Posted on 03/14/2007 10:01:50 PM PDT by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
225. Back in that day and age you were very likely to get your head chopped off.
224. Spartan women were hot.
223. It's OK to beat up a kid if you are a Spartan.
222. You won't find it in a history book, but Xerxes hung out with some really odd people.
221. When invading an island pick the worst spot to land and just go with it.
220. Never stand next to a well when talking to a Spartan.
219. Being selected as an Oracle really, really sucks.
218. If a Spartan bows to you...better beware because some shiznit is about to go down.
217. Xerxes's women had some nice "jewelry"
216. Its cool to wear chains on your face.
215. Never anger a hunchback or he might turn his rather large back on you.
214. If you are morbidly obese with razor sharp blades for arms you will always have a job.
213. If you throw a spear it will impale someone, no matter how far away they are
212. If you're going to be a traitor, don't walk around with the other guy's money.
211. It's not madness, it's Sparta!
210. Spartans enjoy stealing sets from their favorite movie "Gladiator".
209. If you don't have anything new to say, shout a lot. People will be just as impressed.
208. Just because you're 8-foot tall doesn't mean you can't have a feminine side.
207. Sometimes a cliff is the best form of birth control.
206. Shoot the messenger. It's cheaper than paying postage.
205. If you're twelve feet tall, there's a good chance you're the ruler of Persia.
204. Dead Persians make great wall mortar.
203. If you make a tree out of dead bodies, you're going to piss off Leonidas.
202. Sparta will always bring more warriors than you. ALWAYS.
201. If you're building a stone fence and run out of mortar, you don't really have to run down to Home Depot to find some filler.
200. Even though the events of this film happened 2500 years ago, conservatives and liberals will still try to use examples from the film to bash each other.
199. If you are a Spartan without facial hair, you will get decapitated.
198. Never underestimate the power of a spear and a shield.
197. Elephants and rhinos are useless against Spartans
196. Stelios is more than likely part monkey
195. Spartans love to talk about their Phalanx, yet never fight in it.
194. Spartans love being naked. (oh with the exception of rubber underwear)
193. There are way too many fanboys who are willing to kill you if you say "disappointed" or "not up to expectation."
192. When Xerxes says he's kind, take it with a grain of salt. Unless you find villager-corpse trees kitschy, in a Martha Stewart kind-of-a-way.
191. Xerxes is over 10 feet tall
190. If you are tall enough, you can get stabbed in the eye and be perfectly fine.
189. If something happens to one of your eyes, don't worry; the gods were kind enough to give you a spare.
188. Those who call themselves Immortals don't usually live up to their name.
187. Spartan children all have shaved heads
186. You don't need a bow-flex machine to be a Spartan!
185. Everyone has a great body, except for one unfortunate soul who gets stuck looking like 'The Thing'.
184. Don't mess with the Spartan Queens.
183. No mater what happens in a movie, Idiots will always claim that it supports their world view (if they are conservative) or is right wing propaganda (if they are liberal)
182. One spear to a rhino's face will take it down easily.
181. Don't try and scare Spartans with talk of blocking out the sun. They'll just fight in the shade.
180. A movie packed with mindless violence and no plot will attract an enormous fan base of thoughtless zombies.
179. Your son will most likely get killed in a battle
178. The Athenians were boy-lovers
177. Watching ships crash is an equivalent of watching your team score.
176. Spartans don't say "Love"
175. Its okay to kill a retarded baby
174. Only Spartan women give birth to real men
173. If you want to get out of a battle, be a good story-teller. Go ahead and loose an eye for good measure
172 . If something's not over quickly, you're not going to enjoy it.
171. Gollum and Faramir have a lot of explaining to do.
170. When your arm is cut off, it no longer belongs to you.
169. If you wear the tooth necklace, never give it up. If you do, you're screwed.
168. You kill a lot more people when you fight in slo-mo
167. That know matter how many arrows you're hit with you never get hit in the head.
166. The guy with the least muscle definition will be the first to lose his head.
165. "I love you, Sloth." "I love you, Chunk!"
164. It's REALLY cold in Sparta (based on the nip-o-meter).
163. Spartans are bad ass.
162. Persians are bad ass
161. Iif you see a spartan, don't head towards the nearest cliff
160. There's no reason we can't be civil about this
159. Don't allow a spartan see his son decapitated, it only pisses him off more
158. A spear to the head will kill a rhino but not a 10 ft tall man restrained by chains
157. Greek wolves have glowing eyes.
156. Be sure to eat a hearty breakfast if you are planning to dine in hell later that evening.
155. Sex with politicians does not end quickly nor is it enjoyable.
154. Politicians never get it their way
153. If you stand in the back row of a CGI army you can still hear the king's pep talk.
152. Wars are always turf wars and the defenders will always be heroic even if they become the aggressors in the next one.
151. It's not cheating if you're pressed against a wall
150. Contrary to popular belief, black Persians can't fly
149. Murdering a senator in front of the entire senate is ok as long as he has a lot of coins from another country
148. Retarded traitors with humps on their back can buy wizard hats
147. Apparently Greeks spoke with English Accents.
146. Just because you're covered in chains doesn't mean you're eyebrows can't be waxed.
145. Elephants were apparently 10x their size back then.
144. You can use people as stairs if you call yourself a God.
143. Bringing huge elephants close to a cliff is not a good idea, gravity takes over.
142. If you're horribly deformed, a wizard's hat makes all the difference.
141. "Freedom isn't free..."
140. It totally sucks to be the prettiest girl on the block.
139. Ringling Bros. would have had a field day with the people back then.
138. Everyone in the village can fit on a tree.
137. The Ephors live ostracized on top of a mountain and bang all the hottest Spartan chicks, but they still want gold. Even though they don't go anywhere to spend it. Because deep-down, Ephors are greedy bastards.
136. When your head gets cut off you are still standing
135. Just because a man gets his eyebrows waxed doesn't make him gay.
134. Dead bodies make awesome walls
133. Every morning, a Spartan soldier must go through an intense 5 hour ab workout.
132. The Immortals stole their masks from the set of "The Last Samurai"
131. Persian prostitutes are always deformed.
130. It was ok to beat your son back in the day as long as you helped him back up.
129. Never attempt the stunts you saw in this movie, especially if your wearing tight pants.
128. Never piss off a Spartan queen, especially if their is a sword or a knife within 5 feet of her distance.
127. Xerxes really looked like that Indian character from Street Fighter.
126. Scary masks, while looking cool, still don't save you from decapitation. Although they do hide your butt ugly face you have under there.
125. A couple billion men can't push over three hundred, nor defeat them by any means, if it's in a small passage.
124. Master Chief doesn't have *beep* on these guys.
123. Some of the posters here are not patient enough to read all that is written on this thread and repeat the same things sometimes.
122. When you kill 300 Spartans, 10,000 will take their place
121. A lot of the Persians are really Arabs and Africans
120. Immortals are really shy about their deformed face, so they wear metal masks
119. Turn your back on a Persian god and you will get a massage
118. Even god-kings bleed
117. Whenever fighting large wolves run for a crevice
116. Guys with humps get laid too.
115. Dominic West can swing it as a bad-ass cop and a corrupt politician
114. Rock-hard abs are the key to winning any military campaign.
113. Make sure to dodge extra quickly if you have facial piercings whenever a spear is thrown at your head.
112. For guys: waxing off all your body hair and lightly oiling your torso is “manly”.
111. Spartan queens have seemingly large nipples.
110. To be the King of Persia you need the following: facial piercings, two pounds of make-up applied daily, a forte for torture, and sexual confusion.
109. To be the King of Sparta you need the following: a British accent, cobblestone abs, child-abuse, and a complete disregard for life and logic.
108. When you fight Spartans in battle, the only things they will cut off are your head and a leg.
107. What we did not learn is what those Persians feed their giant people
106. Even though you've already lost some men, you should still count your army as 300 for the sake of the movie's title.
105. I guess that "heavy" shield and "stifling" helmet kept you alive.
104. It is not wise to approach the politician with the apparent ulterior motive as your ally when facing the council.
103. When a husband touches your body, he is being "distant".
102. Emissaries sometimes look far more frightening than the actual King-- thick facial hair from the nose and all.
101. When you give birth to a girl, pray she's ugly.
100. Spartans are the godfathers of guitar rock.
99. Spartans don't like knick-knacks.
98. David Lynch gets all his character studies from the Persians.
97. People in Sparta had excellent dental care.
96. Bedsheets and togas are interchangeable.
95. Can you lower your voice?
94. No matter how much blood projects, spills, spurts, or dribbles out of a person's body, no matter how many people die from spear wounds, sword thrusts, axe throws, and other messy sorts of grievous bodily harm done by pointy sharp things, NOT ONE DROP OF BLOOD WILL EVER HIT THE GROUND. EVER.
93. When a hunchback wants to fight Persians, let him.
92. The world now knows that a few stood against many.
91. The mere mention of Sparta was not erased from the history books.
90. When a group of Spartans approach a burning city, a dying child will approach them.
89. Persians have the advantage in numbers.
88.. Spartans have the advantage of slow motion.
87. If your half-naked, stand in a way your junk doesn't show between your legs
86. Never take advice from a drunk, naked, adolescent girl
85. Thermopylae is the place where Spartans fight and, subsequently, others die.
84. Arrows had a lot farther range back in ancient Greece.
83. There's no reason Spartans can't be civil OR talk with their mouths full.
82. Do NOT keep a stockpile of rudimentary grenades close when you have a lit one in your hand and death is imminent.
81. Shields must defend from thigh to neck. If it does not then... well, ask the Captain's son.
80. A Spartan with one eye is more likely to look back than a free-Greek with two.
79. Everything in Ancient Greece had kind of a coppery-sepia tint, including the sky.
78. Wells in Sparta don't have any railings or fencing.
77. Spartans don't mind having dead people rot in their wells.
76. History would've been different if Leonidas didn't get that cramp
75. Spartan kings used to eat apples during breaks between battles
74. Jack Bauer is related to Leonidas
73. Never say, "I'm only the messenger" to a Spartan.
72. It was the Spartan Beard that makes Jay Leno infamous.
71. Spartan spears have blades on each end that automatically retract when you stomp the weapon repeatedly against the floor
70. Spartans have Top Notch Insurance, Persians got the cheapest Dental HMO
69. Spartans bring only one apple to battle, and the King gets to eat it.
68. Persians invented body carving
67. In those times, plastic surgeons would have made tons of money
66. Spartans dug their wells really, really, really, really, but REALLY really deep
65. Karl Rove MUST be behind all this!
64. Spartan kids dressed like Ghandi
63. Do not go see this movie in a theater with a balcony. You will be so pumped on adrenaline afterwards you're just going to want to leap off it...preferably onto someone
62. Apples are the chosen snack for Spartan kings after battle
61. We loudly realized that "THIS IS SPARTA"
60. Even while under the attack of thousands of arrows, Spartan soldiers will joke about fighting in the shade
59. Leonidas yells only because his adrenaline is always rushing from all the damn exercise he must do
58. Spartan soldiers can fly when it comes to cutting off the arm of the messenger that is trying to whip them
57. No matter how many Persians are killed, and the blood of those Persians goes flying in the camera shot, not only will the blood never touch the ground, but it will never get on a single Spartan soldier. NEVER
56. Blood is not exempt from slow motion, when in Sparta.
55. On Spartan soldiers' abdomens, there are twice as many muscles as on any other human being.
54. You can fight with only a handful of casualties for three days, but when there are archers standing on the mountains behind you, not shooting, everyone dies in 30 seconds.
53. When an oracle is getting ready to make a prophecy, she thinks she is on stage at a strip club.
52. Leonidas was reincarnated as Attila the Hun and pretty much started acting like Xerxes.
51. Spartan women don't wear undergarments.
50. Spartan men wear next to nothing.
49. This movie will be a box-office hit for the opening weekend.
48. Persian women have butterfaces while Greek women are petite and hate retard babies
47. Thousands of years before Gold's gym, there lived a race of mascara wearing, steroid-pumped bodybuilders who ran around in leather jock straps with long, shiny weapons. THESE WERE SPARTANS!
46. Fifty-year-old Spartans look at least fifteen years younger and are very hot
45. All you need is a narrow canyon corridor to win a battle back in the old ages.
44. It is easy to kill a big wolf; you just need a cliff valley and a spear
43. Persian people are the same as the monsters from Lord of the Rings
42. When fighting a small group of Spartans, do so only in small waves with plenty of time in between; this gives the Spartan warriors a chance to rest and recuperate for the next battle
41. When a spear is thrown at you from a distance of 30 yards just stand perfectly still it will only scrape your mouth
40. The key to battlefield success is being really loud
39. Losing your helmet and shield will increase your ability to accurately throw spears
38. Whenever a traitor is killed, it is necessary to chant "TRAITOR TRAITOR TRAITOR" to make sure everyone knows
37. Blood squirts out like confetti and wont stick to anything
36. Those shiny Samurai masks look cool but just like The Predator or Jason the face underneath the mask is really ugly
35. Spartans liked having a beach body, but they thought working out their legs was a waste of time
34. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT WHITE HORSE COME FROM THAT CUT OFF CAPTAIN'S SON'S HEAD???
33. It is yummy to eat an apple
32. It is a chore to kill off the Persian soldiers after you wound them
31. BOOM! HEAD SHOT!
30. Spartans do not need to eat to survive...unless you're the King and you eat 1 (one) apple.
29. Spartan males can survive barefoot in the snow without getting frostbite.
28. Hiding most of your body underneath a shield while the enemy tries to kill you is very very funny.
27. Spartan men go tanning, shave their chests and are always glistening. I wonder how bad their tan lines are?
26. Getting all those piercings didn't hurt but the moment a spear scratches Xerxes face he freaks out.
25. Xerxes should have put his long fingernails to use in battle.
24. Giving someone a tooth on a necklace is the same as saying "I love you"
23. Spartans can fly when they really want to kill someone.
22. Not sure how "Immortals" got their name since they die with one slash, whereas it takes many spears through the torso or 20 arrows to kill a Spartan. Heck, if you're a Spartan, even your head can be cut off and you'll still be standing.
21. If you haven't seen it, just watch the preview, it gives away most of the good parts
20. In spite of being completely different cultures quite aways apart geographically, both Persia and Greece had English as their native language.
19. In the midst of a battle is not a good time to be proud of your son's incredible fighting prowess, unless you want his head chopped off by a lone axeman on a horse
18. Always wear your helmet so that when 10 foot cave trolls slice your face with a sword, you'll only get a light scratch over your left eye
17. Being crushed by a towering wall of dead Persians won't kill you, but the 300 Spartans behind it will.
16. Spartans do not need a red cape to fly through the air
15. Women of Sparta do not tie yellow ribbons around columns.
14. Spartan politicians fancy the Amish beard look.
13. 2500 years later, the Persians are still mad.
12. Contrary to what the fashion designer said on "The Incredibles", capes to not kill superheroes, arrows do.
10. It's not illegal to beat your son, in fact, it's expected.
9. Spartans invented the 8-pack.
8. Contrary to popular belief, Greek men have zero body hair.
7. Spartan soldiers are taller than their peasant comrade
6. Arrows don't kill people... Spartans kill people... unless, of course, you're a Spartan, in which case arrows kill lots of people.
5. God-kings and Spartans never get cold and hence their lack of clothes. Apparently Spartan boys don't get cold either during winter.
4. Emissaries are the first to die, ALWAYS.
3. Don't pick fights with the Spartans
2. The rock-hard abs of the Spartans were deemed an adequate substitute for a total lack of armor despite all the considerable evidence to the contrary.
1. White horses are magical and will allow their Spartan-decapitating rider to vanish with it into thin air, all while in front of a crowd. Amazing.
Actually, it's more like 225 things you can learn. Have fun! :)
Mod, please fix title to say "225" things. Thanks :)
That said, give me 300 more!
Yeah, it took me a few hours to edit and paste the whole list. It was just too funny to ignore. The average guy is must funnier than any Hollywood comedy writer!
WOW I didn't know Bush or Karl Rove has ancentor fighting in Persia
Haha, yeah. I was pleasantly surprised that the imdb.com thread didn't devolve into a bash Bush diatribe. The list is so funny.
Does anybody know how to make the title say 225 things instead of 100 things?
About #86 Why Not???
LOL I guess it depends on the situation, eh?
Oh one more thing...... Scouts Out!
Elephants and rhinos are useless against Spartans
Hey, no dissing Republicans now!
PS: I think Jack Bauer was a Spartan in a previous life.
LOL. After all the serious debate about this movie in the forum, I really needed a laugh. Thanks for this :)
No kidding! This is the ultimate popcorn movie. It's a nice break from all the kiddie cartoons that seem to dominate the box office the past few years.
I did 15 years ago! Well, almost. haha
If you ask a Spartan to lay down his weapon, he'll tell you to come & get it.
The Boogey Man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris checks under his bed for LEONIDAS!
If you have a good, logical reason for not letting someone fight in your army, don't waste time explaining it to him. He's going to turn traitor anyway.
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