Posted on 02/14/2008 6:25:05 AM PST by reaganaut1
About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene.
“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).
(Excerpt) Read more at theatlantic.com ...
You are absolutely right.
Yep,
I was far more in love with my last beau than I ever was with anyone-— except for my first hubby. So yeah, I’ve been in pain from losing someone.
Bottom line though, I’d rather be alone with really beautfiul memories of a wonderful past than in a hellacious present with someone.
Fine that’s Your marriage, and you all have the right to have it any way you want to, but in my marriage, I will respect my wife’s opinion (becuase there will be times when she will be right, and I will have respect and trus) all I am saying is that she must respect my leadership and I will defer to her in her strengths as the mother and care taker, and (all I am saying) is that she must respect me as the leader -and not be a feminist. That’s all!
Marry a man who is kind. You can work out the rest.
I call that "Oral Sex". :^)
What a great post.
I can’t identify (yet) with all of it, but I can’t help but acknowledge you have to be largely correct.
That's affirmative. 18 years, here.
We all don’t find the person we can’t live without. I was so lucky to have been able to find her. I still think that is the goal. I wish you well.
Trust me, he can’t live without me anymore ;-)
Standards, ideals, and even fantasies should always be regarded as a framework, not the final build-out of the vision. Hmmm... that analogy would bring new meaning to a "punch list". Ha!
BTW, Women worry just as much, when they see the man they love looking at younger women, even if they are in a magazine or online. And it hurts every bit as much as she wonders what lens she is being viewed with, as well.
But she will write long and elegant paragraphs to explain it away with words of, "that's just how men are, it's natural for them to look." A real woman's pride won't allow her to admit it the dulling pain of it, however.
Old married couples arrive at their future together by way of truce, treaty, detente, and promises.
The love is a given. The details are kinda tricky!
“Some of my friends used to tease me because my list of requirements was so stringent I wasn’t interested in people who met one or two, but not all, of them. They told me I’d never find the guy I was looking for.”
I get tired of that outlook - it’s rampant here on FR, too (can’t you tell?).
We are told to NOT set too high expectations. So what then, we get a bum? How stupid! But I think you got it right:
‘If your “Mr. Right Template” is set up so you don’t settle for Mr. Wrong, then it’s a good thing.’
You’re danged right I included musts and desparate wants: Christian, conservative, not ugly (I’ve only run into this once), likes history of some sort, smart/knowledgeable (they are different things), doesn’t mind dogs, honest, decent family relations, and at least respects my wish to remain genuinely celibate before marriage. I could add but don’t remember all right now!
This last of course, was the real kicker.
I think what you have there is not just competition but the natural impulse to find a protector and provider. The problem is, it gets distorted in our modern society (we are long out of the caves) and there are no mechanisms to short-circuit the grasping for status and wealth.
For instance, a poor woman in Victorian England could not marry a ‘gentleman’ even if she were gorgeous because they were not of the same station and it is doubtful she’d ever learn how to carry herself (though obviously, in real life, many things are possible beyond perception.) Royalty and nobility married royalty and nobility. This both allowed mediocre(looking) women to marry men above their station (in certain cases) but allowed people to mainly focus on their own social class, which meant that while a woman may not want to marry a drunk, she had to ‘settle’ for a certain type of husband.
Now, in our modern free-for-all, men think they deserve Jessica Alba (I do, but that’s because I’m so smart and handsome) and women think they can all land a rich, handsome Senator or professional athlete.
There’s often no cap on expectations, ESPECIALLY as people get a little older.
When I was 18-24 I could get the most beautiful woman of any status (almost) and the vast majority, even the materialistic ones, were still not TOO into status of their mate (though it seems that has changed now, too.) Now? I can be more intelligent, funnier and better looking than my potential mate and I won’t be good enough because I’m not a doctor or someone with that kind of current income (or immediate income potential.)
But that’s just how it is. Have to keep working at it and working at yourself until you cannot be denied and you have the largest possible pool to pick from (and be picked by.)
Yes, I have to agree....the visual senses generate, a hormone called oxytocin, which in turn drives the bonding chemicals, and that produces a mild high....the old adage: love at the first sight, is true
From my own personal experiences with Internet dating...after viewing the photos of prospective ladies, I get a good feeling, when I view a photo of a certain type of women, that I would like to meet....I read somewhere, that men will seek out women, that genetically are the same as the individual man....
Our first 5 years were easy and went by quickly.
I think the key there was sharing completely in the decision-making.
There is much more to looks than hair and size. There is the face, much more important than many admit (including men). Harder to describe, too. And about impossible to change, albeit it does age.
So if you have a reasonable face, you have a chance. ;-)
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