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Posted on 09/05/2001 11:41:26 AM PDT by Rebeckie
Janet Ruin-O Redux
Norman Liebmann
Sept. 4, 2001
[Note: Janet Reno has announced her intention to run for governor of Florida against the incumbent, Jeb Bush, bother of President George W. Bush. In consideration of the evanescent quality of Dubya's loyalty to conservative causes, it is considered that he will endorse Reno, who is expected to run on a platform of homosexuality, reverse bigotry, voodoo, and most importantly, the political malfeasance that implemented and nourished the Clinton administration, and one which George W. has always found irresistible – the infamous and contemptible "moving on." So considered, I offer this essay in the hope that it will convince the elderly chad diddlers of Florida's West Palm Beach and commensurately slumberous municipalities to vote against Reno – early and often.]
It is more than seven years since Attorney General Reno's Abortion of Justice Department began investigating Bill Clinton's re-enactment of the destruction of the Warsaw ghetto – the torching of the Branch Davidian compound in Waco and the barbecuing of 80 or so inhabitants including women and children, who, despite Clinton's election, were laboring under the misapprehension that Texas was still part of the United States of America. The Waco atrocity makes it conclusive that Clinton's role model was not JFK but Heinrich Himmler.
If the past is prologue, Reno will now tell us she needs another 30 days (presumably as governor of Florida) to think things over. It might bring some focus and long ago "mislaid" palpability to the tragedy if she spent a commensurate amount of time thinking it over in the slammer, although, it is likely, the prospect of going to jail is not intimidating to her. Bre'r Rabbit's sham pleading not to be thrown into "that thar briar patch," where he knew his way around well enough to give him the home court advantage, is no more genuine than Ms. Reno whining, "Whatever you do, Judge, please don't throw me in prison with all them thar "bull dykes." (It's rumored she used to follow the Gay Pride Parade and pick off the stragglers.)
If Reno had done her duty fairly, that calamity, by now, might be behind us, though it is a certainty that Clinton would have provided 50 more gothic melodramas and/or lurid scandals to replace it. Instead, she snatched disgrace from the jaws of corruption, even to defying a congressional subpoena, and still has yet to be rebuked after innumerable defiant performances before our pussy Senate.
But the Waco tragedy refuses to die, and The Walrus-General has not been in this much disrepute and peril since she accidentally beached herself at Coney Island. Her ongoing defense of the indefensible (Bill Clinton) is an enigma until one considers the whispers that she could do nothing else, considering the White House has tapes of her mellowing out with Mafiosi, 8 x 10 glossies of her getting it on with teenybopper lesbian prostitutes (Clinton ordered some 8 x 10 glossies and a few in wallet size), and some testimony to her immoderate tippling – more about which in due course.
One almost never sees a woman about whom there is not something agreeable, which makes Reno an anomaly. Her physiognomy compels us to conclude appearances are not deceiving. Think of anything agreeable, and this lady is the unpleasant alternative to it. She is both the rock and the hard place.
Consider:
We will not say Ms. Reno looks like a scarecrow, but it is undeniable that during her tenure, crows ceased their hovering over the Justice Department. The lady looks like she was drawn by a chimpanzee. We are talking about Goliath in drag. One rarely sees anything that size that doesn't have scales or a harpoon stuck in it. (A leather tooler estimated she has enough skin to make 200 ugly wallets.) One paleo-endocrinologist diagnosed her condition as a case of "Pleistocene genes." She would make an apt door prize at Jurassic Park. More than once prankish teenagers have come around with a long pole and tried to tip her over. Scientific antiquarians have labeled her Bimbosaurus Rex. Archeologists are more guarded and classify her only as a "find" (actual species yet to be determined). Zoologists have catalogued her as a "whatizit?" The "techs" up in Silicon Valley are filing her as "a biology glitch."
An association of district attorneys considered charging her with "plainness in the third degree." There is a bed reserved for her in the New Jersey State Home for the Chronic Unsightly, where doctors have diagnosed her as an advanced case of ugh! (The Pentagon has included her silhouette in the recognition section of Jane's Fighting Ships as a minesweeper overdue for scuttling.) She had an offer to model for ladies' umbrella handles. It has not yet been determined whether that is her real hair or she's wearing a condemned shower cap.
Janet Reno has a smile that can curdle water. She no longer bothers to look at herself in the mirror, her reflection having defected years ago. She had to cancel a trip when she was unable to get through the airport ugly detector. In her last physical she tested positive for asymmetry. (The doctor's evaluation was she doesn't require plastic surgery, she needs urban renewal.) She has been relegated to the courtship scrap pile as a sexual factory reject. In response to her lack of winsomeness, Janet Reno appears to have undergone a unique medical adaptation. After turning off her vibrator her hand keeps running. Desperation drove her to consult a weird gypsy, who convinced her castor oil is a love potion.
Reno has probably hit every pothole on the road to romance. The nearest she has ever been exposed to an amorous approach was getting an obscene phone call from Information. Reno is the only passenger ever forced to walk the plank on the Love Boat.
Reno dresses like an explosion in a thrift shop. A prominent couturier opined, "When Reno gets all gussied up she looks like an abandoned carnival." On one occasion she was interviewed for an afternoon talk show for a "makeover." They told her to come back after she shed the antlers. The lady has all the chic of a busted umbrella. It makes no difference what her sexual preference is. Either would put her in a perpetual "strikeout" category.
Rumors
While Reno was district attorney of Dade County, there were a number of scurrilous and untrue rumors implying the lady is a world-class boozer. These allegations deserve an opportunity to be discredited, but she was always too busy with the Clinton/Gore pretext investigations to repudiate them herself. Ergo, here is a list of these rumors, and you can select which ones you think she would most want to lay to rest.
[] Reno does not have a drinking problem; she has a stopping problem.
[] She is the only resident of Florida who has her picture on a driver's license holding a shot glass.
[] She goes along on AA meetings as their "designated drinker."
[] She was the only driver in Miami who had an assigned parking space at a sobriety checkpoint. After a recent traffic mishap, an arresting officer testified she couldn't lie down on top of a straight line without falling off. (A laboratory test found a small but significant amount of blood in her alcohol.) Reno explained she skidded off the road because a telegraph pole cut in front of her. Her case fell apart when she tried to convince a traffic court judge that DUI spells "cat." (She also received traffic citations for making a U turn in a car wash, getting loaded in a "No Getting Loaded" Zone, and "sleeping it off" in the crosswalk. Her most serious violation was lying on her back on the freeway, spreading her legs, closing her mouth, and impersonating a cul-de-sac.)
[] She carries a Vat 69 label in her wallet for identification.
[] Gentlemen no longer offer her a chair. They just slip a coaster under her.
[] The WOA (Winos of America) once voted her Miss Cheap Muscatel.
[] She is listed in the Guinness Book of Drunk and Disorderly.
[] At closing time, bartenders pile her on top of the bar along with the stools. (She can remain perpendicular only on barstools that have training wheels.)
[] Under her at the Justice Department, FBI has come to stand for the Federal Bartenders of Investigation.
[] In 1993 she tapered off – and 15 minutes later, tapered back on.
[] Eighteen cocktail lounges have had her barstool bronzed.
[] She graduated summa cum blotto from the University of Chivas Regal.
[] The only reason she wears lipstick is because when she's imbibing it helps her keep track of where her mouth is. (At one office party, she removed her shoes and pantyhose and tried to go wading in a double margarita.)
[] After so many all-nighters, she periodically has to go to a blood bank to have her eyeballs drained.
[] Reno sightings have required the Pentagon to keep a file on her as a UDO – Unidentified Drinking Object.
[] Nobody at the Justice Department could tell she drank until she showed up sober one day. One "morning after" she forgot which side of an investigation she was on and steamed open her own mail.
I do not like being so sportive with a lady, but I regard Reno carelessly, much the same way she regarded her investigation of the Clinton/Gore "funny money" election campaign. Her conduct of any inquiry was shallow, transparent and insulting to the American people. At all events, we were trying to rescue this Republic from a corrupt despot, and things usually better left unsaid are better said. If that requires me, in this case, to suspend my claim to a gentlemanly conscience, it is at a cost I willingly suffer. Reno's arrogant dereliction of duty and its consequent demeaning of the rule of law inspire in me no feelings of charity or leniency toward her.
The conduct of the Democrats in the '96 presidential election was as crooked as a dog's hind leg. From its inception, Reno's scrutiny of it has been an exercise in selective inattention, a Styrofoam hoax, and her defense of it despicable. It is a paradox that Reno's jumbo mass should house a dwarf morality. Under her aegis the Department of Justice went into ethical bankruptcy. Real justice demands a conclusion to Janet Reno's absurd pasquinade that she was conducting "an investigation" and identify it for what it was – a cover-up.
So, now, here is Janet Reno trying to get back into public life, which proves some bugs have to be stepped on more than once.
***
Norman Liebmann is a former television writer [Johnny Carson; Dean Martin; wrote and produced "Chico and the Man" and created the characters for "The Munsters" (who are all named after his relatives)] and a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. Please visit his Web site, Firehat, a treasure trove of Clinton- and media-bashing.
E-mail: firehat@gte.net
More Waco links from The War Room:
Norm nails a leathery old hide to the wall. Wouldn't wantcha to miss it, M.
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