Haven't thought about him in ages. Was he hot or what? In "Lady Sings the Blues" he could melt celluloid.
Posted on 01/29/2008 12:45:47 PM PST by TC Rider
If Gov. Eliot Spitzer thought his illegal immigrant license plan drew heavy opposition, wait until he gets a taste of Billy Dee Williams.
It’s likely Williams will taste bitter, too, since he, once a famous actor and malt liquor spokesman, was cast off as a has-been nearly 20 years ago. In fact, after landing an almost insignificant role in Tim Burton’s Batman in 1989, many thought he would never get serious work again.
That was before Spitzer announced this week a plan to raise taxes on malt liquor as a source of revenue – $15 million worth in the next year, to be exact – to help offset state spending in his 2008-09 Executive Budget.
Now Williams, famous in the 1970s and 80s for his roles in movies like Brian’s Song, Mahogany, Star Wars V and Star Wars VI, has been called back into the spotlight; this time to resurrect arguably his most recognizable gig as spokesman for Colt 45, the world’s most popular malt beverage. His mission: Defend the smooth-tasting 40-ounce from the governor’s bitter tax plan.
Already, Williams is said be shooting a series of embarrassing political television ads coming out against the governor and the malt liquor tax. In one of the spots, set to air as Albany budget battles heat-up in the coming months, an inside source says Williams and a Spitzer look-a-like are surrounded by beautiful women in a bar as they both sip tall, sweating cans of Colt 45 while Billy Dee tells the girls, “I just told him: Look baby, you can cut up the budget anyway you want, as long as you don’t stab my Colt 45.”
Company officials are hoping the approach “works every time,” which has been the long-standing slogan for Colt 45. The same one Billy Dee made synonymous with classy-yet-low-cost booze that gets you drunk fast and cheap.
Under Spitzer’s plan, malt liquor will still get you drunk fast – it is a scientific fact that no person, regardless of size or tolerance, can stay sober after consuming two 40-ounce malt beverages – but for not as cheap.
Colt 45, being one of the more expensive malt brands at around $2 per forty-ounce, has the most to lose if its prices go up an estimated $.79 because of taxes.
“I’m already breaking the bank to enjoy the distinct taste of Colt 45,” admitted Chad, a self-proclaimed “Colt 45 man.” “If the price goes up any higher, I’ll have to switch to Silver Thunder or Steel Reserve. It’s not like I’d want to. But if I kept slugging Colt at those prices, I’d be living way beyond my means (in a pop-up behind my sister’s) and that would just be irresponsible.”
However, even if the ad campaign fails and Spitzer’s tax is implemented, company marketing experts are confident that reviving Williams’ smoothness should still expand Colt 45’s market-share to include really-poor consumers, making up for the loss of the painfully-poor consumers who will be forced to get bent on less-expensive brands.
And it shouldn’t take long for most people to re-associate Williams with Colt 45. For nearly two decades he stood as the face of the product, much like singer Pat Boone was the face of Chevrolet in the 1950s and 60s (In fact, Williams is often referred to as “The Pat Boone of Malt Liquor”).
On a related side note: Farm lobbyists are pushing for a tax exemption on malt liquor much like the one that exists for diesel. They argue that if malt liquor – which can run tractors and other equipment at a better fuel economy than diesel – is used strictly for farm operations and not drank, farmers shouldn’t have to pay the governor’s new, higher tax.
McGuire’s column is largely fiction and mostly rubbish. It appears each Thursday. Furthermore, he’s a weirdo and no one should believe a word he writes, or even bother to take him seriously (that is if you can figure out what he’s talking about).
“I’m already breaking the bank to enjoy the distinct taste of Colt 45,” admitted Chad, a self-proclaimed “Colt 45 man.” “If the price goes up any higher, I’ll have to switch to Silver Thunder or Steel Reserve. It’s not like I’d want to. But if I kept slugging Colt at those prices, I’d be living way beyond my means (in a pop-up behind my sister’s) and that would just be irresponsible.”
Comments like that leave no room for your humble satirist to operate. Every ounce of comedic potential has already been wrung out of this situation, by Chad himself.
If your malt liquor tastes nasty, it’s not cold enough, or you’re expectations are too high.
“Malt liquor tastes nasty” is roughly the same as “Thunderbird’s bouquet is too coy.”
Don’t you know that Chad has to blow off a little steam after selling those cell phones all day for Altel.
Remember “Cold Cock” from SNL:
Spokesman: You know, when I entertain, occasionally my friends and I like to discuss just what is the best malt licquor.
Girl #1: I say Bull.
Girl #2:I say Cobra.
Spokesman: And I say it’s all just talk. Unless it’s the one they call.. Coldcock.
[ cut to Man at Party standing near piano ]
Man at Party: There’s only one malt liquor that’ll get your head humming.
Spokesman: [ enters ] Coldcock’s the one you’ll never see coming. [ opens can and hands it to the Man at Party ]
[ Man at Party sips Coldcock, then holds it in front of him. Suddenly, an animated arm jumps off of the can and punches the Man in the chin ]
Man at Party: [ reeling ] Pro-per!
Partygoers: [ whispery ] Coldcock!
Spokesman: I have yet to meet the man that can finish a whole Coldcock can.
Woman at Party: [ steps forward ] I ain’t afraid of no can of beer! Give me one! [ sips the malt liquor ] Mmm.. Coldcock.. [ the arm jumps off the can and socks her in the jaw ] Ooh..! You one malt liquor picker!
Spokesman: Like I said - it’s all just talk, unless it’s the one they call Coldcock. [ takes a sip of his own, then flinches upon expecting the punch. He smiles at his own cunning, as the arm finally jumps off the can and punches him hard across his chin ] Fan-tas-tic.. [ slowly drops to the floor ]
Announcer: Coldcock. You never see it coming.
Spokesman: [ raises head up from the floor ] Damn. That’s one strong malt liquor. [ drops his head to the floor again ]
The best malt liquor
Molson Brador....made in canada. Brador is better than Moslon beer.
Ah, there was nothing like sauntering up to the checkout counter to pay for your $1.25 40oz bottle of Old English 800 with a pocketful of nickles, dimes and quarters.
“...should still expand Colt 45’s market-share to include really-poor consumers, making up for the loss of the painfully-poor consumers who will be forced to get bent on less-expensive brands.”
Nothing quite like objective reporting.
Brador was better than Extra Stock. But Labatt’s Extra Stock gave you a 0.3% alcohol bonus. It might not sound like a lot, but in the long run . . . .
According to the disclaimer at the bottom of the article, the author is known for a lot of things, but not objective reporting.
” All I know is that Colt 45 is wonderful at room temp on an early Summer morning. Lovin’ it for over 30 years. “
I don’t drink Colt 45 ( here in Japan ) ...but I can dig the room temperature on an early summer morning scenario ...You are a man after my own heart ! Cheers !
Oh Yeah!
Haven't thought about him in ages. Was he hot or what? In "Lady Sings the Blues" he could melt celluloid.
"It is the Powerrrrrrrr!"
I fell in love with when I saw Brian’s Song.
Not as good as F’ed Up Malt Liquor!
I like Blue up to a point but could never stomach the Extra Stock. Like Brador and can’t stomach Molson Canadian or Golden.
Always preferred Brador and Player’s Navy Cut with an AR-15 ;-)
Or paying for it, like Dude, with a personal check.
Cool. I thought maybe I was alone in that predilection.
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