Posted on 01/20/2008 9:42:43 PM PST by Bear_Slayer
Now obviously I can't speak for every male, but I feel qualified to speak in general terms.
This is aimed at the married woman, but is applicable to the woman that is involved in a long term relationship.
Learn these things and you might get your relationship to last. Ignore them at your peril.
1. He is not your zit. Stop picking at him.
Women love to pick at zits. They'll sneak up on you while you're shaving and start squeezing. It's an annoying habit they can't break. They also do this emotionally and intellectually. This is done when they ask us silly questions like:
"Do you love me because you need me, our need me because you love me?"
The fact is we love you and need you. Beyond that, we have no idea. Some invisible rock hit us in the head one day and we realized we can't live without you, until you drive us insane, then we can't live with you.
Similar questions are along the lines of, "Do these pants make my butt look big?"
The fact is, you have a big butt and your butt makes those pants look big. Another fact: we don't care. When the invisiable rock hit us, it didn't clue us in that you had a big butt; it simply made us aware of the fact, "Girl nice. Me like girl, lot."
I knew a woman once that had a big butt. She wasn't even the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, but the invisible rock was huge and I would have crawled through broken glass to be with her if she were single.
You have a big butt. Get over it. If you are constantly aware of your own big butt, you will make us constantly aware of it and you don't want that.
2. It's ok for him to compare you to his mother, as in, "That's not how my mother does it."
The fact is our mother is the only significant woman that ever loved us, until you came along. She fed, bathed, dress, nurtured, encouraged and loved us -- and we like how our mom made our potatos, cookies, &etc. Don't change the recipe. We like it that way. There is nothing Freudian about it.
3. Don't expect a deep relationship and don't try to draw us into meaningful conversations.
We're not comfortable exploring our inner feelings. Most guys don't trust their feelings and the smarter ones recognize that its their feelings that got them into the relationship in the first place.
Do you want a meaningful relationship? Go sip lattes with your friends and explore each other's cavernous feelings. It's a level you can all relate to and prop one another up.
4. Don't trust everything your girlfriend tells you.
Just because they read it in Redbook or Ms. does not make it so. Those magazines are written by women, for women, that grew up on Danielle Steele.
And don't ask us. We don't know and we're not that complicated anyways. If you simply watch us, without over-analyzing you'll figure us out. At a basic level we eat, we sleep, we copulate, and we play sports. Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily at different times.
5. You don't always have to be talking.
Men can communicate through subtle mechanisms. It's how we know when a woman likes us, or when the guy across the bar is looking for a fight, etc.
6. Don't make us carry you through life.
We're trying to get through it also. We'll be happy to stand in front and take some of the blows, but listen, carry your own baggage. We got our own to deal with.
Lastly,
When the big rock hit us, it really didn't matter what you looked like on the outside. Love is blind. We fell in love with the way your eyes twinkle when you smile. When you giggle when we say something silly or funny. And yes, even the way your breasts look in that tight sweater. However, none of that will matter ever again if you screw it up by driving us insane.
Sheesh!
I don't know, I'm thinking about a couple of hundred different things. Which nanosecond were you inquiring about?
depending on which one, it could be, why does the intake gasket on my truck have to start leaking now; the DVR I want to build; and what parts I'll need, LED lighting project; my sick parent; job, economy, money, stock market; screwy politics and the upcoming elections, and gee you're right, your butt does look big in those pants. It's called parallel processing sweetie. And you probably don't really want to know.
You really shouldn’t be going out with your mother.
Someone’s in trouble.
Hey man when is the last time you got laid?
she needs another inch on her heels..... ;^)
You realize all those guys are gay? Prolly spent the last hour oiling each other up. And all those roids make the equipment shrink.
2) Pay attention to how you look....he was first attracted to you over that and it never lets up.
3) Share the same goals and place your personal ambitions under the needs of your union together...this applies to him too.
4) Keep sex hot and act like you really desire him. Unless he’s an arse, he’ll reciprocate. I cannot emphasize this enough. One day you’ll be old and this will slow down but meanwhile, get on it.
5) Make sure you’re compatible in number 4
6) Show you can be maternal...not for him....don’t marry a man needing his coddling mommy, but show you can be nurture the kids he’ll probably want to make with you
7) Take something for PMS...Xanax, Jack Daniels...something
8) Let him tell you what you need to do to resolve the problems you must constantly “vent” about....this is a major disconnect tween men and women
9) Find a church...it helps...it’s hard to explain...and it doesn’t make sex less adventurous...that’s a myth
10) Try not to be jealous...don’t be a fool but keep a perspective, men cannot help but look
anyhow...that’s my fiddy years...I love girls
Sure, what the heck.
My blood pressure has been running low lately.
You're right. They are probably homosexuals.
What month is this?
TO MEN-
1. If we are crying for NO APPARENT REASON, just leave us the heck alone. Women (especially in their mid 30’s and older), sometimes need a good cry. It is hormonal.
2. If you said or did something mean or insensitive, chances are that YOU are the reason for the crying.
Don’t blame it OUR hormones.
3. For Pete’s sake, put the toilet seat down. Nuff said.
4. Don’t argue about stupid sh!t. Nobody cares which way the TP comes off the roller.
5. Don’t stand next to the stove, holding your beer and question the way we cook. If none of the past meals have made you gag, then chances are good that we know what we are doing. Offer some witty conversation, chop the vegetables and set the table. Help with the dishes and you may get a really nice dessert later.
6. You ARE the grill master!
7. Offer to help me make the bed every morning. It takes 1 minute and will make me very happy.
8. Put your (shoes, socks, whatever) back in the closet where you got it. Don’t leave it lying around for me to pick up after you. I have enough crap to pick up after the kids.
9. Take the initiative to empty the garbage, sweep the floor, run the vaccum. Don’t wait to be asked.
10. You CAN afford new underwear! Please get rid of those holey things.
11. SHAVE! That “fu-man-chu” stabs us whenever you kiss us.
12. Leave all your “smelly hunting crap” outside or in the garage or man-cave.
13. Flowers for no apparent reason are MUCH appreciated. Don’t wait until you have screwed up and made us cry to give us flowers! Flowers won’t diffuse a bad situation.
14. Please remove your “chest hairs or pubes” from the soap after showering. Thanks.
15. Give me the freaking remote for a change!
16. I care as much about football as you care about figure skating.
Loved #7!
since I get up after my wife who gets up and does the baby and gets the others ready for school first, I do make the bed 6 days a week except housekeeper day
My wife has always stressed how important it is to tell the truth.
One fine summer evening years ago while we were sitting on the patio watching the sunset, with the steaks on the grill and birds chirping in the trees, she asked me what I was thinking.
Trying to be the good husband, I told her the truth. I said that I was thinking about what style of chrome rims I wanted to get for my big ol’ 4X4 truck.
I was in the dog house for years after that!
I don’t know if anybody posted this. Apologies if it has been posted here. I got this in my email today - and thought maybe one of the posters here might see some truth in it:
****
Why Women Cry
A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m a woman,” she told him.
“I don’t understand,” he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”
Later the little boy asked his father,
“Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”
“All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God.
When God got on the phone,
he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?”
God said: “When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort,
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when
everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue with out complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to
stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”
“You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her
eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart -
the place where love resides.”
I had to read your post a few times before realizing your mistake.
See?! That's because you must be a man. Difficult to see what my mistake was without very careful consideration of the female species.
P.S. I love your tag line!
Don't do it men. She'll think you're cheating or extremely guilty for something. Flowers should only be given on designated flower giving days.
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