Posted on 12/18/2015 5:59:10 PM PST by theCatt
Sana'a, Yemen- Special forces are closing in on one of the most ardent enemies of Christmas just outside the Yemeni capital city of Sana'a. The battle for Sana'a, which cost thousands of Yemeni lives, was declared a victory for pro-Christmas (PC) troops once soldiers raised a Christmas tree on the nation's highest mountain, Jabal an Nabi Shu'ayb.
"Our troops really won an overwhelming victory today," explained Captain Jingle McSnowflake. "I mean here we are fighting in an environment that is very foreign to our men, but by the grace of Commerce, we were able to pulverize these heathens. They'll think twice the next time they choose not to buy useless goods for their family and friends in order to stimulate the world economy and provide lucrative dividends for shareholders."
Pro-Christmas forces have been especially active this holiday season. In Brazil, pro-Christmas forces stormed local favelas and forced people to shop at major department stores at gunpoint. While in China, PC forces rounded up factory workers before dawn and delivered them to their jobs an hour and a half early in order to stimulate the production of useless consumer goods.
Despite the progress in many Third-World nations, where consumers underperform, PC forces have struggled to make progress in the United States.
"The Starbucks Cup Campaign has probably set us back more than any other issue relative to our message of Christmas cheer," explained Peppermint Nick, Supreme Commander of PC Allied Forces in the Western Hemisphere. "Although we're getting support from some elements of the American media, the entire 'happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas' movement is killing the Christmas spirit. Wreath sales are down, Nativity scene attendance is down, people are careless with hanging their stockings by the chimney...shoot....In America, the only positive trend we've seen in reference to Christmas has been a tenfold increase in the purchase of gay apparel."
PC forces are expected to increase missions both abroad and stateside as the Christmas Holiday approaches:
"We plan to target major retailers who are squandering the opportunity to promote the birth of Jesus in order to produce a profit," explained Mistletoe Mocha. "Everyone should say 'Merry Christmas' and buy each other presents no matter what their religious tradition entails. The mission of the PC forces is to make sure that core belief actually comes to fruition.....if we fail, capitalism fails too. Our cause is the most important in the history of mankind. Christmas must prevail."
PC forces are working hard to ensure the continuity of Christmas traditions both at home in the United States and abroad. One can only hope that their mission to preserve the sanctity of the capitalism's holiest day will end in complete and total victory.
-Felix Hoegarden, Felix Hoegarden is the military and holiday correspondent for the RWR Report. He enjoys yachting, proposing toasts, and fencing. He resides in Flint, MI.
Well...If you are gonna be a Moderator, what are you doing on the Side? Man up!
LOLOL!!
I don’t know what you where smoking here, dude, but I’ve sent some to the labs for testing. Looks like powerful sh1tango.
My coffee obviously wasn’t involved.
Bunny on the head, maybe.
Suffering from bunny on the head leads go illogical reality breaking experiences.
Whoa..blindsided by Sidebar!
“Oh, and he’s body checked into the stands! The crowd screams for more!”*
*said in sportscaster voice.
I don’t know why all of you folks are sooooo against the occassional poster “zot” here on FR that you are always attacking him?
“The War on ZOT is Very Real”
I have read his occassional comments and have see absolutely NO reason to ‘wage war on him.’
;-)
Huhumkpf (hickup while heh-hehing...)
The O! Kay! ZONE-al pester .. er, poster, "Zot," has several aliases and several distinct yet equally inane roles. One of them is...
well, he's the one who puts the "DUH" in In-DUH-vidual.
Yes, it's war to the depth.
Thanks for the ping. I see absolutely no reason to wage war on me.
:-)
FLASH FLASH FLASH
T O P S E C R E T VIKINGKITTEN
DTG: 210810R DEC 2015
SU: RETRO-ZOT
REF: POST #1
1. VKHQ HAS CONFIRMED TROLL SIGHTING THIS DTG, THIS LOCATION.
2. FR MOD COMMAND CENTER HAS EXECUTED LEVEL-FIVE ZORCH-ON-TARGET (ZOT). COMMUNICATIONS DELAY REQUIRES RETROACTIVE FIRE MISSION.
3. ALL ELEMENTS SHALL EXECUTE OPTION "HAIRBALL" UPON RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE. WEAPONS FREE, OPLAN PUMPKINSPICE, DAYWORD SPEW.
4. ALL ELEMENTS ARE DIRECTED TO FULL ASSET COMMITMENT TO POST-STRIKE BEERFEST UPON THE TARGET'S REMAINS.
5. CHALLENGE/PASSWORD: CLUMSY/DOOFUS.
6. BRACE YOURSELVES, COLLEGE CHRISTMAS BREAK IS COMING.
7. WE ARE YOUR OVERLORDS. VKHQ SENDS.
EOM EOM EOM
#NNNNN
Dang. I missed it.
Your submission has been disapproved.
So did I, and I don’t call retro-ZOT that often.
You are good, real good.
5.56mm
Looks like thecatt drank eggnog instead of milk when he/she/it posted that stuff....
Really really strong eggnog....
Possibly the quickest ZOT in FReeper history.
LOL....belongs in the Lightening Rod ZOT Hall of Fame :)
“My coffee obviously wasn’t involved.”
Nope....even your coffee ain’t this strange.
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