Posted on 02/13/2007 7:16:45 AM PST by presidio9
AMONG ITS other negatives, Valentine's Day has now been shown by thoughtful scientific research to cause global warming.
I knew it.
Environmentalists in Britain are mad that the flowers British women get for Valentine's Day are usually flown in to the country, typically as far as 33,800 miles, before reaching their destination.
I have no idea where they got that number, which I admit sounds far-fetched.
But I read it on the Drudge Report, which got the story from London's Telegraph newspaper, which proves it's true.
The problem is, apparently, that Britain is cold in the winter, which makes it hard to grow flowers. As a result, 94,000 tons of flowers have traveled from the Netherlands to Britain during the past three years, with an additional 17,000 tons coming from Africa.
That's a lot of plant-related frequent-flier miles. It also represents a lot of burned airplane fuel, which puts harmful emissions into the atmosphere, which causes global warming. Which means we'll have to go on suffering as Al Gore shows up at award shows, looking slightly less loose than the animatronic Mr. Johnson from Disneyland's old "Mission to Mars" ride.
So, in the name of Al Gore and British people who hate being cold, I'd like to propose we eliminate Valentine's Day. Let's boycott it and save the planet together.
Killing off Valentine's Day would also help stop men from the time-consuming and painful process of thinking up new ways to sound sincere when they hand over a big pink, heart-shaped box of artery-clogging, tooth-decaying, fatty acids.
"Happy Valentine's Day, honey ... this package is a sign of not only my deep and true love, but an indicator that I don't think you're fat. At least not as fat as you think you are. In fact, if we lived in Britain, where it's too cold to grow flowers this time of year, that extra layer would give you a better chance of surviving until spring."
I think I just solved the mystery of why there's an excellent chance I'll be spending this Valentine's Day with a remote control and a bag of Cheetos. Even if we factor out the scientifically proven fact that Valentine's Day causes global warming, hay fever, divorce, conflict in the Middle East and tooth decay, it should be banned just because it's so confusing.
For example, my daughter has to give a valentine to each and every other member of her preschool. Which is cute for us adults to watch and all, but is ultimately confusing to the children, as it promotes the idea that everybody is supposed to like everybody else. Or at the very least, be nice to everyone else. Which is about as un-American an idea as I've ever heard.
If you men out there have any choice in this gift-giving process, do the right thing and don't promote global warming and tooth decay.
Do something you both can enjoy. Try a new and exciting gift -- an all-expense-paid trip for two to baseball's spring training. That'll get her heart racing. Or season tickets. Or purchase a meat-grilling kitchen appliance to help her whip up new and exotic culinary treats for the both of you.
Those with smaller budgets can go bowling on Valentine's Day. Nothing says "I love you" more than the high-pitched concussion of heavy round balls striking pins. Or buy her a copy of her favorite action movie. If she doesn't have a favorite, buy her a copy of your favorite action movie. She'll learn to love it.
Or not. See you at my place next Valentine's Day. You bring the meat-grilling machine. I'll bring the Cheetos.
This is seriously getting out of hand. These Global Warming nuts are loonier than... I don't know what to compare them to. Maybe DUmmies?
Yes, but the flowers are not all in the same place, so they have to make more than one stop...
Hearts and flowers ping!
"Or buy her a copy of her favorite action movie."
Bull Durham!
Susan Sarandon? No thanks.
Susie and her man, no. Kevin Costner, yum!
Susan Sarandon is annoying at best. I like Costner a lot better now that he's had some humility forced on him. I actually met him before Waterworld (which I actually enjoyed) and I thought he was a complete ass.
I liked Waterworld and The Postman. Most actors are asinine.
Agreed, but Saranwrap takes it the Sean Penn/Danny Glover/Jessica Lang levels.
I'll try to think of my current situation (no romance, not even a kind word) as saving the world from ruin then. ack.
See my homepage.
I know that music. The Wilson girl. I even have the Raitt. Very a propos.
Yeah, i play it when i'm feeling weak. Like every half hour.
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