Jane Austen’s Advice: Choose the Right Man and Live Happily Ever After

Townhall.com ^ | April 18, 2012 | Rebecca Hagelin

[Kaslin]

Culture Challenge of the Week:  Finding A Good Man

Call it the lament of the young, single woman: there are no good men left. Or if there are, where are they? And how can a young woman pursue a healthy, marriage-minded relationship in a singles culture of casual sex and perpetual adolescence?

In her new book, The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After (Regnery Publishing, 2012), Elizabeth Kantor provides some answers. She writes, “Of course it’s no secret that modern mating rituals have gone badly wrong.” And indeed they have: the number of cohabitating couples has doubled in the past twenty years, and the marriage rate has dropped precipitously. Many singles find themselves on a path to lifelong singlehood, not necessarily by choice. And even within relationships, time-honored ideals---like fidelity—increasingly fall by the wayside. (A recent Match.com survey found that only 62% of men believe that sexual fidelity is a “must have” in a relationship. In comparison, 80% of women say fidelity is a must for a successful relationship.)

Happily Ever After offers a thought-provoking, encouraging, and often witty take on what’s wrong with today’s dating patterns. Even better, Kantor draws on the wisdom and insights of Jane Austen’s heroines to mark out a confident path for young women who want a good man and a relationship that will deliver a lifetime of happiness—and love—in marriage.

Kantor asks, "What is it that Jane Austen heroines do (that we’re not doing) that makes really satisfying happy endings possible for them, and not so likely for us?"

The author’s interpretation of Jane Austen—whose old, romantic novels became modern box office hits--suggests a model for young women who want lasting, happy relationships. Modern-day Jane Austen “heroines” should cultivate “true elegance” instead of “hotness,” demand love without humiliation, develop competence about men, respect their own female psychology, and take relationships seriously.

How to Save Your Family: Share Happily Ever After

Today’s singles often seem clueless about what makes a relationship work or even what they should hope it will include. And for women, it’s even more confusing. Feminist thought urges women to plan their futures with a single-minded career focus, leaving little room for men, marriage, and children.  Young women may fall into the trap of pursuing personal autonomy and career success with little thought about relationships, marriage, and family—until they find themselves lonely and alone.

Kantor resists the notion that a Jane Austen-style approach to relationships requires “a life of pre-feminist misery and oppression.” But she stresses that it’s reasonable for women to “spend significant intellectual and emotional capital on our relationships—but in the right way, not the wrong way.”

What’s the right way? Neither romantic illusions, nor Victorian repression, nor modern cynicism.  Instead, Kantor writes, women need to understand the real meaning of love and happiness—and settle for nothing less.

Sprinkled throughout the book are “Tips” for “Janeites,” little nuggets of good advice, like these:

-“Stop making the same old bad choices about men before those choices ‘fix’ your character, freezing you into habits you may not be able to break out of.” 

-“Drama is not the same thing as love.” (Who really wants a Kardashian-style relationship?)

-“Keep your distance, not to increase his love by suspense—but so you can make up your mind about a man while you can still see him clearly.” (An important point for a generation that too easily moves from the bar to the bedroom to sharing an apartment.)

At the end of each chapter, Kantor frames questions to help readers assess their own relationships.  In easy to read bullet points, she helps women probe the strengths and weaknesses of their current relationships. And in true Jane Austen style, she urges them to have the boldness to “arrange their own marriages”—to choose wisely and decide fearlessly if a relationship is likely to secure a happy future.

And the Jane Austen promise? That love and happiness go together: women can live “happily ever after” marriages if they recognize, expect, and pursue true love.

ShareThe Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After with your daughters – and all the single women you know.

[Bigg Red]

Nice list....

(....but I didn’t see anything about cooking and cleaning, and laundry....)

[Tax-chick]

I’m sure the usual kerfluffle has erupted, but I think this could be an interesting book for my teenage daughters. We can pull up the costume dramas on the Netflix beeber, too.

I liked the point that “drama” is not the key to a good relationship. Many of the popular songs they listen to treat drama as the main attraction, overriding character, humor, common interests ...

[trailhkr1]

Very interesting discussion on the thread. I will add another comment: Feminism is one of the main drivers of the ruination of marriage by ruining women's actual femininity and the real value of womanhood.

Feminism in some degree had some value at first though today it is way, way, overboard. I would never want to go back to the 40-50's style of life where women were hurt in the workforce and left out of job opportunities just because they were women.

Divorce is the same way. We have way too many divorces today and people take their marriage vows way to lightly but I would not want to go back to the 1940-50's where people stayed in unhappy or abusive marriages due to social/religious pressure to do so or they (women) did not have career prospects to fall back on.

[trailhkr1]

Ok, went back and read it. No problem.

[Interesting Times]

Literature for people who don't read. Lovely.

"What's on this afternoon?" he asked tiredly. She didn't look up from her script again. "Well, this is a play comes on the wall-to-wall circuit in ten minutes. They mailed me my part this morning. I sent in some box-tops. They write the script with one part missing. It's a new idea. The home-maker, that's me, is the missing part. When it comes time for the missing lines, they all look at me out of the three walls and I say the lines: Here, for instance, the man says, `What do you think of this whole idea, Helen?' And he looks at me sitting here centre stage, see? And I say, I say --" She paused and ran her finger under a line in the script. " `I think that's fine!' And then they go on with the play until he says, `Do you agree to that, Helen!' and I say, `I sure do!' Isn't that fun, Guy?"

[what's up]

I was precisely clear before we got married what acceptable means as far as bedroom stuff. Twice a week. Once a month lingerie, and occasional surprise in a dress and heels when I get home from work

Hmmm. Did you have a problem with porn before you married her? If so, the problem is not her. Perhaps she feels that you're using her as a substitute for your porn fantasies rather than relating to her personally in the bedroom.

You need to talk to her about this issue. I mean talk...not demand. That means finding out EXACTLY what is bothering her about the lingerie/dress thing and why does it turn her off. Does she feel that you're making love to a stand-in i.e. one of your porn figures?

Talking about it is very hard to do...because neither she nor you may be able to articulate well if you haven't discussed it before. It may take time to formulate your thoughts. But this will likely continue to be a problem for you (the evidence is that you say it happened with Wife #1 too so may be a pattern) until there is some real verbal communication in this area which admittedly is often one of the most difficult things for couples to discuss.

[SamAdams76]

Alcohol free?

Maybe if you're planning on dating Carrie Nation.

[Shimmer1]

I met the most intriguing man on the plane the other day. sigh. But he didn’t ask for my number. Too bad! He’d have been such a good fit here, that’s how intriguing he was. LOL

[Shimmer1]

He’s Just Not That Into You was the book that opened my eyes. NOT the movie, never saw the movie. Just the book.

[Shimmer1]

Because many men really dislike women, as your post shows. Yikes!

[Shimmer1]

That’s sad, because it’s true too, too many times. I don’t like the broad brush thing against women, because a broad brush would catch many a man, among whom are sometimes those who are doing the most complaining. But your post is true. sigh

[Shimmer1]

There is a FReeper who married a beautiful, young Filipina who did that very thing. Used him to get citizenship papers and left him for a young man. Broke his heart. But oh no, American women are stinkers. And here many of us sit, with traditional values and passed by because other women are superficial.

[Shimmer1]

We were both wonderin’ LOL

[Osage Orange]

alcohol free?

heaven forfend.

ROFLOL!!

[Osage Orange]

HaHa!!

[Shimmer1]

That’s so sad. I’m sorry.

[Shimmer1]

You didn’t laugh at him to his face, did you???? LOL at the way you put it.

[Osage Orange]

Men really like that garbage.

Wow...totally not in my world. EVER!

[fini]

Yeah, something like almost happened at in our marriage. Menopause went roaring through the house. My wife and I had some serious discussions. We worked it out, but I had some "none negotiable" clauses and I had to show her that I was very close to moving out of the house before she realized that: I did have options and we both love each other.

[Osage Orange]

Apparently you did the impossible......