Posted on 03/19/2008 7:49:16 AM PDT by SmithL
Last week, the highly successful wife of New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer stood by his side "" silent, eyes downcast "" as he confessed his involvement in a sex scandal and resigned from office. Since then, Silda Spitzer, a Harvard-educated former Wall Street attorney, has been under scrutiny. Why did she support the two-timer?
"If my husband cheated on me, I'd tell him to carry on (without me)," says Debbie Hargrave, who lives in Concord and has been married for four years. Her mother-in-law went through it and got a divorce. But Hargrave felt for Silda Spitzer. "She had to stand by him," she says. "It's his career. It's her bread."
The Spitzers are the latest in a chain of publicized indiscretions where the wife not only stays put, but stands by her man: from Hillary Clinton to Wendy Vitter and Kathy Lee Gifford. Public or not, what motivates someone to stay after his or her spouse has an affair?
In her 25 years of research and consulting on extramarital affairs, DearPeggy.com's Peggy Vaughan says as much as 70 percent of people stay in the marriage after infidelity. "Most people think all infidelity ends in divorce, but frequently they (the couple) just keep it quiet," she says.
The common yet judgmental question "Why did she stay?" implies that she shouldn't, Vaughan says. "It's an extra burden for all the women who stay to have to defend themselves to their family and friends. When somebody tells you 'If it were me, I'd "...' you can ignore the rest of the sentence because they aren't you."
She cautions couples from seeking divorce right away. "The people who get out right away second-guess themselves the rest of their lives," says Vaughan, founder of the Beyond Affairs Network and the author of eight books, including "The Monogamy Myth."
Vaughn and other experts say the reasons people stay say a lot about gender differences, and how we approach relationships.
From a young age, women are taught to value relationships, says Ray Campton, an ordained minister and Berkeley marriage and family therapist. Men, he says, are trained to be lone wolves. "A woman may say, 'My pride and principle demand that I leave you, but I'm going to this divine place and I'm going to forgive you, and stay,'" Campton says.
That said, women stay for the "usual" reasons, Vaughan says. If they are stay-at-home moms or make less money than their husbands, they stay for security and the well-being of their children. They also stay for the same reason Hillary said she stayed with Bill: She still loved him and was able to recognize his other qualities, Vaughan says.
"Women are more able to see past it (the affair) and not filter everything about the man through it," she says. "For men, sex is such a critical thing, it (the affair) diminishes their opinion of their wives."
For those who think men don't cheat as much as women, Vaughan says 40 percent of her telephone consulting is with men who are victims of their wives' infidelity. "People just assume that a man will flee, but they don't, and when they stay, they can have a much harder time dealing with it," Vaughan says. In fact, her research indicates that suicidal tendencies following infidelity are higher among male victims than women.
Perhaps that's because men tend to view the world in more rigid constructs, says Scott Haltzman, a Brown University psychiatry professor and author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They're really passionate about rules and agreements," he says. In the past two years, Haltzman has seen more cases of female infidelity than male infidelity in his private practice, he says.
In a chat room on Survivinginfidelity.com, a downtrodden yet hopeful Heftysmurf posts: "I just want to get to the next stage," he writes. "I do not want to sweep it under the rug. I would like to figure out how we should talk and what I can do to regain closeness "... She messed me up for life and needs to own that most of all."
According to Vaughan, men stay for very different reasons than women. If they are fathers, men don't want to give up regular contact with their kids, since, in divorce, custody is often granted to the mother. Many also suffer a significant financial hit if they leave. Alimony and child support can put a damper on lifestyle and starting a new relationship, Vaughan says.
Moreover, she adds, men are more likely to stay because they want to prove that their wives made a mistake in straying.
"They have a natural sense of competitiveness and they don't want to give up what belongs to them," she says.
Ultimately, for both genders, an affair is the "rocking of the boat of their life," Vaughan says. And the shared history can be enough reason to stay in the marriage, pick up the pieces, and come out better and stronger. Even if you never wanted the tragedy to happen in the first place.
"Like any crisis, it's how you use it to rebuild the rest of your life," Vaughan says. "I'm not saying everyone should stay. I'm saying we should respect everyone's reasons and decisions to stay."
Here are steps to rebuilding a marriage after infidelity from Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and founder of the Beyond Affairs Network, an organization of support groups coordinated through www.dearpeggy.com:
n Sever contact with the third party. If necessary, take steps toward changing jobs, schools and cities.
n Be patient. Most people think you can forgive and forget, but rebuilding trust takes time. It is rare to completely recover from the emotional impact in less than two years.
n The person who had the affair must always answer questions from the spouse about the infidelity. It is the willingness to answer questions that diminishes the need to know.
n Don't punish for the answers you get. You asked.
n Commit to responsible honesty. Unlike monogamy, you can monitor honesty that is for the purpose of strengthening a bond and rebuilding trust.
n Marathons don't work. If they are not effective, limit conversations to 30 minutes. Consult a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and affairs.
n Remember, you are a team. Ask yourselves what you need to do for the relationship and the family. It's not just what the person who had the affair needs to do.
You wish to seek higher office yourself?
I think in the esteemed Mrs Spitzer’s case she stays cos he is rich.
I've been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse, I would rather be alone the remainder of my days than ever tolerate that kind of betrayal again.
I behave better and expect better than that.
We all deserve to sleep next to someone we trust.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
We have a winner!
“Why stay with a cheating spouse?
You wish to seek higher office yourself?”
He was resigning - by then everyone knew there was no more higher office.
I wish Silda and her husband well. They need a chance to heal.
Eliot needs more than Silda’s forgiveness, however. His soul is dark. He needs to come to terms with all of what he has done (malicious prosecutions, etc.).
A Conservative's wife would give the politician an ultimatum..either STOP! or get the hell out of MY HOUSE! That's why you see so many conservative figures who've been divorced (Rush Limbaugh, Newtie, Fred Thompson, etc._...they marry women who won't put up with that $hit.
On the other hand, Liberal wives will stay married to their so-called "man" for several reasons-
-Political power and the perks that go with it. They ditch the unfaithful ba$tard, they lose the nice stuff.
-Morally weak. They believe sex is nothing more than glorified aerobics, or a biological function no more important than taking a crap. They refuse to acknowledge that sex is perhaps the greatest gift God gave us to show love to your wife or husband. Ironically, after many lib chicks get used enough after believing the "casual sex" lie, they eventually become fat lesbians, hiding their pain in a mountain of food and man-loathing.
-Women's Liberation. They're trained to believe that they don't have to do a damned thing for their husband 'cause they's "liberated". They're high-maintenance, unsupportive, and self-absorbed, instead of being the loving help-mates God told them to be. Thus, many liberal politicians look to fat interns, or New Jersey Hookers, or State Employees not only for sexual gratification, but for the respect and adoration their wives refuse to give them.
When marital infidelity occurs, like Peggy Vaughan says, trust is almost irrevocably damaged. Conservative wives, if they aren't able to re-build the relationship, will just divorce the unfaithful ba#tard and move on. The Lib-chick wife will soldier on in a life of quiet desperation.
If you are saying that, because you were betrayed by a spouse in the past, you can never trust in anyone’s fidelity again - that’s unfortunate. There are many of us, on FR and elsewhere, who were betrayed in the past but have found it possible later in life to find someone who is, by their actions as well as their words, deserving of our trust. I learned from my past experiences, but I am not a prisoner to them.
Money. Maintain lifestyle. Lots of couples co-exist and do it just fine. Who are we to judge.
I don’t wish evil on anyone, but I can’t wish either of these two well, either. She is a Harvard-trained lawyer who knew full well the extent and nature of his malicious, selective and unethical practices. She was there for the ride to greater and greater power and deserves to share in his comeuppance. The children are another story. I do feel for their situation and wonder whether they aren’t just “props” in the political show. All of which just makes me despise BOTH parents all the more.
Good one.
I take exception to your including Fred Thompson in that list. There was no story published about infidelity. He married at 18 and stayed there for decades until the children were grown and on their own, and was single for years before remarrying. His ex-wife even endorsed him.
I admit I just threw that name in there. I also didn’t include Bob Dole for that very reason. Please don’t invalidate the argument by one minor faux pas.
Just standing by a good man.
Say what you want, she looks like a complete idiot and fool in that picture, to me anyway.
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