Yes, we can! Students to hurl canned food at intruders.

The Peoples Cube ^ | 1/14/2015 | Olga Photoshopova

[HammerT]

A reporter candidly questioned the wisdom of allowing children access to cans, listing the ways it could go wrong:

• Children could use the cans on each other, in rapid succession, as assault-can play weapons;

• An intruder might get extra angry at can throwers, who would be like canaries in a coalmine;

• The intruder might hurl the cans back at the children, cancelling this brilliant progressive idea.

The administrator erupted volcanically, “Yeah, cans kill people, and spoons make people fat! The original use of canned food is to nourish, not to kill people (just like spoons.) Therefore, cans are an acceptable progressive weapon. Other weapons can't hold a candle to canned goods. Amer-I-Can. Yes, we can!”

After this incantation, the school district decided to canonize the administrator as a forward thinker, well ahead of her time.

This idea has taken off like a cannonball in the progressive community. In fact, the Democrats are jealous that they don't have the word “can” in their name like a certain political foe. The Republican party of racist chicanery seem to catch all the breaks, don't they? It's just not fair.

We know that the real reason to promote can weapons is to make children think they don't need to rely on adults with guns to protect them, which is a great idea. Guns are a cancer on our society. Removing them should be like taking candy from a baby.

However, it seems inhumane to hurl hard, metal cans at a human being, who could sustain cuts and bruises during his attack of the school. We have to think of the criminal's feelings and not cannibalize his human rights.

[HammerT]

Ladies and Gentlemen, we should Canonize the sheer genius who developed this incantation.

It is a prime example of every American’s Can-do attitude.

However, can we consider the implications of this?

We Cannot dismiss the ‘cannotations’ going Forward with this being a candidate for future chicanery with this?

Some will say I should just can the malarkey and ‘move-on’ but I say no.

Can we ignore the threat of Assault Cans?

What about high capacity can clip magazines?

Not to mention the subject of gun mufflers.. ahem

[blackdog]

Uhmmmmmmmmm, schools use #10 cans in it’s food supply chains. How is a kid going to throw a ten pound can of green beans at a would be gunman?

[Texas Eagle]

Obviously a marketing ploy by the good people at Progresso.

[Kenton]

It would never work, the kids would use the food in the cans to supplement the starvation diets they get at schools.

[UCANSEE2]

This will only work if the gunman forces all the children into the cafeteria supply room.

[MrB]

Will this work if you're attacked with a banana?

[PIF]

Obviously we need to ban cans ... pry those cans from the kids warmish pinkish fingers ... Bad cans are everywhere! Stop them before they kill everyone!

[PGR88]

Why waste food?

Just store rocks.

[UCANSEE2]

How is a kid going to throw a ten pound can of green beans at a would be gunman?

Maybe the kids could build these as a science project.

[MrB]

Oh, that’s easily solved.
Just make sure the cans are of beets or spinach.

[blackdog]

This will only work if the gunman forces all the children into the cafeteria supply room.

And they manage to climb into the ceiling with #10 cans, then drop them onto the gunma's head.

[blackdog]

Someone at DHS watched that Crocodile Dundee movie again.

[Paine in the Neck]

Uhmmmmmmmmm, schools use #10 cans in it’s food supply chains. How is a kid going to throw a ten pound can of green beans at a would be gunman?

A letter went home to parents encouraging them to have the children bring in throwable-sized cans. Seriously.

[WKUHilltopper]

The stupidity of these ignorant idiots never cease to amaze me.

[blackdog]

“Now children, this year’s food drive for the needy also includes our perimeter defenses, so make sure you bring in lot’s of canned goods. No beets or tomato sauce though, that might confuse the EMT’s in the event of macro-aggression. Bags of bread stuffing and cake mixes are good though for soaking up body fluids.”

[null and void]

I blame the peacenik CANadians...

[Klemper]

HE HATES THESE CANS!!!

[blackdog]

All kidding aside, a CD snapped in half can slit a throat with one swipe. It even has a hold grip spot in the middle. Always carry a few when flying commercial in your carry on.

[MrB]

Ironic that their stupidity stems from their absolute conviction that they know better.

[HammerT]

Betting you they would make sure it’s cans of ‘healthy food’ just in case.

Besides, they could just mandate “Universal” background checks on can openers.

Can you imagine that?