Posted on 06/23/2009 4:52:16 PM PDT by Bokababe
Reunions of adopted children and their birth parents are usually heartwarming moments in which tears flow and broken bonds are made whole in mere seconds.
At least that's how it usually plays out on "Oprah."
But that wasn't the case last Dec. 13, when an Atlantic City woman came face to face with the daughter she placed for adoption 30 years ago after being raped.
This short reunion on the woman's doorstep left her feeling "violated, in shock, and short of breath," according to a lawsuit filed Thursday in U.S. District Court, in Camden, and she believes that a division of New Jersey's Department of Children and Families helped set up the traumatic event.
(Excerpt) Read more at philly.com ...
This mother did NOT throw her child away. On the contrary, it took enormous courage to accept that at the time, she was unable to unconditionally cherish that child the way she deserved to be loved. That took guts.
I adopted a sibling set of four (fully biological) out of foster care, and they know who their birthparents are (since they were old enough at removal to remember being with them). They are now 7, 11, 12, and 15. On occasion, they have asked about finding their birthparents “to tell them what they did wrong”, and I have told them that when they turn 18, I will do what I can to help them locate their birthparents. However, I sat my oldest down (she’s 15) and told her that since she will turn 18 first, it may not be in the best interest of her younger three siblings for her birthparents to know our name and where we live, which would be revealed should my daughter wish to contact them at that time. I’ve asked her to be willing to wait until her younger siblings become “of age” so they can decide together what is best. I’m raising them to think for themselves, to consider others lovingly in decisions they make, and they are open to my input (praise God).
Being an adoptive mother myself, I am so careful never to judge or criticize anyone for reliquinshing a child they give birth to. I cannot possibility begin to know the agony of that decision — or the enormous courage it requires.
All I read in your posts is about “how everyone feels”. That is not what I asked you. You said her RIGHTS were taken away. None of us have the right to choose who raises us or what family we call our own. We have the right to LIFE, LIBERTY and the PURSUIT of happiness. The birth mother chose life. So again I ask you what RIGHT was denied this daughter?
I don’t know how I would FEEL about it but I dont live my life based on my feelings. I know one thing for sure, I would be thankful to be alive (I was born in 1974) and I would respect my birth mother’s RIGHTS over my FEELINGS.
You know, no matter what life has dealt us, there is always someone out there that got a worse hand. And it isn’t so bad, when you think about that.
My back hurts from a degenerative disease, but I can still get up and walk everyday; there are many in wheelchairs, or without legs. And it goes on...
All perspective, and acceptance, and gratitude.
Annelizly, it is too bad that you are so immature you can’t be grateful for life. This woman could have aborted this child, and this child needs to be glad she didn’t Now she has a chance at life, to make a difference in this world and for her future family.
She was given up at birth. There are not missing pictures; there is no missing family. It just people, like you, that suffer a bit in life, that think it must be because “I don’t know my mommy (whine, whine, whine).”
I was given up at birth, taken back, taken away, spent awhile in foster care. THERE IS NOTHING for me from those years. But she didn’t abort, and didn’t kill me. And finally, when the time came, she let me go. I thank God for that every day. I have a chance at life, a chance at praising Him, and knowing His Love. I don’t have time to worry about her.
You are the only one on here griping about the poor adoptees who have sad feelings, and need to be fulfilled. I am telling you to get over it and get on with your life.
First. I am grateful for life. just as grateful as anyone else but not more so.
Yest that woman was given life and not aborted. so she should be more grateful than anyone else who was born? bologne!
this girl didn’t know when she went searching that she was aproduct of rape or that her situation was so tragic. maybe she assumed that she fell into the larger percentage that were given up for adoption unwillingly by a parent who loved her and hoped to meet her someday. there are many reunions that turned out just that way and were wonderful.
and second, do not assume to know one way or another if i have “gotten on with my life”. i’m sure you’ll be happy to know that my life is quite “gotten on with”. with husband, children, and all sorts of wonderful things. just because my opinion doesn’t mesh with yours doesn’t mean that I don’t have a life.
Just because you had a terrible beginning doesn’t mean that everyone did.
I DID have a reunion with my birth family and it was WONDERFUL and worth every second of searching.
so, you see, searching and finding IS AND WAS everything that it could and should be!
And if you are referring to being a good christian in your post then i would pray about your “whine , whine, grow up, immature” name calling behavior. Its unseemly.
Sometimes Christians need a good butt whipping to get them into shape. You are in definite need of one.
Yes, I am saying she, and you, shouldn’t have looked. It was all about you.
perhaps the daughter “persuit of happiness” was to find her genetic information.
Or maybe it was when the government and her mother took her “lifetime” rights away when they entered a contract that would keep her from her own birth cirtificate for the rest of her life.
I agree with making decision based on what is best for the child . but eventually that child grows up and becomes an adult and should no longer be beholden to a contract that was made about them but without their consent.
this is the basis for alot of new adoption laws being passed.
being aborted could have always been an option, but since i am opposed to abortion I do not give the institution more power by telling people they should be glad they weren’t aborted. I mean really,,, aren’t you glad your dad didn’t deposit you into a kleenex??? its the same “could have” scenerio.
I agree, the state went beyound the boundaries. The letter, of which I have no idea what the wording was, should have indicated something like “if you fail to respond, we will keep the case closed”. On the other hand, the daughter should have been given medical history, anonymously if she wanted it.
The details of the rape are more than likely not required.
first off. christians don’t need butt whipings. second how is it your business if she or I searched? who are you to tell anyone what they can do?
Who are you to tell a mother, who instead of aborting a child, a life, chose to give her up for adoption, and give her a wonderful chance at life, that she then owes this child anything?
WHO ARE YOU to say that?
And yes, if you don’t think that Christians don’t need a wakeup call from time to time, that we don’t get off track, then you are delusional.
Oh wait, you are delusional, fits right in with the whine, whine, whine, it is all about me attitude you are carrying around in life.
If the mother goes public about reliving the trauma of rape it should not be false but accurate.
She has every right to persue it. She isnt guaranteed that she will find it. What are “lifetime” rights? Years ago there were no such things a birth certificates. It is a government made document. The contract the birth mother entered into was with the state and not with the child. The state is beholden to the mother unless the mother gives up her rights. Are you equating sperm with a newly conceived child? Your arguments are emotional and illogical. We (most of us here) are talking about law and ours rights under the law, you are talking about what makes you feel good. You still havent answered my original question. What right was denied to this daughter by her birth mother?
Do you mean proven rape? Sometimes rapes are not reported to the police. So, that’s irrelevant imho.
If she lied, she will answer to God about that.
Also, our rights end when they deny someone else their rights. This mother has a right to privacy UNDER THE LAW. This daughter had a right to persue finding her mother until she found out that the mother wanted her privacy. This is where the daughter’s rights ended.
I actually DID answer your question.
Her RIGHT not to have to honor a contract that she DID NOT sign nor agree to!
I am not equating sperm with a conceived child. if you read my most you would know that i was trying to make the point that we could “what if” all day long and that not just adoptees should be lucky that they are alive because one simple action could have changed the entire outcome.
In the meantime, she shouldn't use a false standing as a rape victim to help line her pockets.
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