Posted on 12/13/2017 8:27:46 AM PST by rey
SYRIA ISIS is initiating a caliphate-wide safety stand-down after one of its members injured himself on Monday with his own explosive device in New York City, sources confirmed today.
This is a chance for us to stop operations and come together as a family to figure out what we are doing wrong, said Akbar Muhammad, Director of Standardization and Training for ISIS.
What should have been a routine operation on Monday to maim innocent civilians instead turned into another embarrassing stain on the caliphates already sullied reputation.
Akayed Ullahs failed attempt resulted in zero casualties while injuring himself in the process and only moderately disrupting the morning commute in Manhattan. This blunder comes on the heels of recent dismal performances such as ISIS eradication from Mosul and the Iraqi Army claiming complete victory over the Islamic State.
It also happened just days after a command climate survey was leaked, which showed plummeting morale among junior jihadists. They barely want to blow themselves up anymore, said one ISIS commander.
According to sources, ISIS will cease all operations during its safety stand-down and require all members to call into a telephone conference line or watch the presentation over Skype. Officials have allotted about one hour for callers to yell at each other while telling each other to mute their microphones, as others ask can you hear me? before the conference begins.
Over an entire day of classes, ISIS members will be reminded to conduct a full safety check on their vehicle bombs and make sure their detonators are always placed on safe until they intend to set things on fire. Another class will broach the controversial topic of suicidal ideation among jihadists, while encouraging them to seek help at ISIS state-of-the-art mental health/suicide vest assembly facility.
Commanders are also using the time to talk about other important topics for junior jihadists, to include anti-money laundering training and operational risk maximization training.
Are you sure?
Attention, fellow muzzies! here’s how to strap on and use a bomb vest. Watch carefully. Above all, don’t press on this switch before you’re .... BOOM allahu fubar!
Biggest pile of BS this century.
ISIS should be careful or OSHA will be all over them.
ROTFLMAO
Yes, it’s satire. The site is a satire site.
I hope they’ll include some diversity and anti-sexual assault training.
Legal
We are in no way, shape, or form, a real news outlet. Everything on this website is satirical and the content of this site is a parody of a news organization. No composition should be regarded as truthful, and no reference of an individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm.
All characters, groups, and military units appearing in these works are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual military units and companies is purely coincidental.
https://www.duffelblog.com/about/
Just about coughed myself silly—funniest post I have seen in a long time!
ROFL!!!
But seriously: no self-respecting military force, paramilitary organization, or terrorist group would voluntarily subject itself to that sort of bureaucratic nonsense.
i thought isis was almost done how do they have time to wait #wipeoutisis @maga
FYI
Hmmm, I’m trying to figure out why they want to keep people from blowing up, they hope will blow up.
The terrorist mind,... as if.
That’s funny...but completely unsurprising.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.