Posted on 11/23/2012 6:42:26 PM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
We in the blue states hear from the talking heads on Fox News and MSNBC that many of you in the red states are so distressed about the outcome of the elections that you would like to secede from the Union. Now, it seems that at least six of you -- Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and North Carolina -- have submitted enough signatures (25,000) on petitions to the White House website to merit a formal response, with more petitions on the way.
We wish you the best of luck with this. We feel your pain. If we can speak frankly, it's been coming for a long, long time. The question now is: What's next?
First, we're happy to report that most people here in Oregon, Washington and California think you're really on to something. This marriage has run its course. Too many niggling little things built up over time, driving us all crazy. So let's just stop. It's time to divvy up the china and draft a property settlement. In the spirit of fairness and goodwill, we propose the following as a starting point.
We'll keep the West Coast, Nevada and Hawaii, New York, the rest of the Northeast and all the other states that turned blue on election night. You guys get Texas, Mississippi, the rest of the Confederacy and all the other states that turned red on election night. Alaska can do whatever it wants. It does what it wants anyway.
One caveat here. We've been asked by the citizens of Austin, Texas, to give them sanctuary, so we'll keep Austin as a territorial protectorate, along with Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands and Samoa, and you can have Key West...
(Excerpt) Read more at startribune.com ...
He who controls the Watersheds controls the Cities - - - .
Doesn't matter. If you are from Arkansas, she's still your sister. Old joke...
/johnny
How about they keep blue counties.
New Jersey has areas that are very different from each other - most if it’s nice.
Aside from the political / union / crime / left wing / education / islamic / etc. / corruption machine it’s got great potential.
>>Actually all we need to do is respect the tenth amendment. then red states and blue states can live the way they want.
Ding ding. We have a winner! That is exactly what we need to do. It wouldn’t take long before all the white guilt is drained from the blue states and then they’d start voting with their heads.
“most of it’s nice.”
Problem is it isn’t state vs state, it’s urban vs rural.
For example, NY is really quite “red”, except for concentrated pockets of “blue” which outvote them.
...think we’ll draw up the dividing lines thank you, and if you don’t like it, kiss the end of my pump 12 gauge... by the way, we keep the center right of all military, you keep center left, including code pink, all pacifists, gays, Michael Moore, the Obamas and the educational system...
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand.The scripture cannot be broken. (That’s John 10:35.)
— Matthew 12:25
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth.
— Luke 11:17
50% witty.
Let the blue counties form states and the red counties form states.
The secessionist thing is absurd.
I like that. I live in the blue state of Washington, but my county is red.
Then, we'll OK prisoner exchanges, we'll swap the entitled non producers trapped in our counties for your producers that you thought ya had trapped like rats.
You can have all the union bosses, and we'll keep what we earn AND our jobs.
But just to prove we have a heart, we won't imprison any of our murderers, rapists, pedophiles and violent thieves. We'll deport 'em to your side where they'll get the care they need. (That is, if they survive apprehension by our law abiding citizens who will be required to possess and carry arms.)
Yeah, I think this'll work out.
Yes, certainly the power structure has changed, especially as regards the federal government vis-a-vis the states, but I'm not sure that that power differential has shifted in favor of the states since the 1860's. Beyond that, there isn't a state in this country in which a majority want to quit the United States.
I had never heard of these brave folks who went to Brazil. I have a lot of respect for them.
Old but updated.
Dear Blue States:
Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to allow US to secede so you can form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we’ll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.
We’ll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans.
But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you—just the Blue parts.
We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually “blue.” Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the “Blue” counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.
The bottom line is that you don’t get all the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.
But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you’re going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can’t have them.
Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you’ve come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison. (HE-LLO, DETROIT)
You get the labor union shakedown artists, “teachers” who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.
(And don’t come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for “The New and Improved US of A” what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We’re putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)
We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.
Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don’t call it “the breadbasket” for nothin’. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.
We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.
And don’t even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America’s natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.
Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.
Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.
Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.
That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.
You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia—which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.
Lucky you, it’s all yours—enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue “voters” up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol’ trigger finger.
In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit—a Blue bastion, of course—the proud showplaces they are today.
We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England—and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.
You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.
The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up—for a small consulting fee, of course
If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We’ll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we’ll be fine.
Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you’re apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you’re offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?
Hey, a deal’s a deal. Done.
True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you (Almost.)
For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.
So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.
And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.
We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.
We’ll do an even split on the debt: We’ll live within our governmental means and wisely budget paying off ours in 7-10 years. You’ll have quadrupled yours by then.
And we’d like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we’re happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It’s much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.
Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they’re volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)
Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.
But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak—who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much—blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.
Sincerely,
The Red States
PS: You can keep the marijuana. You’re going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.
RLTW
True but only a handful of brain damaged morons actually take it seriously.
If anything it plays right into the hands of guys like Soros who have a long history of breaking nations into manageable pieces.
You forgot your sarcasm tag.
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