Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In
The funniest joke in the world:
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
(Excerpt) Read more at innocentenglish.com ...
I asked my father can I go skating in the lake...he said wait till it gets warmer
Strictly a Canadian insider joke!
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.
Patrick replies, Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I dont want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. “Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, Oh no, he says, Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me Ive quit drinking!
A: Cougar
Q: What do you call an older man who lusts after young boys?
A: Nittany Lion
-If you elect me, ah...I'll give you free healthcare!
All the braves in unison shout out: Hoya, hoya!!
-and new schools for the papooses!
Hoya, hoya!
-uh...I'll even build you a casino
Hoya, hoya!!!
After the speech, Barack's walking around with the chief and says: you have some fine cattle in this corral, may I inspect them?
The chief answers: you go look, but be careful you don't step in them hoya.
As long as the joke is SERIOUSLY anti-Canadien...
Otherwise GO TO HELL!
bookmark
The Governor Moonbeam joke I heard way back when.
When Jerry Brown was elected governor of California (the first time), the outgoing governor, Ronald Reagan, handed Brown three numbered and sealed envelopes saying “When you have a political crisis, open an envelope.”
A year goes by and Brown encounters his first political crisis as governor. While pondering what to do, he remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. Inside is a note: “Blame your predecessor.” Brown does so and emerges unscathed from the crisis.
Things go fine for awhile and then another political crisis occurs. Brown finds the envelopes and opens the second one. Inside is a note: “Blame the legislature.” Brown does so and again emerges unscathed from the crisis.
Eventually a third crisis occurs. Brown hurries to open envelope number three. The note reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”
The Governor Moonbeam joke I heard way back when.
When Jerry Brown was elected governor of California (the first time), the outgoing governor, Ronald Reagan, handed Brown three numbered and sealed envelopes saying “When you have a political crisis, open an envelope.”
A year goes by and Brown encounters his first political crisis as governor. While pondering what to do, he remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. Inside is a note: “Blame your predecessor.” Brown does so and emerges unscathed from the crisis.
Things go fine for awhile and then another political crisis occurs. Brown finds the envelopes and opens the second one. Inside is a note: “Blame the legislature.” Brown does so and again emerges unscathed from the crisis.
Eventually a third crisis occurs. Brown hurries to open envelope number three. The note reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”
The Governor Moonbeam joke I heard way back when.
When Jerry Brown was elected governor of California (the first time), the outgoing governor, Ronald Reagan, handed Brown three numbered and sealed envelopes saying “When you have a political crisis, open an envelope.”
A year goes by and Brown encounters his first political crisis as governor. While pondering what to do, he remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. Inside is a note: “Blame your predecessor.” Brown does so and emerges unscathed from the crisis.
Things go fine for awhile and then another political crisis occurs. Brown finds the envelopes and opens the second one. Inside is a note: “Blame the legislature.” Brown does so and again emerges unscathed from the crisis.
Eventually a third crisis occurs. Brown hurries to open envelope number three. The note reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”
Good one.
I was trying to remember things my kids have said that were funny.
My son was perhaps 7 or so. The older neighbor kid called his sister “pyscho”. My boy defended the sister and yell at the boy “yeah - well you’re GARBAGE!”
We explained to him that it was not okay to call people “garbage”. He replied “Well he called her RECYCLE!” (I immediatly realized that the school indoctrination of environmentalism was taking hold!)
******************************************************
I had just bought a new truck - a Chevy Avalanche. I took the kids up into the mountains to go play in the snow. We passed by a cannon up on a stand, and was telling them they use that to shoot artillery shells to knock down the avalanches. About 30 seconds and a half-mile down the road, obviously after thinking about it a bit, my 4 -year old daughter in all seriousness asks “Dad - they’re not going to shoot at our Avalanche are they?”
Sorry, the wireless connection lied to me. Feel free to delete the duplicates.
Man - he’s great. I laughed at every one of those! Classics.
I like the one where the girl from New York walks into a bar in Wyoming. She sits down next to an old guy with a beat-up comboy hat staring at his beer.
“Are you a REAL cowboy?”
“Yep”
Do you have a horse?
“Yes maam, but it’s back at the ranch. But yep, use him to herd cows, all that cowboy stuff. How about you - what are you?”
“I’m a lesbian!”
“A what?”
“You know - a lesbian. I don’t sleep with men - I sleep with girls. I love girls. I love the way they talk, the way they feel, the way they smell, their soft hair - pretty much everything about them! That’s why I’m a lesbian.”
“Heh - well I’ll be danged! That’s somethin’!”
A little while later this Asian guy comes in taking photos of everything and wants the guy to stand up so he can take a picture of a real cowboy.
“Sorry pal - I thought I was a cowboy - but I just found out I’m a lesbian!”
Oh man ! That was quick. Good one.
Thanks! That was the best one so far.
btt
The bartender says sorry mate we don't serve animals and you'll have to take it outside.
The guys says,mate,this aint no ordinary pig,about a month back,our house caught fire.We were all asleep till woken by the pig running up and down the hallway squealing.He saved us all.
Just last week our youngest fell off the river bank and the pig jumped straight in after him,no hesitation just dragged him outta the water.
The bartender says well bugger me,I've never heard anything like that before,it'd be my pleasure to pour the little fella a beer.
As he leans over to give the pig his beer he notices one of it's legs missing.What's the go with the missing leg?
The guy leans in close and says,mate,when you've got a pig this special,you don't eat him all at once.
.
One morning while out checking fences they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.
They pull up,get out of the truck and walk over to the sheep.
As they're walking,the Californian sees the Texan undoing his trousers and asks him what he's doing?
The Texan replies that out here on the land folks are far more resourcefull,more self reliant and always make the most of their opportunities and that you'd do well to follow suite.
So the Californian bends down and sticks his head in the fence.
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