A Modern Modest Proposal - Funeral Compaction

Enterprise Record News ^ | 4/1/10 | Jack Lee

[Tom Hawks]

Let's face it, funerals are expensive and so is cemetery space, which is not always available. Cremation was thought to address costs and space, but even cremation has it's down side. Studies have shown cremation releases micro pollutants into the air as well as consuming a lot of BTU's. Surely there must be another way, a better way, right?

Yes, finally there is another way - cremation is out and compaction is in. That's right, compaction folks. You wonder why somebody hasn't thought of this before. It's environmentally safe and compaction uses only a fraction of the energy in a typical cremation, plus its far cheaper than the traditional casket burial. But, why bury em when you can keep your loved ones close and even useful.

Here's how it works and this is according to the latest issue of Science Today magazine: Consider that the average human is made up of about 65% water and under high pressure compaction in conjunction with a simple dehydration process. What remains is a perfectly dry, odorless square about 12 inches across and it weighs only about 7 pounds give or take, depending on their original size. But, the best is yet to come.

[Tom Hawks]

Hey, all we need to do is add a little spice, maybe a bit of additives to make them really last and we can turn our compacted loved ones into Soilent Green. Then when all these great social programs by Obama and the Democrats get implemented, we will have a source of food for the starving masses that will need to be fed.

Just think, after you die you will still be a vibrant member of our society by helping your loved ones, who are still living, survive by being their food. After all, if you think Obama and the Democrats are going to let you leave your hard earned money and possessions to them think twice. They will need all those assets to pay for the social programs that will never get funded because everyone will be working for the state that produces nothing but misery.

[El Sordo]

One word: Compost.

[KarlInOhio]

Consider that the average human is made up of about 65% water and under high pressure compaction in conjunction with a simple dehydration process.

Soylent Green is people jerky.

[bgill]

April Fool’s joke?

You just know someone’s now going to stuff grandma into the kitchen compactor and wonder why it didn’t work and he’s behind bars.

[Anti-Utopian]

I believe freeze-drying combined with grinding would give the benefits of cremation without the aerosols.

[null and void]

[Tom Hawks]

Yes, but our comrades in power we will need something for us plebs to chew on while they contemplate and map out our miserable future......

After all the many forms of amuse-ment will distract us for just so long. LOL

[Tijeras_Slim]

No can do, anyone named Slim is compelled to go out with a bang.

[Slyfox]

[Tom Hawks]

Wow, that’s great. If I had known that was around I think I would have posted it with the article.

LOL, too funny.

[Julia H.]

I hate to poop on your party, but:

“For more details on funeral compaction please contact CSNA the Compaction Society of North America at 1-800-aprilfools.”

[Tom Hawks]

I know, I posted it because it is April 1st.

[MediaMole]

Auger truck and vertical burial.

[oldtimer2]

Guys; Read the whole article. You can contact the Compaction Society of North America at 1-800-APRILFOOLS

[Vendome]

Dinner Plate Funeral

[hinckley buzzard]

The ultimate green funeral. Bury me under that arbor vitae over there.