The Peter Pan Myth: The Real Reason Men Won’t Settle Down

Pajamas Media ^ | November 19, 2008 | Michael Weiss

[AJKauf]

Just how popular is Kay Hymowitz’s City Journal essay, “Love in the Time of Darwinism,” which decries the phenomenon of marriage-avoiding man-children? So popular that it was sent to me by no less than three different friends today (all males) and it’s been featured on two different traffic engines this week: Arts & Letters Daily and Real Clear Politics.

Her brief is actually a mild apology for a previous essay in which she reprehended the jaded and loveless men of my generation for, as she puts it here, “whiling away their leisure hours with South Park reruns, marathon sessions of World of Warcraft, and Maxim lists of the ten best movie fart scenes” instead of humming Cole Porter tunes and throwing their jackets over puddles in the street for their intendeds. Courtship is dead, and mankind may well be facing extinction given how many men refuse to grow up, get hitched, and start procreating. What happened to Cary Grant? He turned into Seth Rogen.

The question isn't "Why aren't more men getting married before age 30?" It's "Why are any?" ....

[JamesP81]

So unless the seemingly rare man actually wants children and a mate to spend his life with, why not play Xbox all day and make a couple of calls for a booty call at night?

I don't think this is as big of a cause as is commonly believed.

I have no interest in a 'booty call'. You can sleep with some loose skank, but it'll leave you feeling hollow, and emotionally detached. It means nothing, and when the skank leaves, you're alone again. Also, booty calls aren't as maintenance free as is suggested. STDs and pregnancy are all possible outcomes.

Nevertheless, with each passing day, I'm getting more and more soured on marriage. Chiefly, the average American female is getting to where she's quite a poisonous creature. And the few good ones can't easily be told apart from the many bad ones. On top of all that, I'm not much to look at myself, so I guess it was somewhat inevitable.

I would like to find a woman, marry, have children. I just don't see it happening in the current social atmosphere. Better to be alone than make a poor choice of spouse.

[50sDad]

Why do men love remote controls and computers?

1) They do exactly what you tell them.
2) If they don't you can fix them or replace them.
3) They don't spend all their time trying to change you. 4) You can turn them off and enjoy the quiet.

Similarly, I enjoy this example on the differences between men and women:

A group of men has gathered for an event (assuredly involving sports viewing, but it could be a D&D game for that matter.) They run out of dip. A short discussion will ensue, involving who is closer to the fridge, whose fridge it is, who got the last item of food for the group, and other weighable factors. An Alpha Male will rise to the top of the group, a subordinate will be selected, and he will be dispatched quickly to solve the problem by returning with the dip while the others go back to the game. Period from dip-negative to dip-positive, roughly two minutes

A group of women has gathered for an event. They run out of dip. A lengthy discussion will follow involving various recipes for dip, where they first tried each dip and who they were with, and what clothes they had on when they enjoyed the dip. The entire group will gravitate into the kitchen where the recipes will be evaluated against what is on hand, and the group will reach a joint resolution that they all can live with, whereupon dip will be made, tested, evaluated, enhanced, and produced for the group's enjoyment. Period from dip-negative to dip-positive, probably about a half an hour, but it may go longer if they finally decide everyone doesn't really like it and they have to go through the whole thing again.

Men value achievement, and women value consensus.

A third example would be that insane ethnic-sounding line dance nonsense that seems to show up at every wedding reception these days. Women who would baulk at their significant other telling them what to do line up like giggling schoolgirls to hear a man on a CD command "turn LEFT...dum, dum...slide BACK...dum, dum...do it AGAIN!" Generally the you can watch women of all ages cluster up for these songs, with a smattering of school-age boys dragged into the mix. Off to the side, waiting for it to end, you will find most of the men, hoping to God that their wives or significant others don't drag them onto the dance floor.

To the women, the event is getting together and everyone doing the same thing, with is a double-plus-good in their value system. To the men, the very same event offers only two outcomes: if they try and fail at the dance, they will be cut from their pack as being uncoordinated (and a doofus for trying), and if they try and succeed, well, congratulations, you dance like a girl.

[ryan71]

Why should anybody care if men don’t want to settle down?

Our daughters are being taught they don’t need men, anyway.

WTH? The feminists claim they don’t need men then ridicule men for not needing women.

[Oatka]

I am not bragging because I think this is digusting - I am a 48 year old married man (I wear a ring) in the last 4 months I have been chatted up by 4 women for sex.

I've not had that happen, yet, but am astounded by the emails I get. About a year ago I was doing some research on a dancer and joined places like FaceBook, etc., asking for info. I am still getting offers from "Tiffany" and "Buffy" and all the rest who want to be my "friend". Granted some are cops and a few trolls/losers, but the volume indicates there's a lot of desperate people out there.

[50sDad]

Rituals

"I'm not so very old", she said
"I just turned 28,
But boy it's been a long, long time
Since I've been on a date.
I mean like a dinner, and a movie,
A good night kiss at the door"
We are not content with kisses anymore.

My Grama told me stories
How she and Grampa met,
How their courtship followed local rules of etiquette.
The flowers that he brought her
The dresses that she wore.
We are not impressed with such ritual any more.

My father met my mother through a mutual friend
They knew each other for two months before they ever kissed
And when the did they were embarrassed and just a little scared
By this awkward declaration that they cared.

But now we rush into everything so fast.
Love that's here so quickly
Soon becomes a part of the past
It never works out right
'Cause nothing everlasting ever happens overnight.

So if you think you love her, take your time
Walk her in the moonlight
Maybe even try to write a line or two of poetry
Or perhaps a song.
You might find you're building
A love that's going to last a long, long time.

Take you time, Oh take your time
There is something to be said for rituals we've left behind
There is something to be said for the dance
back to old-fashioned romance.

Words and Music by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig
Music ASCAP & Happy Valley Music BMI
Copyright 1986, Palindrome Records, Philo

[ryan71]

“Get rid of no-fault divorce, and the problem solves itself”

Ha ha! So true.

Of course, the murder rate would shoot (pun intended) through the roof.

[Dr.Zoidberg]

Easy sex.

Easy divorce.

Courts predisposed to sympathy for the wife, awarding her child custody and ridiculous sums in settlement while leaving you raped and mugged by the legal system.

Alienation of your children as your ex-wife spends every day ravaging you before them until they hate you as much as she does.

...

Nope, not a single reason to avoid the entanglements of marriage. Not at all.

[Rudder]

Few mammalian species have males that settle down to one sex partner, thanks to the well-known principles of the "Cooledge Effect."

[JamesP81]

And single women/single moms (and I would guess kids from broken homes) seem to overwhelmingly vote Democrat

I can only speak for myself. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old and it had the opposite effect on me. I learned fast and hard that you have to make your own way as best you can. Democrats tend to hinder that whereas conservatives will tend to stay out of my way.

[JamesP81]

Men aren’t looking for a rival, there are plenty enough of those in the world already.

Agreed. I have enough rivals at work, and those rivalries generally aren't of a bitter, personal nature either.

[50sDad]

In short, they’ve been emasculated.

I imagine in most instances of "Columbine-like" behavior, you would find a young man who has had women trying to engineeer out of him his "male agression" like it was some kind of disease. Everytime we outlaw dodgeball, we are laying the foundation for trouble down the road. Men are men, and when you devalue that, you reap the whirlwind.

[autumnraine]

“I have no interest in a ‘booty call’. You can sleep with some loose skank, but it’ll leave you feeling hollow, and emotionally detached. It means nothing, and when the skank leaves, you’re alone again. Also, booty calls aren’t as maintenance free as is suggested. STDs and pregnancy are all possible outcomes.”

James, commendable you are. Rare? You are also that.

That is sad because I have three daughters I want to get good son in laws with.

[ctdonath2]

Period from dip-negative to dip-positive, roughly two minutes

And that's the LONG version. Very often the story is:

A group of men has gathered for an event. They run out of dip. The first one who wants more dip gets more dip. The rest immediately benefit from the self-serving act, as the spoils of hunting/gathering overflow. Period from dip-negative to dip-positive, roughly 10 seconds.

[JamesP81]

Try finding a sub 30 woman worth marrying in an urban setting. Seriously, If I was young and single I wouldn’t probably marry a one of em. They are all way too selfish and self absorbed.

I am young and single. The kicker is that even though there are good ones, there is no reliable way to tell the good from the bad anymore.

[ctdonath2]

Thing is: it takes two. You can do your part, but you can’t make the other do theirs.

[JamesP81]

Maybe the marriage / legal system is so set against men that men choose not to marry, as their only protection.

It's the only way to be certain. You know, it'd be nice to have a good woman at my side and a family. But being free is worth something too.

[MrB]

Look around for churches that cater to homeschooling.

I know a few mid-20’s, low 30’s gals looking for a good Godly husband.

[JamesP81]

Probably not a bad idea, but without going into detail, I have other issues plaguing my social life that would probably de-rail. In my own personal situation, I’ve simply got too many things stacked against me.

[MrB]

A tough standard, but...
Ephesians 6

[JenB987]

I always wanted a man that wasn’t too scared to tell me to shut up when I needed to.

So when I found him, I married him.

Just because I have female parts doesn’t make me ALWAYS right. ;)