Barack Obama announced Thursday he will spend defense budget dollars to create jobs in environmental work. No one dares object. Barack Obama is being treated like such a god that editorial cartoonists are afraid there will be riots if they draw him.
Hillary Clinton stated Tuesday there will be no personal scandal caused by her husband if she's elected president. There goes the last of her support. First she lost the black vote, then she lost the youth vote, and now she has lost the comedians.
Gary Hart told ABC News he blames Democratic party superdelegates for upending his run for the presidency two decades ago. We all remember what really happened to him. Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket, but he couldn't get his pants on.
President Bush held a ceremony honoring Black History Month at the White House Tuesday. He told his guests that nooses and lynchings are nothing to joke about. Last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference, he cut John McCain down just in time.
Hillary Clinton hinted Sunday that Barack Obama was afraid to face her onstage in a new debate. It's true she may be a little too strong. Roger Clemens's trainer recognized her in the U.S. Capitol hallways last week and she was walking away from him.
Fidel Castro resigned unexpectedly as president of Cuba Tuesday. Over the last two years he has suffered from severe gastro-intestinal problems. And everybody thought that when we started shipping him American beef it was a humanitarian gesture.
Michelle Obama started a storm Monday by saying that for the first time in her life she's proud of her country. Reaction wasn't all bad. She got a nice note from John McCain thanking her for the one hundred million dollars he can raise in his sleep now.
The U.S. Navy fired a missile Wednesday to shoot down a satellite the size of a school bus. It was a purely political act. The Republican Party has won seven of the last ten presidential elections by opposing school busing with everything they've got.
Saturday Night Live auditioned comedians Tuesday to find the one who does the funniest Barack Obama impression for the show's sketches. Finding a comedian to impersonate Hillary was simple. Playing a corpse is everybody's first acting job in show business.
Hillary Clinton's campaign manager said Wednesday she will make a much better commander-in-chief than her rivals. She's well schooled in the use of force. How many presidential candidates can honestly say that they have thrown a lamp at an important world leader?
-- Argus Hamilton
Happy President’s Day — or as Mitt Romney calls it, Monday.
Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail. She’s been speaking about Black History Month. She’s been saying, “America’s come so far that today, a black man can grow up and one day be vice president.”
Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So any crying from now on is going to be real.
Happy Black History Month! And if Barack Obama keeps winning, Hillary could be history.
Barack Obama won two more states. That makes 10 in a row. I think the only way Hillary’s going to get into the White House now is if she uses that tunnel Bill dug to sneak out.
Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial.
- - Leno
How about the presidential campaign. Barack Obama and John Edwards got together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama. Although his hair is leaning towards Hillary.
Hillary Clinton is desperate to win in Wisconsin. Today, she was campaigning wearing a cheese pantsuit.
Hillary is worried that Bill will wander off in Texas, so today she had him branded and gelded.
- - Letterman
Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is the man who blocked the Internet in his own country.
Not a great day for Hillary Clinton. She was crushed last night in Wisconsin and Hawaii. Hillary is so desperate, last night she told Bill she’d sleep with him to get his vote.
Hillary says Barack Obama is all about words, not action. But if the Clintons are back are in White House, there will be a whole lot of action going on.
- - Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton is accusing Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech by a Massachusetts governor. She may have a point: The speech was entitled “I love chowda.”
Over the weekend in Ohio, former President Bill Clinton had an angry confrontation with a heckler who claimed at one point Bill Clinton made physical contact. Clinton denied any physical contact, but again, he always does.
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. The biggest surprise is when Castro announced he’s going to retire in Miami.
Good news for Barack Obama. The founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton. Which makes sense, because "BaRocky Road" is a much catchier name than "Pantsuits & Cream."
Yesterday, the founders of Ben & Jerry’s announced they are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. They decided not to endorse Hillary after they realized nobody would buy a flavor called Nutbuster Crunch.
Political experts say this could be huge for McCain because he’s married, and the woman he’s accused of having the relationship is 31 years younger than him. In a related story today, McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton.
- - Conan O'Brien
CATCHING PIGS There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt.
The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime.
In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?" The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."
The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America ... The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc., while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.
One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free lunch and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.
If you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends.
God help you when the gate slams shut.
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NOAH'S NEXT ARK
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'
ULTRA SUPERSIZED
(Thank you, Dan Lacey [faithmouse.com])
(Thank you, No Blue States)
