Posted on 12/10/2007 5:10:30 PM PST by writer33
Columbia, S.C.—With bickering and tensions rising in the Republican Party, a Mitt Romney nomination could force Evangelical Christians to call for a South Carolina secession from the Union. That simple call for secession could result in a following by other southern states, leading to a domino effect that could result in another bloody Civil War.
For most Republican Presidential candidates, a missionary past would be an asset. Having spent two years in mission work after high school is a sign of early reverence for God, commitment to the Judeo-Christian ethic, and strength of character to take to the Oval Office.
However, for Evangelicals, Mitt Romney’s clean-cut appearance represents so many missionaries knocking on their doors in the middle of their dinner.
“Mormons are scary,” stated Lisa Round, a 34-year old waitress at Columbia’s famous restaurant, Grits and Such. “Whenever they knocked on my door, I’d meet them there with my bible and my snakes.”
Mormons represent only a fraction of the 2.1 billion Christians worldwide. Nevertheless there are many Evangelical Christians who foresee a Mormon tidal wave, picturing Governor Romney riding its crest with the book of Mormon in one hand and the power of the Executive Branch in the other hand.
“Mormons say they’re Christians,” fired Marvin Smith, a 44-year old accountant from Charleston. “Let Romney come down here and I’ll show him what a real Christian is like! I’ve never trusted Mormons and I never will!”
The start of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints began in upstate New York 180 years ago. Missionaries have been spreading the message that Christianity lost its way and Mormonism restores the Christian church to its rightful path.
The first prophet of Mormonism, Joseph Smith, told the other churches where they could stick it. He was later killed by snakes at the hands of an Evangelical mob, brewing a religious battle that has lasted for nearly two centuries.
Today, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has more than 12 million members. Over 5 million of those members are American, less than fifty percent. Internationally, about 70 percent of Mormons are converts, cultivated through television ads, hotel rooms and missionaries.
“His candidacy alone has been a long infomercial for the Mormon cult,” said Bill Keller, an evangelist in Florida who runs an Internet prayer network. “As president he’s going to carry the influence of that office, not just here but worldwide. We’ll be forced to endure men with multiple wives, the Book of Mormon in every classroom, and the forcing of millions of Americans to join the Mormon cult.”
“In the 1840’s we immediately responded in kind and accused Mormonism of being Satanic and inspired by the devil,” cried Dr. Mouw, President of Fuller Theological Seminary. “And if the Mormons think that anything has changed today, they need to think again. I know their television commercials are sending subliminal messages. Do you think I’m a fool?”
Still, there remains a complex brew of fear, ignorance and hostility about Mormonism. Despite Romney’s speech, many Evangelical Christians are readying their gun racks, bibles and snakes for all out war. They, according to Dr. Mouw, “mean to finish what Romney started.”
“I’m cleaning my double barrel shotgun,” warned Jerry Crackbow, a 62-year old Pentecostal member. “If he comes down here to South Carolina with a majority of delegates, we’ll give him a southern welcome he’ll never forget!”
“I can’t choose between Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee,” said a confused Ed Johnson, a 38-year old Catholic lawyer in Dallas, Texas. “The last thing I want is a card carrying member of the Mormon cult, or a bible-thumping, proselytizing minister for President. That’s why I’m voting for Thompson. At least I know he doesn’t even go to church. The last thing we need is a President that’s a member of any church. Religion and politics don’t mix. Just ask the Founding Fathers.”
As the battle for a theocracy continues, many conservatives will see it as a grown-up Mormon missionary versus Southern Baptist preacher, ending in what may be the biggest bloodbath in American history.
Ping!
LOL. Good stuff.
The Evangelicals have got to lose to Hillary before they will become reasonable. Voting for someone because he’s a Christian is nonsense.
Ha! The best way to help a religion to expand is to suppress it. Anyone who’s more frightened of the of the Mormons than the commielibs has a screw loose.
There is no specific dividing line between “Dixie” and the Southwest. But when this issue comes up, I can see I am not in Dixie. I grew up thinking of LDS as the folks down the street.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.
Absoutely! That's Brilliant! :-)
xxxxxxxxxxx Perceptive Analysis by Chris Davis
Absolutely! That's Brilliant! :-)
We'll try it right this time. :-)
Hell of a finale!
One wife is more than enough trouble. More than one is gluttony for punishment! ;>)
Stir'n the pot again, huh?
Of course. I wouldn't expect you to think any other way.
But I really do not think that Mitt’s big drop in the poll numbers is attributable this issue. Everyone knew he was a Mormon when his poll numbers were up, too. "Religious descrimintaion" is an easy fall back, but disingenuous. It’s Romney's record that’s catching up to him and soon the same will happen to Huckabee.
Now that's funny! And painfully true in some places!
Thanks for reading, ST. Glad you enjoyed it.
Glad you enjoyed it, NYT. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.
That's because it's satire
LOL. . .and brilliant! Think the head of the nail is spinning ;^). . .
Personally wish, Mitt could give up the jelled hair; I want to see him 'unpampered'. . .want to see hair, au naturel.
Think we could all relax, just a little easier; if Mitt's hair would just let us. Might be better able to pay attention to what he says as well.
That said; Mitt is surely the best candidate. . .just don't know that he is the 'winning candidate'.
He needs just a 'little 'Fred' in him. . .
Satires are usually over the top. Excellent point as well.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.
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