Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In
The funniest joke in the world:
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
(Excerpt) Read more at innocentenglish.com ...
Grandpa sat on the porch watching his little grandson play in the dirt. The kid pulled a nightcrawler out of it’s hole. Grandpa said he would give the kid a quarter if he could get that worm back in the hole. Kid ran to the house, came out with a can of Grandma’s hairspray and hosed the worm down. When it dried, he shoved it in the hole. Grandpa handed over a quarter.
Next day at breakfast, Grandpa handed the kid a $20 bill and said, “Here, Grandma wanted you to have this.”
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: [yelling] He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: [yelling] He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: [yelling] He says he knows you.
LOL! Although if only our military were allowed to actually fight and win in Afghanistan, it really would be “Cowboys & Muslims”.
OK, here’s the only joke that’s always ready in my head:
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your wife back, your job back, your pickup truck back, and you sober up.
(See Rascal Flatts on youtube on this subject)
The man sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
The monkey wanders around the bar. He finds a peanut laying on the bar, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole. He finds a pretzel on the floor, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
Then, the monkey jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender asks what's up with the monkey. The man says the the monkey eats anything he can get his hands on. He apologizes, pays for the drink and the cue ball, takes the monkey and leaves.
The next week, the same man walks into the bar, with the same monkey. The man orders a drink, and the monkey starts wandering around looking for bits of food.
The monkey finds a cherry on the bar, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and swallows it whole. He finds a pretzel on the floor, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and swallows it whole.
The bartender asks about the monkey's strange behavior. The man replies, "He still likes to eat anything he finds, but after he passed that cue ball last week, he measures everything first!"
I'm here all week! Try the veal!
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Trying out the set-up, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him; he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls a third time and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him and asks, “What happened? Is the cord too long?” The first guy says, “No, the cord is fine. But what the hell is a pinata?”
He goes to a second cat house, and a third, and then a fourth, and in every one he asks if the hookers are unionized. In each one the madam says no.
Finally he comes to one and the answer to his question is, "Yes. We are a union shop. All our girls are members of the Service Workers Union, Local 704." Obama is elated.
Looking around the room, Obama spys a cute, slim brunette and tells the madam that that's the girl he'd like.
"I'm sure you would," the madam replies, gesturing to a fat hooker about 50 years old, "But Bertha here has seniority."
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because mad cow disease was already taken
I thought that dog was named cigarette and the owner took him for a drag.
The saddest song ever written - The Down to Seeds and Stems Again Blues
I’m sittin alone, Saturday night, watching the Late Late Show
A bottle of wine, some cigarettes, I got no place to go
Well, I saw your other man today, he was wearing my brand new shoes
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too
Well, I met my old friend Bob today from up in Bowling Green
He had the prettiest little gal that I’d ever seen
But I couldn’t hide my tears at all ‘cause she looked just like you
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too
Now everybody tells me there’s other ways to get high
They don’t seem to understand, I’m too far gone to try
Now these lonely memories, they’re all I can’t lose
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too
Well, my dog died just yesterday and left me all alone
The finance company dropped by today and repossessed my home
That’s just a drop in the bucket compared to losing you
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too
Got the down to seeds and stems again blues
A guy was out golfing with his wife. On the 16th hole, a dog-leg to the left, he hits a slight slice. The ball land in the parking lot for the maintenance shed.
He and his wife are looking at the lie and the wife says, “Both the overhead doors are open, just hit it through the shed and you could still save par.”
So he lines up and hits the ball. It almost makes it through the shed but catches the edge of the far door, comes straight back, hits his wife between the eyes and kills her.
Several monthe later, while playing with a buddy, he flubs the tee shot on the 16th hole. Same situation in the parking lot. His buddy says, “Both the overhead doors are open, just hit it through the shed and you could still save par.”
He says, “No way. Last time I tried that, I wound up with a triple bogie.”
When I was on instructor duty in the Navy, we were told we couldn't use profanity while instructing.
So we used the LONG words.....Defecation, Flatulation, Urination, and Fornication.
Bump the good stuff for later!
So.....”a dyslexic man walks into a bra....”
ping
Three blonds walked into a bar.
It was kind of strange, you’d think one of them would
have thought to open the door.
Now that's funny right th
Now that's funny right thLOL for the Monty Python reference.
Let's not forget the British entry in the humor contest:
I don't like all the sex on television. I mean, I keep falling off!It came in last.
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