Posted on 10/28/2011 5:09:34 AM PDT by Kaslin
Kate Bolick stares out at the world from the cover of The Atlantic magazine. She's wearing a black lace evening dress. "What, Me Marry?" asks the headline. She isn't smiling.
In fact, she isn't smiling in any of the photos that accompany her several thousand-word essay on singleness, marriage and the changing nature of dating and mating in America today. Bolick, 38, is groping toward accepting the idea that she may never marry. She badly wants to convince herself -- and us -- that older ideas about "unhappy" spinsters are silly cultural baggage best dropped off at the curb. And yet, there are those glamour shots -- Bolick behind the wheel wearing a fetching red dress; Bolick in a gold evening gown holding a glass of champagne; Bolick in a black cocktail dress -- but her expressions range from pensive to sad -- never happy.
Bolick seems genuinely conflicted about marriage. The daughter of a committed feminist, she marched off to third grade "in tiny green or blue T-shirts declaring: A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE." She recalls that when she was cuddling in the back seat of the family car with her high school boyfriend, her mother turned around and asked, "Isn't it time you two started seeing other people?" She took it for granted, she writes, "that (I) would marry, and that there would always be men (I) wanted to marry."
So sure was she of the limitless romantic opportunities available that at the age of 28, she broke up with a wonderful boyfriend. They had been together for three years. He was "an exceptional person, intelligent, good-looking, loyal, kind." Why did she discard him? "Something was missing."
Ten years later, she writes somewhat (though not entirely) ruefully "If dating and mating is in fact a marketplace . . . today we're contending with a new 'dating gap,' where marriage-minded women are increasingly confronted with either deadbeats or players."
There is a great deal of interesting data in this piece. According to the Pew Research Center, 44 percent of Millennials and 43 percent of Gen Xers think marriage is becoming obsolete. As of 2010, women held 51.4 percent of all managerial and professional positions, compared with 26 percent in 1980. Women account for the lion's share of bachelors and masters degrees, and make up a majority of the work force. Three quarters of the jobs lost during the recession were lost by men. "One recent study found a 40 percent increase in the number of men who are shorter than their wives." Fully 50 percent of the adult population is single, compared with 33 percent in 1950.
But these trends, however interesting, shed only an oblique light on the problem of the decline in marriageable males. Bolick edges closer to the truth in her discussion of sex.
"The early 1990s," she writes, "witnessed the dawn of the '"hookup culture"' at universities, as colleges stopped acting in loco parentis (actually they relinquished that role in the 1970s) and undergraduates . . . started throwing themselves into a frenzy of one-night-stands." Some young women, she notes, felt "forced into a promiscuity they didn't ask for," whereas young men "couldn't be happier."
According to economist Robert H. Frank, "when available women significantly outnumber men . . . courtship behavior changes in the direction of what men want." And vice versa. If there's a shortage of women, the females have more power to demand what they want, which tends to be (surprise!) monogamy. On college campuses, women outnumber men by 57 to 43 percent.
But economic analysis can take you only so far. Men's capacity to insist upon promiscuity rests completely on female cooperation. And women have been foolishly compliant for decades.
They've conspired in their own disempowerment, not because they love their sexual freedom (though a few may), but because people like Gloria Steinem and Ms. Bolick's mother convinced them that the old sexual mores, along with marriage and children, were oppressive to women.
The resulting decline of marriage has been a disaster for children, a deep disappointment to reluctantly single women and unhealthy for single men, who are less happy, shorter-lived and less wealthy than married men. The sexual revolution has left a trail of destruction in its wake, even when its victims don't recognize the perpetrator.
Excellent advice.
Going a little deeper, there are probably hard-wired long-term evolutionary reasons for this. The "sweet, kind" men tend to be among the first to die (along with any women who depend on them) when the environment takes a turn for the worse, and things can change very rapidly (ask survivors of events in Germany in the 1930s, white farmers in Zimbabwe, etc). There is survival value in being attracted to somebody who has a certain degree of aggressiveness and a willingness to be ruthless when the situation indicates.
The son needs to adopt an attitude of cocky self-confidence, and be less "sweet and kind" ( = willingness to have women walk all over him, which they interpret as weakness)
Ok, that’s twice I’ve read a post that is right on, and you posted it. We are appearing redundant, at least in our thoughts.
I HAD a problem that I didn’t understand. I understand it now, and am fine with it, and can actually do something about it, socially, when I have to. I did luck out with the woman, all right. But seriously, I must have brought SOMETHING to the table.
And, she was able to be a stay-at-home mom while our children were young. And I let her keep big dogs as house pets. What more could she ask? :)
I don’t know what you’re seeing, but I don’t find her unattractive at all, especially without the makeup. Remember, she’s pushing 40. (Of course, at 58, I may be seeing things differently—I knew I was getting old when Mrs. Howell started looking good!)
I’m completely with you on that. Unfortunately, both of you have to feel that way. And our culture incents women to “dump the bum” way too much.
Freepmail wagglebee to subscribe or unsubscribe from the moral absolutes ping list.
FreeRepublic moral absolutes keyword search
Having taught in engineering school, I can tell you that noawadays, there are a lot more women there than there were when I was an undergraduate. And the men are just as horny as anywhere.
Also, there are a lot of foreign students that are looking for an American wife, so they can get a green card. Finally, there are certain nationalities that enjoy making it with Jewish women and bragging about it later. That's for all the Jewish women out there.
—The three words that a woman most loves to hear are NOT “I love you”, but are “I wuz wrong”
Learn it early enough fellows, and you can save yourself a lot of anguish. Doesn’t matter if you were really wrong, or not. give her what she wants, and she will give you what you want.—
PLEASE tell me that was sarcasm!
Life has not turned out so swell for lots of committed feminists, like Bolick, many of whom were openly homosexual and loved their man-hating ways. The cumulative effect over the years of the radical feminists has been negative. The radical anti-American gender feminists had far greater effect, for the worse, than mainstream equity feminists on American society. Without their pernicious influence, American society would be far better off.
We went to school the exact same years. Although my school was much more sedate. West texas values etc.
I didn’t type what you quoted. It is from a post I was quoting and responding to.
BTW, I disagree with your post. In a pointless, evolution based reality it would be absolutely true. In our “man created in God’s image” universe, it considers the natural man while ignoring the more real, spiritual man.
It is a fallacy that the choice is between "nice" and "abusive". A characteristic that seems to attract women is being civil while it being clear that you will not tolerate being messed with. Referring to the movies, "Pee Wee Herman" nice will repel women, while "Bruce Willis" assertiveness will attract.
Gee, that was a little harsh on all women. (Although it might describe one of my older, very liberal sisters) Maybe you want to tell us about your recent experience with a woman. We’re all understanding here. I think.
She posed for the cover of a national magainze looking like THAT?
Hey honey. Brush the hair out of your face - smile - and you will look 100 percent prettier.
Of course she’ll still have the internal emotional baggage problems, but she could at least make an easy start by how she looks.
The knife definitely cuts both ways, PapaBear!
That is very true, Cuban Leaf! To apologize is to show humility AND it shows concern about the other person’s feelings. When someone (male or female) lacks that basic humility, they will do so the rest of their lives.
“Rule of thumb for comparing sexual market value: Beta guy = Fat chick.”
Typically, people pair up with their number. A six will get with a six, eight with an eight and so on.
But a mature person will start to look past that.
My son was a solid eight - maybe a nine - in appearance. (He’s let himself go over the last year or so.) He has the ‘alpha’ personality, attitude and confidence.
He prided himself in being able to ‘get any girl that I want’, and he really could.
But he got tired of b*tches. He found out that the girls who were nines and tens were rarely good, happy, sweet people. (They’re out there, but that’s not the norm.)
He started looking at fours and sixes with more interest. Taking the time to get to know what was ‘under the hood’. He’s found that the more ‘plain’ girls tend to be much kinder and less stressful to be around. When he gives such a girl attention, she’s responsive instead of accepting it as her due and demanding more.
He’s finally realized that getting the prettiest girl to sleep with you isn’t the end game. Looks fade. He’s looking for a kind person who shares his values and that he enjoys spending time with. “You’re eventually going to have to listen to her talk. It’s more important to like someone than to lust for them.”
If he can figure all of this out at 18, it shouldn’t be beyond the grasp of the average male.
Anybody can find a loving mate. One just needs to adjust their evaluation techniques.
As far as the ‘alphas’ getting laid all the time... well, good for them. But they’re not on the path to happiness and contentment and neither are the girls that they’re sleeping with.
Hey Kate!
tic... toc... tic... toc...
It’s not that she is unattractive, just that she looks cold, aloof, and impossible to please. I’m not in the dating market, but I would cheerfully have gone for a much less attractive woman with an upbeat personality back when I was dating. I’ve never been desperate enough to approach a woman with that look. I’m financially quite comfortable and still in the top 1%, even after choosing to cut my work hours and income by over 90%, but she looks like she’d complain about my old income, and even if that doubled she’d still be complaining unless I doubled my income every year. No, thank you!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.