Posted on 12/18/2015 5:59:10 PM PST by theCatt
Sana'a, Yemen- Special forces are closing in on one of the most ardent enemies of Christmas just outside the Yemeni capital city of Sana'a. The battle for Sana'a, which cost thousands of Yemeni lives, was declared a victory for pro-Christmas (PC) troops once soldiers raised a Christmas tree on the nation's highest mountain, Jabal an Nabi Shu'ayb.
"Our troops really won an overwhelming victory today," explained Captain Jingle McSnowflake. "I mean here we are fighting in an environment that is very foreign to our men, but by the grace of Commerce, we were able to pulverize these heathens. They'll think twice the next time they choose not to buy useless goods for their family and friends in order to stimulate the world economy and provide lucrative dividends for shareholders."
Pro-Christmas forces have been especially active this holiday season. In Brazil, pro-Christmas forces stormed local favelas and forced people to shop at major department stores at gunpoint. While in China, PC forces rounded up factory workers before dawn and delivered them to their jobs an hour and a half early in order to stimulate the production of useless consumer goods.
Despite the progress in many Third-World nations, where consumers underperform, PC forces have struggled to make progress in the United States.
"The Starbucks Cup Campaign has probably set us back more than any other issue relative to our message of Christmas cheer," explained Peppermint Nick, Supreme Commander of PC Allied Forces in the Western Hemisphere. "Although we're getting support from some elements of the American media, the entire 'happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas' movement is killing the Christmas spirit. Wreath sales are down, Nativity scene attendance is down, people are careless with hanging their stockings by the chimney...shoot....In America, the only positive trend we've seen in reference to Christmas has been a tenfold increase in the purchase of gay apparel."
PC forces are expected to increase missions both abroad and stateside as the Christmas Holiday approaches:
"We plan to target major retailers who are squandering the opportunity to promote the birth of Jesus in order to produce a profit," explained Mistletoe Mocha. "Everyone should say 'Merry Christmas' and buy each other presents no matter what their religious tradition entails. The mission of the PC forces is to make sure that core belief actually comes to fruition.....if we fail, capitalism fails too. Our cause is the most important in the history of mankind. Christmas must prevail."
PC forces are working hard to ensure the continuity of Christmas traditions both at home in the United States and abroad. One can only hope that their mission to preserve the sanctity of the capitalism's holiest day will end in complete and total victory.
-Felix Hoegarden, Felix Hoegarden is the military and holiday correspondent for the RWR Report. He enjoys yachting, proposing toasts, and fencing. He resides in Flint, MI.
Yep, as ZOTS go, this one stands alone.
The Catt
Was this article really THAT bad? :)
It was a mildly-poor attempt at humor. But hey, Mod’s calls are FINAL. :)
Maggoty, faggoty nonsense would be my guess
Effects of Darks Blend is always mitigated by the amount of alcohol involved...
Type used also has an impact.
True! True!
Now, some Bailey’s in there..
Mixing Alcohol with Dark brew.....
“No naked flames within 100 yards.”
“If taken internally, call undertakers.”
Dang, zotted by message three? We never got to torment it.
Probably the quickest ZOT in FReeper History
The Cat? Is this Tony Martin?
Please let me know if you want ON or OFF my Viking Kitty/ZOT ping list!. . . don't be shy.
Thanks ...
This article is maggoty, faggoty, and nonsensical. What is your agenda?
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I think ITS agenda was maggoty, faggoty and nonsensical. And IT was likely a progressive ‘RAT thinking it could have an impact. IT was delusional and has receded back into its basement.
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