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Posted on 12/18/2015 5:59:10 PM PST by theCatt
Sana'a, Yemen- Special forces are closing in on one of the most ardent enemies of Christmas just outside the Yemeni capital city of Sana'a. The battle for Sana'a, which cost thousands of Yemeni lives, was declared a victory for pro-Christmas (PC) troops once soldiers raised a Christmas tree on the nation's highest mountain, Jabal an Nabi Shu'ayb.
"Our troops really won an overwhelming victory today," explained Captain Jingle McSnowflake. "I mean here we are fighting in an environment that is very foreign to our men, but by the grace of Commerce, we were able to pulverize these heathens. They'll think twice the next time they choose not to buy useless goods for their family and friends in order to stimulate the world economy and provide lucrative dividends for shareholders."
Pro-Christmas forces have been especially active this holiday season. In Brazil, pro-Christmas forces stormed local favelas and forced people to shop at major department stores at gunpoint. While in China, PC forces rounded up factory workers before dawn and delivered them to their jobs an hour and a half early in order to stimulate the production of useless consumer goods.
Despite the progress in many Third-World nations, where consumers underperform, PC forces have struggled to make progress in the United States.
"The Starbucks Cup Campaign has probably set us back more than any other issue relative to our message of Christmas cheer," explained Peppermint Nick, Supreme Commander of PC Allied Forces in the Western Hemisphere. "Although we're getting support from some elements of the American media, the entire 'happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas' movement is killing the Christmas spirit. Wreath sales are down, Nativity scene attendance is down, people are careless with hanging their stockings by the chimney...shoot....In America, the only positive trend we've seen in reference to Christmas has been a tenfold increase in the purchase of gay apparel."
PC forces are expected to increase missions both abroad and stateside as the Christmas Holiday approaches:
"We plan to target major retailers who are squandering the opportunity to promote the birth of Jesus in order to produce a profit," explained Mistletoe Mocha. "Everyone should say 'Merry Christmas' and buy each other presents no matter what their religious tradition entails. The mission of the PC forces is to make sure that core belief actually comes to fruition.....if we fail, capitalism fails too. Our cause is the most important in the history of mankind. Christmas must prevail."
PC forces are working hard to ensure the continuity of Christmas traditions both at home in the United States and abroad. One can only hope that their mission to preserve the sanctity of the capitalism's holiest day will end in complete and total victory.
-Felix Hoegarden, Felix Hoegarden is the military and holiday correspondent for the RWR Report. He enjoys yachting, proposing toasts, and fencing. He resides in Flint, MI.
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I've seen one ZOT where the Mod got him AS he was posting, didn't even knew what hit him. :-)
Gee that was fast.
Anyway what an unfunny dipshit. It’s almost a pity except the author is obviously, you know... too much of a dipshit to know any better.
I guess it is not the year of the Catt.
I’m confused; did Zot win, or did Zot lose? I’m pretty sure that the Kitties ate the Catt, but that seems almost cannibalism: FR is getting weird. Maybe more bagpipe would help skirl the squirrels.
Don’t ya just hate those quick ZOTs?
LOL! That’s worth a steal! :o])
Sneak attacks are usually the most effective..
Yeah, it was too quick, but I understand the mod’s wrath on this one : )
Yep. Me too. Are you sleeping better these days? :o]
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....huh ?
LOL! You GO, guy!
OK, I am in after the zot, but I just have to point out that this is a great example of the insanity and childishness of the mind of a lefty.
Liberalism IS a mental disorder.
Thanks! It’s an original, but only insofar as I added the caption; dunno who the hilarious baby is. Meme generators are one of the truly useful things about the internet.
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