Posted on 05/13/2008 12:49:18 PM PDT by Squawk 8888
Where are the damn car keys?
The socks? The left sneaker, when only the right one remains where you last pulled them off?
In the greater universe of smaller things, some objects seem to have a mind, and get-away plan, all their own.
Explaining it away as aging grey matter, just one of those days or mind games played by the dog, most of us just blindly move forward — always keeping an eye out for our much loved but still missing bric-a-brac.
But what if science could open a door into this lost world? What if the brightest men and women — with lab coats, analytical minds and time on their hands — could qualify and quantify the smallest, universal nuisance?
Then you would have a case study in missing teaspoons — as well as a lesson on the universal need for levity in the face of a petty nuisance.
Australia's largest infectious disease research facility — the Centre for Epidemiology and Population Health Research and the Macfarlane Burnet Institute in Melbourne — moved to a new building a few years ago. That's when veteran researcher Dr. Campbell Aitken and his brainy staff began to scratch their heads over the persistent loss of silverware in the eight tearooms in the complex.
Research assistant Megan Lim would go out and buy more only to have them vanish again.
"We were bitching about this, when we wondered if there wasn't some way of figuring out where they went," recalls Aitken, whose team usually studies the patterns of infectious diseases, including blood-born viruses.
On the line from his Australian home, he adds: "It started as a joke, but took off from there."
What it became was the "longitudinal cohort study of the displacement of teaspoons in an Australian research institute."
They were looking for a way to use the tools of their trade to measure the phenomenon of the flights of fancy of silver spoons.
"Lacking any guidance from previous researchers, we set out to answer the age old question, 'Where have all the bloody teaspoons gone?'" the paper reads.
Throughout the 140-person complex, Aitken and his team put out 70 discreetly numbered teaspoons and kept careful track of them.
A five-month pilot study was conducted using 32 plain stainless steel teaspoons — all numbered with nail polish.
A main study followed, using a further 54 cheap spoons, along with 16 of much higher quality. For months, their lives were quietly charted and tracked.
In the jargon of researchers, they "observed the teaspoons for a total of 5,668 teaspoon days."
Graphs were created. Models produced. Numbers crunched.
What surprised Aitken, was that by the end they had hard data — even though the conclusions of where the spoons went remain rather flighty.
They found that 80% of the teaspoons vanished during the study. They figured out the half-life of the teaspoons was 81 days, that those left in communal break-rooms was shorter than in private lab areas, that it didn't matter whether the silverware was expensive or cheap and that an estimated 250 spoons would need to be purchased each year to have a constant supply of 70 teaspoons.
"The loss of workplace teaspoons was rapid, showing that their availability, and hence office culture in general, is constantly threatened," the study found.
Aitken and his spoon squad calculated that an estimated 18 million teaspoons go missing in the city of Melbourne each year, and if they were laid end to end, they would run 2,700 km. They would also weigh 360 metric tons, which is equal to the heft of four adult blue whales.
After staff were told of the secret research project — done under their noses — only five missing teaspoons were recovered.
Looking back through history, Aitken couldn't find any previous studies ever done on missing spoons. But his team managed to link the phenomenon to the destruction of open grazing lands. That, when left for anyone to use, ranchers will each take a little more than they should, leaving the commons overgrazed and useless to everyone.
There is also the theory of resistentialism — that objects are in a constant war against their human handlers.
But the researchers proposed an even more speculative theory — that somewhere in the expanse of the cosmos, beyond the stirrings of the Milky Way, there is a home-world to spoons.
"Unattended spoons make their way to this planet, slipping away through space to a world where they enjoy a uniquely spoonoid lifestyle, responding to highly spoon oriented stimuli, and generally leading the spoon equivalent of the good life," the paper suggested.
But they leave behind dysfunctional offices where forks, knives and staplers are used to measure our sugar and instant coffee, Aitken concluded.
The team called on fellow research facilities to — as a top priority — develop better methods of stopping the world-wide vanishing of the spoons.
Though unknown by most people who stir their coffee or tea, Aitken's research into the secret lives of utensils has found an academic life beyond down-under tea cup rattlings. The prestigious British Medical Journal mentioned the study two years ago, and the final data is now used in Africa and in schools in the U.S., as a teaching tool on how to conduct a research project.
And the teaspoons at the institute? Have they finally learned to stay put?
No, says the head researcher on the project. They still go missing at an alarming rate.
But not the last spoon among the many test subjects.
There is now only that single original left. So the team has now framed it.
"It remains," says Aitken, "hung on our tearoom wall."
While your checking, could you see if my forks are in there?
That is funny and explains a whole lot. Thank you!
-PJ
“I want answers about that and why I have more Tupperware lids than bowls.”
Know why I do…On rare occasions I will rest a Tupperware on the stove (the burner) and turn on the wrong burner. End of Tupperware bowl. Hence, an extra lid.
I was not going to share this with anybody, but I weakened.
Why didn’t they RFID them? Then they could have known for sure.
I solved the mystery of the missing socks quite inadvertently one day when I accidentally kicked the dryer cord out of the wall. It kept running. Yep. Dryers don’t really run on electricity. They run on socks.
i've done that... i've also placed a hot plate or pan on top of the Tupperware bowl just to set it down for a second... even though i realize what i've done immediately, it's too late... the rim is melted...
i happen to have the same number of containers and lids, but they don't match each other! i have GLAD lids and DIXIE containers... or DIXIE lids and GLAD containers... at least those are cheaper than Tupperware...
The other day I looked in the floor of the pantry and there stood stacked neatly in the bottom were my latest purchases. The cupboard? Still has the same mismatched lids and container assortment. She does it to piss me off I think.....
Hey! Them Tupperware lids and containers mate for life like a Penguin. When you damage one of ‘em, you gotta euthanize the other one and give them a decent “Glad-bag” burial ceremony.....
There is a 4th dimensional warp between your house and mine, as I have more bowls than lids.
Beat me by a minute...;-)
Usually in our house with the help of our toddler into whatever he has figured out how to open/climb on/crawl under.
Your are correct.
I have never owned any Tupperware products either. I was using it as a “generic” name as one says that one is going to “zerox” something.
It did cross my mind as I used the word “Tupperware.”
You have sharp eyes as most Freepers do.
i just happened to mention the DIXIE and GLAD products because i don’t feel so bad about ruining those since they are not as expensive as Tupperware...
I seem to have this problem with pens at work.
The prestigious British Medical Journal mentioned the study two years ago, and the final data is now used in Africa and in schools in the U.S., as a teaching tool on how to conduct a research project.
-—<>-—<>-—<>-—<>-—<>-—
Amusing study, and amusing comments.
The lids and bowls situation is more baffling to me than the socks situation is, and that is so common as to be subject of myriad sci-fi stories.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.