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Lets write Letterman’s monologue for him. I’ll start:

“Hi folks, people always complain that I keep this studio ice cold, but I how else am going to keep the intern’s headlights on?

Tough week for me folks. The National Enquirer is reporting that my wife is leaving me. Absolutely not true. She’s just going back to college—which mean our sex life should be heating up.

People say Dave if you were gonna cheat, why do it with some dumpy underling when you could have been banging models—But I follow Bill Clinton’s rule: It’s not sex if she doesn’t put down the Pringles can.

You know when you compare me to the other cheating scumbags out there I’m not that bad. I didn’t knock her up like Edwards. I didn’t run off to Argentina like Sanford. And most importantly, I didn’t misuse the international gay morse code like Larry Craig.”

Man I should have been a comedy writer lol.