Dr. Laura: Women Share Blame for Cheating Men

MSNBC ^ | March 11, 2008 | Mike Celizic

[Cecily]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has never been one to shrink from controversy, and she leaped headlong into one on Monday when she said that if a husband cheats, his wife may share some of the blame.

“When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs,” the popular psychologist and radio personality said.

More commonly known as just “Dr. Laura,” Schlessinger made the remarks while participating in one of several panel discussions on TODAY dealing with the breaking news that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer had been connected to a high-priced prostitution ring.

[IIntense]

Somebody call the Fire Department...quick!!! Post 260 is smokin! Yikes! I feel like a Peeping Tom!

LOL

[gogeo]

Read the rest of my posts, they get even better

I have, and they are very impressive.

Of course, no mature and thoughtful person would read those and think you were any type of resource for relationships. You may get reinforcement from like minded posters but you will not change anyone's mind.

(and I already know you’re attitude about the evil sex) ;)

Well no, you don't seem to at all. I'm amazed at those who apply their own mindset to someone else's circumstances, then claim to be able to read their mind. This type of polarity is a projection of your mindset, not mine. If we truly disagree about anything, it's that I immediately answer what I consider to be mindless man-bashing...you view that as mindless women bashing. It seems to me there are self-evident truths...

Men and women are both subject to the darker side of their human nature. That means that some men are @ssholes...and some women are b!tches from h3ll. Neither gender is superior or more pure than the other...they're just different.

I believe you can't look at a situation that's reported in the paper and know what's going on. If you think you can, you're a fool. In fact, I'd say if anyone thinks they can view a marriage from the outside and know what's going on, they're wrong...there are parts and understandings and trade-offs negotiated in a marrriage that only those in it know; marriages are like snowflakes, unique and therefore irreplaceable.

Husbands and wives have different needs. We each need to try to meet the other's needs and not look down on them because of differences. God made us different, and God be praised.

I think our spouses complete us. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. I don't think most understand the difference.

We become responsible for our spouse's...redemption, if you will. Each of us has hurts and scars from our lives and each of us is responsible for our spouse's well being. I believe grace, extended by each spouse to the other, is an indispensible part of marriage. Being human, we'll all screw up...plenty.

So, the Spitzer affair...(pun intended) he strayed. Biblically, she's entitled to a divorce, but it's not mandatory. I view her actions to this point as being mature and responsible, limiting the damage that this news will do. If she were acting in the best interests of her family, she'd be acting exactly the same; I for one am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I believe it's in her best interests to minimize the impact on her husband. She should not make any decisions at this time, IMO, and should not do something she'll later wish she hadn't. There's plenty of time to hang the SOB, if that's what she decides...and no one should criticize her for waiting to decide.

I frankly have little patience for those who say she's an accomplice. She may be a good hearted person who gave the SOB the benefit of the doubt. She seems to be, so I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Shame on anyone who would do less. This includes some men and mostly women who believe she should have whacked him with a frying pan in front of the press as proof of her non-complicity. That's incredibly childish and immature, and the last thing she needs is to be childish and immature. If you think this scandal would have an effect on their daughters, imagine the effect having her swinging utensils like trailer park trash would have on their self esteem. I think she's being a good role model.

While I don't know the man (and therefore am limited) I think he's a bully and a tyrant, and a person of poor character. I think it's in her best interests to divorce the SOB in a time and manner that suits her interests.

She may not choose to. She may extend grace, which in this case would be giving him a break he doesn't deserve and hasn't earned. I think it would be foolish, but she has the right to decide.

So...does this sound like I view her, or you, as the evil gender?

Regarding Dr. Laura...I have no interest in trying to reason you out of a position you don't hold rationally, as evidenced by your posts. I'll say there's a whole lot of nuance that you won't get from reading an MSNBC report of what happened on the Today show. Read her books, if you dare...or talk to someone who has, and has taken the time and effort to understand.

I understand that both men and women have been wronged (in a general sense.) There are worthless husbands and worthless wives. I don't believe that either gender is automatically wrong...or right. That sets me at odds with feminists, with the family law system, and with societal conventional wisdom.

I have no doubt you have been in a relationship with someone who did not deserve you. I'm truly sorry.

Virtually all the literature on sex drive agrees that men and women are poorly matched. Men tend to peak at 17, while women peak much later. Women, as a rule, tend to not have as strong a sex drive as men do. There are some exceptions to the rule, and the men who marry them are doubly blessed.

I wouldn't be much of a husband if I didn't try to meet my wife's needs, whether I was in the mood or not. Sometimes my wife will need affection (non sexual)when I don't feel it; sometimes she needs to talk and I'm not feeling talkative. Sometimes she's acting childish and I need to be patient and loving, and not tell her to grow up (when I just don't have it in me.) Sometimes she's worried about something and it comes out as nagging. Sometimes I stop what I'm doing to take care of something she's obsessed over. Sometimes I just have to mentally duck when she says something I know would make her cringe if she thought about it...or would be totally upsetting to her if the words had come out of my mouth. It's for the sake and betterment of the marriage.

If I waited until I felt like it, or it met my needs, how often would it happen? It would rarely happen. I do it as a love offering for my wife, because she needs it when she needs it. I don't judge her.

If I didn't meet her needs, I'd be tempting human nature. Were she to have an affair, I would feel responsible if I hadn't met her legitimate needs. Not unreasonable needs, legitimate and reasonable needs. A new Escalade is not a legitimate need, and refusing to be a male girlfriend is not a legitimate need. Needing to talk is a legitimnate need; it's who she is. So, I would naturally ask myself: did I make her vulnerable to an affair because I left a legitimate need unmet?

Men, of course, have different needs. They are just as legitimate, and deserving of respect.

[gogeo]

Would a map and a road flair help?

I'm coachable.

[devolve]

.

Good move!

[Twink]

I’ll check out the link soon but already know the delusions. It was a falsehood and it’s still being crammed down throats today.

No one can have it all. Something suffers. It was ok for Dads to work and spend less time with the kids, they were the primary breadwinner, then Moms were working and spending less time with the kids. Who is raising the kids? We’re a screwed up society when we rely on others/institutions to raise our kids.

[L.N. Smithee]

I agree with some things she says, but I’ve disagreed a lot. I heard her once tell a gal to get over it and don’t be upset her hubby was looking at porn on the internet secretly. I was surprised.

I would be surprised if that was what she actually said. I used to be an avid listener, three hours a day; now, once Rush is done, I listen to Schlessinger a half hour before getting the day's Laura Ingraham podcast.

People have a tendency to misinterpret what Dr. Laura says, as I have illustrated in several FR threads over the years.

[potlatch]

For you, lol!

[L.N. Smithee]

She said on Hannity that women should have sex even when they aren't in the mood sometimes when their husbands are for a couple of reasons.

She said that over ten years ago when I started listening, long before her bestseller The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Women have called and written in and said that once they did it when they didn't want to, they rediscovered what they were missing.

[L.N. Smithee]

Should Laura take the three daughters into account, too, and blame them? She seems to think that men can do no wrong.

That's not what she said or meant. Before going off half-cocked, you may want to watch the podcast @ MSNBC.com.

[Twink]

Excellent post.

[AmericanInTokyo]

In our hopelessly anti-male biased, politically-correct, feminist-steeped American modern culture, the femitocracy in both politics, media, movies, education, you could say THIS:

“When the husband does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make her feel like a woman, to make her feel like a success, to make her feel like his hero, she’s very susceptible to the charm of some other men making her feel what she needs,”

and there would nods left and right, and cheers and "amens" clear up to the rafters, and nobody would think twice about such an observation.

But uh oh, when the shoe is on the other foot.....

[AmericanInTokyo]

Not condoning it, of course, but married to Hilary, one can clearly see how even Monica might have looked attractive, in the passion of the moment. Just sayin.....

[TigersEye]

Excellent post.

[rintense]

And I’d be more concerned about yours if you had the intelligence to realize that Dr. Laura jumped to conclusions FIRST and then, realizing her mistake, tried to remove the foot from her mouth. You are clearly blind to the very irony of the words you post. Thank you and good night.

[MrB]

I’m sure that invalidates her point, if true.

[Ann Archy]

The woman is pretty much the SHERIFF in the family structure. If she’s doing her part, things don’t get out of hand.

[najida]

Like I said,
Deloris Clayborne without the warm fuzzies ;)

[Jet Jaguar]

Reminds me of a tune.

Merle Haggard.

Carolyn let me tell you what I heard about a man today
He didn’t come home from work and he went away
‘Til he came to a city, bright in the nightime like day
There they say he met with some women dressed in yellow and scarlet
Their warm lips like a honeycomb, dripped with honey
And somethin’ about the smell of strange perfume
Made him feel warm, and not alone

Yes Carolyn a man will do that sometimes on his own
And sometimes when he’s lonely
And I believe a man will do that sometimes out of spite
But Carolyn, a man will do that always
When he’s treated bad at home

Yes Carolyn a man will do that sometimes on his own
And sometimes when he’s lonely
And I believe a man will do that sometimes out of spite
But Carolyn, a man will do that always
When he’s treated bad at home

[xzins]

Dr Laura is correct. She said that women share in what’s wrong in their families when something is wrong. It’s also true that men and children share in any aspect of the family environment.

If a husband cheats, then the woman’s share might be any number of things. It might be things she’s condoned or overlooked or refused to do.

If a child is a druggie, then what role have the parents’ played? Some role at some point. They might NEVER have condoned drugs, but they also will have contributed something that, if changed, might have changed the situation. For example, I can’t tell you how many parents refuse to care about education and show the same by their lack of attention to their child’s needs in this area.

Is that a contributing factor to children doing poorly in school? No one would deny it.

The bottom line is that each member of a family affects that family group at some level.

No man is an island entire unto himself.

[Jet Jaguar]

Well put.