Today's Toons 8/13/07

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

John Edwards called on Democrats to refuse money from Fox News chairman Rupert Murdoch but forgot that he himself got an eight hundred thousand dollar book advance from him. The thought of giving back the money made John Edwards's hair stand on end. Two Beverly Hills barbers had to be flown in by helicopter to stare it back down.

Barack Obama told a crowd Thursday he would not use nuclear weapons if he were president. Last week he said he would meet with enemy dictators who despise the United States. Barack Obama's campaign theme song is Why Can't We Be Friends in French.

The Secret Service caught a Hispanic man jumping the White House fence Sunday. It was the standard drill. The moment he was over the fence they gave him welfare benefits, health care, education for his kids, a subsidized apartment, and a bus pass.

John Edwards criticized Bill Clinton Monday for letting corporate contributions shape the NAFTA agreement. He added that American jobs don't pay enough to live on anymore. There's no denying that a rupee doesn't go nearly as far as it used to go.

Hillary Clinton fired back at critics Monday and announced she will never stop taking money from lobbyists. It explains the wardrobe change. You'd show cleavage too if you had to battle the Washington D.C. madam for lobbyist contributions every day.

Elizabeth Edwards claimed Tuesday her husband is running third among Democrats because he's not a woman and he's not black. She can't lose hope. There are surgeons in San Francisco who can make him Queen Latifah if he wants the nomination that badly.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech Tuesday demanding federal penalties on predatory lenders. She made a huge mistake going after predators. Her husband won't speak to her, she lost the Catholic vote, and the bank called in her home loan in Chappaqua.

Hillary Clinton announced Tuesday she will work an eight-hour shift as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital next week. She's going to wear a white nurse's uniform. If she doesn't keep her husband interested, the scandals are sure to ruin her candidacy.

-- Argus Hamilton

Hillary Clinton was chastised by the Washington Post for showing too much cleavage in front of the Senate. Isn’t this ridiculous! Shouldn’t we be focusing on Iraq, not her rack?

Yesterday, former Arkansas state representative, a man named Jim Bob Duggar, and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pullout.

The ex-wife of former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man.

A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain.

Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, he said it was like being back in Malibu.

Another presidential debate last night. It did not do well in the ratings. In fact, you know the two Americans John Edwards is always talking about? Neither one of them was watching last night.

Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney say they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there . . . if he can get a ride.

It was so hot in North Carolina; even John Edwards had a bad hair day.

- - Leno

Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.

Latest from the presidential campaign: Hillary Clinton says she’s going to reach out to healthcare employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, "Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.”

A gay rights group sponsored a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates to discuss gay issues. Dennis Kucinich might be getting a little desperate — he showed up wearing all leather.

The results of President’s Bush’s annual physical were released yesterday. It revealed that last year President Bush got a rash from a tick bite. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "A rash from a tick bite? I’ll have to remember that one.”

- - Conan

Seven of the Democratic candidates are here tonight for yet another debate. They have a debate on Logo, which is a TV channel for gays and lesbians. They did a nice job of presenting it. [Announcer: "Live — from fabulously cheeky Los Angeles, it’s the first annual gay debate!]
[Announcer: "Featuring seven Democratic presidential candidates — three of them hot!”]
[Announcer: "Moderated by Liza Minnelli!"]
[Announcer: "With music by Madonna! Brought to you by Zima . . . and moisturizer!"]

- - Kimmel

The other night a friend and I watched a movie called, "Flags of our Fathers".

During the movie, I pointed out the radio broadcast of "Tokyo Rose".

During World War II, the Japanese wanted to find a way to demoralize the American forces.

Psychological warfare experts developed a message they felt would work.

They gave the script to their famous radio broadcaster "Tokyo Rose", who always had the best music on her station, so lots of GIs would be sure to listen.

And every day she would broadcast the same message, packaged in different ways.

The Japanese hoped it would have a negative impact on American GI's morale.

What was that demoralizing message? It had three main points:

1. Your President is lying to you.

2. This war is illegal.

3. You cannot win the war.

Does this sound at all familiar?

It should, because today we are being bombarded by Tokyo Hillary, Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo Nancy, Tokyo Kerry, Tokyo Edwards, Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo Dean, Tokyo Jimmy Carter, etc.

They have picked up the same demoralizing message and are broadcasting it via Tokyo CNN, Tokyo ABC, Tokyo CBS, Tokyo NBC, etc., to our troops.

The only difference is that they claim to support our troops before they demoralize them.

Come to think of it, Tokyo Rose told the troops that she was on their side too.

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Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded.

Katie Couric said, “Well, I’m a Southerner, so I’d like one last plate of fried chicken.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Charlie Gibson said, “I’m living in New York , so I’d like to hear the song “The Moon and New York City “ one last time.” The terrorist’s leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Brian Williams said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine. “What?” asked the leader. “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?”

“What!?” replied the Marine, “and have you three idiots report that I was the aggressor?”

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Europeans heighten threat levels
(Reuters: London , July 9, 2007, 0905 GMT)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Great Orators of the Democratic Party

"One man with courage makes a majority."--attributed to Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here."--Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."--John F. Kennedy

"This scares me politically. There is no anger that comes close to the anger of an American that cannot get television."--Sen. Claire McCaskill

SUPERSIZED

(Thank you, Prime Choice)

(Thank you, arbooz)

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