'It's only a beer': the unwritten contracts between men and women

The Guardian ^ | 29 May 2018 | Kira Smith

[Cronos]

Tbowling alley in my small town in central Pennsylvania. An older man bought me a beer and talked to me while he shot pool. Smoking and drinking in that grungy bowling-alley bar in the seediest part of town, I felt cosmopolitan and mature. I was oblivious to the transaction taking place: by drinking his beer, I was entering into an implicit and unwritten contract in which I was expected to fulfill a sexual obligation. One of my more astute and experienced friends told the man that I had a boyfriend and had no intention of being intimate with him. He became irate and threw a lit cigarette into my hair as I left the bar. I went home scared and confused as to why my acceptance of a beer and friendly conversation had gotten me into a terrifying mess.

What I learned that day is that attention from unfamiliar men is implicitly transactional, and a failure to pay the price can result in some traumatic consequence. I admit that on this point, I have been proven wrong repeatedly over time. But I have also had enough disturbing experiences that every male stranger is suspect. It’s always possible that I am going to be expected to acknowledge a tacit, unwritten contract and obey its terms and conditions. It’s a contract only a man can create, and sometimes it feels like only a man can break it. Women are expected to sign on the dotted line.. ...

[Mr Rogers]

“but in both cases the explicit idea was a conversation - may be it would turn into a date in the future”

When I was in college (Utah, 70s), a beer was just a beer. If one wanted to buy sex, he’d have to travel to Nevada...

[Yaelle]

On the flip side, a woman who accepts a drink is communicating that she is at least open to having sex, if she decides the man is interesting enough.

---

I don’t think men should think that. Women have not been told that. Like what if you were in a new place and went out to eat alone and some guy wants to buy you a drink, and you say “thanks, but I am .... married.... in town for grandpas funeral...”. And the man still insists. The woman has enough money to pay for her own beverage, but the guy insists. Should she always say no to every offer, if she can’t have sex with the guy?

[Ancesthntr]

So that’s all that I had to do, buy a hottie a beer or two, and its off to the horizontal polka? Sheesh, no one told me that when I got my Man Card back in the day. If only I’d known....

/s for any snowflake feminazis out there.

[Mr.Unique]

What I learned that day is that attention from unfamiliar men is implicitly transactional, and a failure to pay the price can result in some traumatic consequence.

From one experience with one man, she learned about ALL men?

[thoughtomator]

> I didn’t realize this was a known thing, that every man being nice expects sex with you

There’s no telling if that was actually the expectation of the man described - this is her assumption:

” One of my more astute and experienced friends told the man that I had a boyfriend and had no intention of being intimate with him. He became irate and threw a lit cigarette into my hair as I left the bar. “

The chances that it actually went down like this, without significant intervening conversation and/or events, are zero.

She is leaving out all the parts that would expose her bad behavior while pretending to be a victim.

[Yaelle]

She was a child. High school girls like to pretend they are grown up but they do not have the experience and social awareness or even wisdom to act properly. She was feeling mature in some dive pool bar.

[thoughtomator]

A child smoking and drinking in a bar? I don’t think so.

[Pollster1]

Until I read the full article, I was imagining a woman who looked warm and who thus got approached often in a club. Her picture surprised me, although perhaps it should not have. Back when I was single, if I had talked to her in a bar it would have been because I wanted a hiking buddy - and because I didn't notice the thing in her eyebrow where she had an accident with a stapler. I never dated in the hopes of having a series of patriarchy/feminism debates, and I cannot imagine any reason beyond a desire for frequent and intense arguments to express interest in her.

[ratzoe]

Interesting comment to Kira's article

Hi Kira, I am an anthropologist. When I started working in the big city of Portland I decided to conduct my own social experiment. I would smile and say hello and wait for the person's reaction. I can say a lot more about that 3 year experiment (homeless people are the nicest group as a whole, nearly every black man returned my salutation) but here is what I found in relation to women like you: When I would smile and say hello to a white woman 99.9% of the time I got the same reaction I would expect if I actually propositioned her: horror, disgust, dirty looks or being totally ignored. And it was so consistent that I started to laugh when I would get such a response to a smile and salutation. I stopped the experiment with white women very quickly after I started. The white women of Portland had already determined I was a lech. What I thought was an act of kindness on my part was interpreted as a proposition by the white women of Portland. Where I was raised we were taught to be kind to strangers and to be polite when people say hello. That is not true in the big city. It was a hard lesson for me to face this new reality, but I learned to never 'bother' a white woman in Portland by simply saying hello.

[Tijeras_Slim]

What kind of beer was it?

[rb22982]

It’ll always be better when the “lust” is reciprical, but a man can still be physically attracted to a woman, regardless for her feelings for him. Not sure why that is surprising to you.

[Scarpetta]

The authoress looks like Bruce Springsteen’s lovechild.

[Yaelle]

She was in high school. Maybe she was 18?

[Georgia Girl 2]

She kind of lost me when she said she was in a grungy pool hall in the seediest part of town and felt cosmopolitan and mature. She should have felt afraid. LOL!

[Yaelle]

No, not really meaning a sex partner who deep down isn’t that into you but fakes it or at least is willingly having sex. I have always been astounded that some men enjoy sex with the truly unwilling. Like a scared child or other rape victim. Maybe these guys who angrily demand sex from some chick who accepted the drinks are halfway there, wanting sex with someone who doesn’t want them and is angry with them.

[faucetman]

The song “U + Ur Hand” by Pink came to mind reading this story. Lyrics contain adult themes and “F” bombs.

My 2nd fav Pink song (sorry, I’m not necessarily offended by vulgarity)

“Keep your drink just give me the money”

https://www.google.com/search?q=pink+you+and+ur+hand+lyrics&oq=pink+you+and+ur+hand+lyrics&aqs=chrome..69i57.13508j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

[Manuel OKelley]

I’ve been married most of my life (same woman) and the concept of me being charming or flirtatious at this point is just beyond silly, however despite being old enough to be a grandfather women out right proposition me in front of my family, in grocery store lines, etcetera and it’s not likely that it’s cause they find me sexy-—they see stable, successful, possibly wealthy (not really) and think they may have a shot at acquiring something.

My normal response is to politely decline but at times when its flagrant and repeated telling them to fuck right off works pretty well IF my wife hasn’t already belittled them to tears.

Willing to bet that a lot of that latter group thinks they have been mistreated or denied something they are entitled too

[Darnright]

>I’m not even young and dumb any more and I didn’t realize this was a known thing, that every man being nice expects sex with you.<

I’m sitting here flabbergasted that men have the audacity to assume a woman can be had for the price of a beer.

[Jim Noble]

She should see it as just an opportunity to have a pleasant time in his bed

Don't get out much, huh?

[Gil4]

I’m filing her story under “S__t That Never Happened”.

You're probably right, but I'd have to see a photo first.