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Looking for Mr. Good Enough
Townhall.com ^ | February 28, 2008 | Suzanne Fields

Posted on 02/28/2008 8:28:50 AM PST by Kaslin

Politics and the street fight between Hillary and Barack Obama aren't the only games in town. A bachelor acquaintance of mine, a prosperous man in his 40s, was new in town and wanted to meet the love of his life, to marry, and become a father and citizen (and voter). So, I organized a small cocktail party and invited several attractive women in their late 30s who are still looking for Mr. Right (and might be willing to settle for Mr. Good Enough). They're women with professional careers but want marriage and family, too.

They feel a mild panic that motherhood might pass them by. The single men they meet seem determined to remain bachelors. The men are having too much fun to give up their freedom. This is the dilemma of millions of young women, an "issue" more important to them at the present moment than what to do about health care, tinpots in Tehran or Pyongyang, or the reform of NAFTA. You might hear them mumbling, "No, we can't."

As it turned out, my party was cordial, even mellow, and maybe two or three telephone numbers were exchanged, but it failed. The gentleman didn't meet anyone he wanted to call the next day. Because he had chosen badly in the past he was cautious. "Picky," my grandmother would have called him. Several of the women found him interesting enough, but were not about to make the first move. Some things haven't changed.

My party was ground zero of the phenomenon that worries the demographers (and the more astute polls). Several young women tell me they at first liked the trend toward marrying late, but they never thought it would mean never marrying at all. Now, melancholy has replaced the prospect of marriage and they're terrified they're at the point of no return. A husband and children are still possible for women, even in their 40s, but the fear of fear itself is the more likely prospect. Parents no longer tease them about waiting impatiently for grandchildren. The generations feel the other's pain with the not-so-silent lament: "We're not getting any younger."

Having put careers first while seeking the passionate Mr. Perfect, they've overlooked Mr. Good Enough. This sensibility was captured in a brief encounter on the television show "Sex and the City. " The oh-so-hip Carrie Bradshaw runs into a man she had dumped for the exciting Mr. Perfect, who had subsequently dumped her. The jilted suitor carries his infant son, and the picture is worth a thousand words about the what-ifs.

Lori Gottlieb, a real-life woman of 40, writes in Atlantic magazine about withdrawing the necessary DNA from a sperm bank to give birth without the benefit of a husband. She tells women they should learn from her experience and settle down with Mr. Good Enough instead of going at it alone in a futile search for the man of their fantasies.

This insight comes only a year after she preached in the same pages of Atlantic how it was better to have a baby without a father if a woman couldn't find a man to turn up the heat. Hindsight suggests that the steady glow of a back burner can give simmering satisfaction with a less than perfect husband: "Not only does he contribute financially, help with the dishes, and share in the child care, but as his wife, if you want some companionship or physical intimacy, you don't have to shave your legs, blow-dry your hair apply lipstick. ... "

Of course, such gritty pragmatism isn't exactly a selling point for men. It echoes the depictions of domestic life that Playboy magazine warned bachelors against in the 1950s. The Playboy of today is a beast of a different order, but a bit of a beast nevertheless. He's a young man in his 20s, refusing to grow up, with access to ATMs for instant money to spend on himself. You typically find him in the pages of Maxim magazine with movie heroes such as Ben Stiller, Jim Carey and Will Ferrell, indulging in grossed-out adolescent "Animal House" humor. He's uncultured, uncouth and unkempt, preferring beer to fine wine, skateboards to sports cars and teenage toys to higher status symbols of maturity. Kay Hymowitz calls him the "Child-Man in the Promised Land."

"In 1970, 69 percent of 25-year old and 85 percent of 30-year old white men were married," she writes in City Journal magazine. "In 2000, only 33 percent and 58 percent were [married], respectively." These statistics suggest it will become even more difficult for single young women to find suitable mates in the next decade. That's something Hillary, Barack Obama and John McCain can worry about later as the new demographics affect politics and policies. Never-Never-Land is no longer mere fiction.


TOPICS: Editorial; Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: 2008; children; families; feminazi; feminism; femnist; genderwars; genx; marriage; men; sexes; singles; suzannefields; tradition; trends; womyn
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To: Tax-chick
Exactly. Not only that, but the skateboarder is at least somewhat physically active.

As for the "higher status symbols" I would guess that means the expensive gold wristwatch, imported leather shoes, the always-ready table at trendy downtown hotspots...in other words, trinkets whose sole purpose is to signal to others that you have money to throw around.

141 posted on 02/28/2008 3:47:10 PM PST by timm22 (Think critically)
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To: Lazamataz
I must say I've enjoyed your posts on this thread. :-) It always helps to bring a sense of humor to these discussions.
142 posted on 02/28/2008 3:56:28 PM PST by Glenmerle
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To: najida

Please add me to the evil women ping list.


143 posted on 02/28/2008 3:58:54 PM PST by bradthebuilder (War is peace; Ignorance is strength; Freedom is slavery)
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To: Eye of Unk

God Bless you...I married the first time at 27 to a self centered professional woman, the second time to a professional woman at age 43. The second wife was a wonderful woman that developed bipolar disorder and I lost her...at 55 I am rearing a ten year old daughter alone. It has been very difficult dating this third time around. Once one has had it good in a marriage, its hard to lower the bar.


144 posted on 02/28/2008 3:59:54 PM PST by vetvetdoug (Just when one thinks life is strange, it gets stranger.)
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To: Slapshot68
I may be wrong but at least in my circle of friends and acquaintances it seems when career minded women hit their late 30s and begin looking to settle down, the men in their late 30s have decided they’re going to be bachelors. lol

It's not uncommon. A friend of mine, very handsome and successful, at 50 is still unmarried. He was ready in his 20's, but his girlfriend at the time wanted to find herself

Since then, he found he could get all the female companionship he needed, without need of marriage. At 40+, guys don't want to think about paying kids college tuition at an age then they should be planning their retirement options.

The best time to get a guy is in his mid 20's, before all the good ones are taken. Women who wait til their 30's will either find guys that are too soured by divorce, guys who have discovered that they can get laid without the hassles and obligations of marriage, or guys that are too screwed up to make a good spouse

145 posted on 02/28/2008 4:15:14 PM PST by PapaBear3625
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To: Clemenza
"When God wants to bless you, he sends a woman into your life. When the devil wants to ruin you, he sends a woman into your life." ;-)

In Hebrew Eve was called ezer kenegdo , which can mean either "helpmate" or "opponent." Depends on the character of the female.

146 posted on 02/28/2008 4:16:19 PM PST by MoochPooch (I'm a compassionate cynic.)
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To: Clemenza
"When God wants to bless you, he sends a woman into your life. When the devil wants to ruin you, he sends a woman into your life." ;-)

In Hebrew Eve was called ezer kenegdo , which can mean either "helpmate" or "opponent." Depends on the character of the female.

147 posted on 02/28/2008 4:16:42 PM PST by MoochPooch (I'm a compassionate cynic.)
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To: MoochPooch

Whoops. Posted twice. Sorry.


148 posted on 02/28/2008 4:20:35 PM PST by MoochPooch (I'm a compassionate cynic.)
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To: Tax-chick

Waaaaay better than most of these threads...lighthearted, humorous, engaging and civil. Well done...and if any of you do actually meet...well, I just love happy endings.

:)PaMom


149 posted on 02/28/2008 4:29:49 PM PST by PennsylvaniaMom (Michelle Obama: this seasons Teresa Heinz.)
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To: ladyjane
You guys sound like bitter, damaged goods. Just because you got dumped when you were in high school doesn’t mean all wimmin are evil. LOL.

I'm married 23 years to my first and only wife. But, yes, guys who were scorned in high school by girls who only wanted the quarterback, have an element of Schadenfreude over these high-expectation women reaching the expiration of their shelf-life with little to show for their pickiness.

Because that's who the article is talking about -- the women who felt they were too good to give the time of day to the guys who were actually available, or who used available guys while always on the lookout for the "bigger better deal" (as one of my other single friends puts it)

150 posted on 02/28/2008 4:29:56 PM PST by PapaBear3625
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To: lonevoice; bradthebuilder

You’re both on it!


151 posted on 02/28/2008 4:41:12 PM PST by najida (I am so grateful that stupid isn't contagious.)
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To: najida
S’right, at this point in my life I’m looking for a 20 year old male with excessive stamina and endurance.

They're out there. A friend of mine, when he was a 20-something construction worker in great shape, had a succession of older (30's to 40's) women who let him live with them and were happy to pay the bills. That's the key. As long as you are willing to pay the rent and buy the groceries, there's lots and lots of young, fit guys who would be happy to move in with you. If you want intellectual companionship as well, there's plenty of grad students who would probably enjoy not having to live off their little stipends

152 posted on 02/28/2008 4:57:01 PM PST by PapaBear3625
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To: Lazamataz
I want to marry someday, and I am a good and decent, prosperous man in my 40's. Unfortunately, I am hideous to look at.

That's not what Brandi said the last time you wore out the Playboy Mansion 8-)

153 posted on 02/28/2008 5:01:47 PM PST by PapaBear3625
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To: KC_Conspirator
However, if you really want to get married, you need to sign up for eHarmony.

My niece met her husband there

154 posted on 02/28/2008 5:04:26 PM PST by PapaBear3625
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Ok - I’m a 39 year old male, straight, single, steady job, don’t drink, smoke or run around. Do I like being alone? No! Am I going to get married? Probably not.

God bless the man that can stay married. The last marriages to go the distance in my family were my grandparents. For me, I see a 50% chance it will fall apart before 5 years are up. I am told 80% of foreign wife marriages make the 5 year mark, but I’m not rich or good looking. I see most of the assets, my 401k and the kids (and child support) going to women in a nice divorce, if it is a mean one my right to keep & bear arms is gone too or worse.

I think 50 years ago I would of been married with teen kids by now. Now, it is a suckers bet for a man to get married. Those 30 something women want a man, build a time machine.

I’ll sell you a jug a bitter for a $5 bill.


155 posted on 02/28/2008 5:06:45 PM PST by sbl.htral
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To: PapaBear3625

Believe me, guys in their 20s have discovered they can get laid without the hassles and obligations of marriage.


156 posted on 02/28/2008 5:12:38 PM PST by cammie
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To: Kaslin
The bottom line in this whole is discussion is that as - not only in dating - but in life in general, most people get what they deserve.

Women who adhere to a rigid demand for the Top 5% and hold a laundry list of "deal-breakers" while ignoring a guy who might be a wonderful person but have a few "imperfections" deserve to be alone. And, one day, they will suddenly come to the realization that there are no (gasp!) "perfect men." Too late.

Same goes for the guys. The "why rent the cow" crowd will one day wake up and find themselves in their 40's, balding, paunchy, and undesireable to most American women. But at least they will have their "war stories" of all their drunken nights with the boys and their convertibles and big-screen tv's to keep themselves warm at night. Too late.
157 posted on 02/28/2008 5:12:58 PM PST by Libertarian444
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To: Libertarian444

I think you are right in many respects, but as a woman who does earn a good salary, I have got to say that more than one man has refused to seriously date me because I earned more than he does. I remember being very hurt when a teacher I had gone out with broke it off because he wanted to earn more than the woman in the relationship. That, I think, is something men have to get over.


158 posted on 02/28/2008 5:18:52 PM PST by cammie
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To: Kaslin

Those tattoos above the butt dont help out either, ladies.


159 posted on 02/28/2008 5:20:27 PM PST by BurbankKarl
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To: Slapshot68
it seems when career minded women hit their late 30s and begin looking to settle down, the men in their late 30s have decided they’re going to be bachelors.

No, the men in their late 30s are looking for women in their late 20s.

160 posted on 02/28/2008 5:24:03 PM PST by Jess Kitting
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