You mean this dress? I go with spider.
Posted on 11/17/2008 4:53:59 PM PST by JACKRUSSELL
To: The Citizens of the United States of America
From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the United States and therefore your inability to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’, and ‘neighbour’. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘U’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’.
3. July 4th will no longer be a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can not sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you do wish to carry one.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road, effective immediately. At the same time, you will also begin using the metric system immediately, no conversion tables will be allowed. Both roundabouts and the metric system will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former U.S.A. will adopt the U.K. prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/U.S. gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and this can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will now be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one that you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. (Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.) You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first (a neighbouring country of New Zealand) to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (retroactive to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, and with strawberries and cream when in season.
God Save the Queen.
Not going to buy it, but I will say this:
At least the Queen served her country during a war. She did not have to do that, and I have always admired her for that choice.
I read a funny letter in a British paper today, the writer reminded us that when Madonna came to the UK she wanted to become more “English”. She now has three kids with three different fathers one of whom is African.
Job done then.
Diana was high maintenance.
LOL! Points well taken. ;-)
I heard a slightly different version, the definition of style was;
Wear Italian
Drive German
Eat French
Speak English
You can work out your own definition of what is not stylish.
No. They smoke each other.
No thanks, at least here in the USA we’re still armed, and becoming more so, and can defend ourselves against criminals and tyrants. We still have areas of retreat. We’re still behind the UK curve regarding political correctness, though not far and catching up. We don’t have sharia law yet. Why rush to meet the end of freedom when you can fight against it?
Ping
Diana was high maintenance.
How twue, how twue, but Charlie is a weakling, a twit, and pathetically needy.
Mrs 0bama is going to be higher maint...wait and see..they say she is going to become a fashion trendsetter..erk
You should look up "kiss my ass" in the Declaration of Independence.
Make me.
RE: #6
Holy sh!t! you just described Michigan! Why they insist on replacing intersections with “roundabouts” is beyond me. Some sort of punishment I think.
Having visited London on numerous occasions, it is hard not to do so after a few days and/or a few beers.
I thought everything the British cooked was gray in color.
The awful ones are banish to the Isles. Sorry England for foisting her upon you.
What?!? You didn’t like the Black Widow dress??
Bugger off, rumpy-pumpy, tosser! Is that enough English swear words? ;-)
You mean this dress? I go with spider.
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