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The tragedy of miscarriage
www.lifesitenews.com ^ | Mon Jun 06 | Fr. Frank Pavone

Posted on 06/08/2011 11:28:14 AM PDT by frogjerk

The wound comes from well-meaning people. “Well, it wasn’t that far along.” “You can always have another child.” “Lots of people go through this.”

Miscarriage is a tragedy that so many people misunderstand. They are not quite sure how to console a friend or relative who has suffered this loss.

While there are no magic formulas, there is one fundamental truth that needs to stay front and center: a miscarriage is the loss of a child who is just as real and has just as much value as any other child of any age. A woman who has a miscarriage is a parent who has lost a child, as is the father of the child as well.

In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child,” and that is precisely what hurts so much. We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real.

Dr. Byron Calhoun, President of the American Association of Pro-life Ob-Gyns, has observed that prior to 1970, the loss of a child before or during birth was often treated in medical literature as a “non-event,” but that now there is a growing awareness of the grief associated with such loss. In fact, Dr. Calhoun has developed a hospice program for unborn children.

As the medical community advances in sensitivity and understanding of these points, so must we all. Our love, our compassion, our sharing in the grief of such losses, can bring healing to the parents who have suffered miscarriage. The naming of these children who have died is one significant way of acknowledging their reality. The counting of these children matters too, so that if a parent is asked how many children he/she has, the child who died before birth is counted as one of them.

I recall the first pro-life billboard that we set up in 1990 here in our community of Staten Island, New York. It depicted a developing unborn child. One of the first phone calls I received about it was from a woman who had lost a child by miscarriage. “I can’t tell you how consoling your billboard is to me. Thank you.” That was all she said.

Perhaps the reason it was consoling was that someone was saying publicly what she knew privately: that was a real child. The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows.

Lord, comfort all parents who grieve the loss of their children of any age. Take them into Your loving arms, and give us strength until the day You give them back to us in heaven. Amen.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Philosophy; Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: abortion; miscarriage; prolife
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Amen
1 posted on 06/08/2011 11:28:22 AM PDT by frogjerk
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To: frogjerk

I lost my daughter’s twin during their eleventh week of gestation. Knowing she was going to be ok was my only saving grace. That was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face and it still breaks my heart when I think of my child being an only child. I still can’t watch her when she plays in front of a mirror, because for those first fleeting seconds I get an impression of what her sister would have been like.


2 posted on 06/08/2011 11:34:03 AM PDT by MissEdie (America went to the polls on 11-4-08 and all we got was a socialist thug and a dottering old fool.)
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To: frogjerk

Amen,
Amen.

Mother’s Day Sunday services at church were some of the most tragic days for my wife. There was miscarriage after miscarriage (dashed expectations), examinations, proceedures, faded hopes, and a constant sense of failure.

Few people could comprehend the pain.


3 posted on 06/08/2011 11:38:07 AM PDT by kinsman redeemer (The real enemy seeks to devour what is good.)
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To: frogjerk
A good article. People who have never been through it do not understand what it means to miscarry a child.

We were blessed with two sons before losing three babies to miscarriage. God gave us a beautiful girl after losing those three, our miracle baby. She's 14 now, a wonderful and bright teenager.

Thanks for the post!

4 posted on 06/08/2011 11:45:24 AM PDT by TonyInOhio (The dice are on the table. It is hot in Suez.)
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To: MissEdie

This happened to me too. You are the first person I’ve run across who had the same experience. My daughter remained an only and at 24 seems to have few regrets about her lack of siblings. I’m sure your daughter will come to terms with it too. I think we moms have more difficulty with it than our children.


5 posted on 06/08/2011 11:45:54 AM PDT by McLynnan
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To: kinsman redeemer

Exactly the same here. It was brutal.


6 posted on 06/08/2011 11:46:21 AM PDT by Made In The USA (This post may be recorded for quality purposes.)
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To: frogjerk

Amen.

miscarriage = loss of a child

God, have mercy.


7 posted on 06/08/2011 11:47:44 AM PDT by Sopater (...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. - 2 COR 3:17b)
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To: frogjerk
I lost 2 babies at early gestational ages, and these are among the most emotionally wrenching experiences I have ever had.

Only in the second instance did I have the presence of mind to ask for the remains so I could bury them--- and the nurse shot me a look of disgust and said "Absolutely not". I didn't have the emotional strength to argue: I was dazed with pain.

I thought of that just recently when I found a songbird killed by a car in the street in front of my house. I wrapped it and its scattered feathers in a paper napkin and buried it in my garden. Even a bird I would bury with a measure of respect. Surely my child.

8 posted on 06/08/2011 11:47:49 AM PDT by Mrs. Don-o ("Show me one who loves: he knows what I mean." St. Augustine)
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To: MissEdie

I’m sorry for your loss. Prayers up.


9 posted on 06/08/2011 11:48:31 AM PDT by frogjerk (Liberalism: The ideology of envy.)
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To: MissEdie
I understand how you feel. My 6th child didn't get to leave the hospital. She lived only 10 hours. Also have worked in the hospital and women that miscarry go through a very traumatic emotional experience...You have to allow yourself to move on but its hard. My husband had to go to the burial himself as I was still in the hospital. My two oldest son's asked to go with him....They were 6 1/2 and 7 1/2. They would sit with me on the sofa with their hands on my belly hoping to feel their baby kick and move. She did very little moving, born paralyzed from waist down, emergency C section, spina bifida mylomenegesceal sp/. That was decades ago but I still think of her once in a while...there is no grief anymore, but you have to go through it at the time....
10 posted on 06/08/2011 11:49:10 AM PDT by goat granny
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To: kinsman redeemer

God Bless you, your wife and your family.


11 posted on 06/08/2011 11:52:00 AM PDT by frogjerk (Liberalism: The ideology of envy.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

God Bless you.


12 posted on 06/08/2011 11:52:45 AM PDT by frogjerk (Liberalism: The ideology of envy.)
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In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child,” and that is precisely what hurts so much. We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real.

What a TRUTH!

13 posted on 06/08/2011 11:54:16 AM PDT by frogjerk (Liberalism: The ideology of envy.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

I lost three babies before birth, and the grief was more agonizing than my father’s suicide, because a mother is supposed to be able to protect her babies, and I couldn’t.

Two of them are buried with my father, where I will lie down some day. Sometimes I wish I could swim through the earth to them - but they are not there - they are at heaven’s feast.


14 posted on 06/08/2011 12:04:35 PM PDT by heartwood
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To: frogjerk; All

Although I had had an uneventful pregnancy, my son developed aspiration pneumonia shortly after birth. They said there was a 25% possibility of death. That was plenty traumatic, and it must be so much worse to actually loose your wanted child at any stage.

Meanwhile hear some thoughts on reducing the liklihood of miscarriage. My husband’s mother had lost two before she was pregnant with him. Her doctor paid a lot of attention to improving her nutrition, and he was born healthy. I decided we should go into “training” so for a year I made a point of feeding use extra well and also taking appropriate vitamin and mineral supplements. I also read Adelle Davis’ book, “Let’s Have Healthy Children.” After my children were born I followed her advise on nursing and making my own baby food. My sons are now 41 and 37. The older one is in Special Forces and has never had a cavity. The younger has had only one cavity.

Something else that does not get enough emphasis and publicity is that the “sudden infant death” rate for nursed babies is significantly lower than for the bottle fed. Apparently doctors are afraid of making bereaved mothers feel guilty. Doctors should be feeling guilty for not encouraging prospective mothers to nurse.


15 posted on 06/08/2011 12:15:36 PM PDT by gleeaikin
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To: Mrs. Don-o

I lost my first little boy at 15 weeks. I was at home at the time. The Catholic funeral home came and picked up his little body, took it to the local Catholic hospital until he was buried at the Catholic cemetery along with other miscarried children. Both the funeral home and the cemetery had services for him. And all at no cost to us. I have since encouraged anyone who has to have a d&c to have it done at a Catholic hospital because they do respect the baby’s remains.


16 posted on 06/08/2011 12:19:47 PM PDT by mockingbyrd
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To: heartwood
Heaven: that's good to think about.

I have this mental picture of human existence. We are, billions of us, like candles, a vast galazy of candles, steadily being snuffed out in huge wide darkening swaths. Even people who attain to 90, in a full and accomplished life, are really just living the blink of an eye, in the history of the Universe; most of the humans who have ever lived have already been extinguished, their molecules scattered; and our extinction --- if that's what it be --- rushes dark upon us.

So there are, as I see it, just two options: either all our lives are meaningless, like our doomed babies, only an instant to shine, and an eternity to be forgotten (and all our thoughts about "Valuable" and "Beautiful" and "True, so true" and "More Precious than..." are unbearable nullities) -- or---

Or God saves every good thing; nothing is futile; nothing is lost; all is in Him, saved, stored, restored: come to Him and in His heart find all.

About 45 years ago, good gracious, I read a poem of which I will never forget the last line:

"Wherefore He will sometime blow out the sun, And snuff the stars,
Preferring candle-light..."

17 posted on 06/08/2011 12:32:07 PM PDT by Mrs. Don-o ("Show me one who loves: he knows what I mean." St. Augustine)
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To: frogjerk

I’ve lost two children due to miscarriage, comments like “you can always have another child” anger me more than anything. We tried for years just for those two. One was lost because my OBGYN did a papsmear against my wishes (actually pushed me back on the table) and I got an infection, and the second one I didn’t know I was pregnant and had surgery.

The hardest part is mother’s day and when people ask how many children I have. I always say two, but they are both deceased.

Great, now I’m crying again.


18 posted on 06/08/2011 12:33:25 PM PDT by reaganaut (Ex-Mormon, now Christian - "I once was lost, but now am found; was blind but now I see")
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To: kinsman redeemer

I skip church on Mother’s day for that specific reason. I understand.


19 posted on 06/08/2011 12:35:16 PM PDT by reaganaut (Ex-Mormon, now Christian - "I once was lost, but now am found; was blind but now I see")
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To: mockingbyrd
I am sorry about your losing your little boy. And what you said about the Catholic hospital, the funeral home and the cemetary---It's good to know that. I had no idea--- and there aren't any specifically Catholic hospitals or such with 100 miles of here (upper east Tennessee, 100 miles NE of Knoxville).

It is wonderful that people are good-hearted to do this. It means a lot.

20 posted on 06/08/2011 12:38:17 PM PDT by Mrs. Don-o ("Show me one who loves: he knows what I mean." St. Augustine)
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