Posted on 01/09/2007 3:03:21 PM PST by presidio9
If you think you’re the only parent struggling to rear an unruly child destined to become a careless member of the society, think again. Almost one-third of parents believe their disciplining styles are ineffective.
In a survey of more than 2,000 parents of children between the ages of 2 and 11, researchers for the first time examined four common ways of disciplining kids —“time-outs,” removal of privileges, yelling and spanking.
More than 45 percent of the parents reported using time-outs as a disciplinary action. Almost 42 percent removed their child’s privileges, followed by 13 percent who resorted to yelling and 9 percent who opted to spank their children, the researchers report in the January issue of the journal Clinical Pediatrics.
Almost 31 percent of participants reported they believed their methods were not effective, and more than 38 percent were using the same discipline methods their own parents used on them as a child.
“There was actually an inverse relationship between self-reports of yelling at children and perceived effectiveness of discipline,” said lead study author Shari Barkin, a physician at the Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt. “But we strongly suspect that both yelling and spanking might be underreported, because we know when parents perceive their methods are not working, as one-third reported, then emotions can quickly escalate,” she said.
Barkin and colleagues think pediatricians should address discipline when parents bring their children to the doctor’s office for visits.
“Discipline is a central element of what parents do every day, and it’s important to develop systems to support parents so that they can apply positive parenting to improve outcomes in children,” Barkin told LiveScience.com.
“In this study, we altered the manner in which we asked families about discipline," she explained. "This created a shared dialogue rather than a lecture."
Just one of the many reasons my child will never attend a public school... children who do that in the school we send our child to, are politely asked to never return.
That's one of the perhaps five times I did spank mine and shout into his face -- "NEVER do that again! NEVER run into the street without looking both ways!"
For cryin' out loud, I just posted "the Look." It's not an all-fronts endorsement of Dr. Rice in all circumstances. Have a good day!
That is part of the problem. But an even bigger reason that 'kids just don't listen to their parents anymore' is that more and more 'kids' simply don't care what their parents say or do.
I see this especially with children who were put in day care before they entered school.
Day care not only exposes children to truly awful behavior committed by other children --behavior they quickly learn to imitate.
More importantly, day care deprives both child and parents of the bonding that normally takes place when the pre-school child spends most of his time at home with momma ... rather than in a dreary institutional setting, where adult authority is either diffuse or non-existent.
The kid who doesn't bond --because he's spent most of his early life in day care-- doesn't much fear losing his parents' love and approval with his bad behavior.
Dear the OlLine Rebel,
"You sound like you've done real well. I congratulate you."
Thanks.
"Now, while you agree that spanking isn't abuse, your whole implication seems to be that it should never be done. Which sort of contradicts your statements that it's OK."
Not quite. I'd say, it shouldn't be done if it's not necessary.
And my view is that whether it's necessary will vary from family to family.
It IS an open question in my mind as to how often it's necessary. I wonder whether perhaps the necessity of spanking has more to do with particular parents, usually, or with particular children.
Here's what I mean. We didn't have children until we were well into our 30s. By the time our first guy was born, I'd been around the block a couple of times. I was already kinda mellowed out, and also already had nearly 10 years experience of running my own business, and learning how to deal with unruly... employees.
I'd learned to distinguish between where discipline is really needed, and where I'm just enforcing my idiosyncratic personal preferences. I'd learned to motivate human beings through positive means. By the time I had my first son, I had a lot more self-confidence than when I was 25. I was also a lot less rigid about a lot of stuff.
By the time I got to be a dad, I'd become a rather imposing person. Folks often do what I tell 'em just because I tell 'em.
If we'd have had kids when I was, say, 25, I'm not sure I'd have been able to get by without an occasional swat on the butt.
But that's about me, not about my kids.
"I'm saying, as you have seen, that it should be READY TO USE, included in the arsenal, as an option."
I don't have a problem with that at all. In fact, read closely what I've written. My efforts were to see if I could forgo the use of spanking, I never foreswore it.
What I said to myself, and my wife, was, "Let's see if we can do this without hitting. If it doesn't work, we can always give 'em a swat on the butt."
But, I just never have had to do it.
However, this tells me that the methods and techniques that I used, which entirely avoided any sort of hitting, were highly effective and successful. You have posted that they aren't.
"I am absolutely convinced it DOES work,..."
I'm not convinced that there are many children who need to be even occasionally spanked, hit, slapped, or smacked. I think it has to do more with the parenting ability of the parent. The greater the skills, the less likely that spanking will be needed.
My hunch (only my hunch) is that it is a subpar disciplinary technique, although one on which some parents may need to rely because, well, it's what they've got.
I think it's easier to get discipline right with spanking, but I think it may be more effective if you can do it right without.
sitetest
I expect that may be so, although I thought that "bonding" took place mostly in the first year. But I guess some babies are at day care all day long, and maybe start going in that critical first year, because both parents have to work.
Another, related problem is presumably broken families, divorces and remarriages, and all that kind of pattern, so there is bonding that gets broken or betrayed. The step parents can be decent and well meaning, but it's not the same kind of reliable world for the child to grow up in.
I'm sure YOU back her up though when she has to discipline them, right? That's an important part of discipline. Parents need to agree and not fight about the discipline in front of their kids (who are masters at manipulation--smile). Sounds like you have a treasure therer.
Your mother sounds like me! I love buying gifts. We never had allowances either back in the 40s and 50s. My parents didn't earn a whole lot of money but we got along fine. Of course, I had a grandmother who spoiled me...
Exactly so! Sounds like Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union, doesn't it?
Your post #150 said it all.
I had the look, too, and backed it up with a smack to the 'seat' of the problem. I had three sons and they pretty well minded. It was AFTER they left the house and got married...I won't go into that but they were good kids.
Interesting! My mother is a dear, really (although she is good at grudges), and pretty much an outgoing party girl. Sort of the ideal hostess, if you will - good at listening, engaging people, etc, as well as laughing alot. The "gift thing" just seems to come naturally from that!
Mom will get me 15 gifts (even now) and meanwhile, I have hardly anything. I tell her not to do that; it makes me feel bad! Of course she says that's not the point and she's not counting - but still! I should say, she did this even LONG ago when she was working all the time! How do you have the time or ideas, much less the money?
As a result, though, Christmas is wonderful - which true to her Bavarian roots, is "extremely important"! (As it was to her mother, who also had Christmas stuff everywhere and gave everyone something - 19 grandchildren!) I wish I had all that energy.
BTW, I'm an "'80s Child", GenX, but as I said my family didn't do allowances, nor "rewards" for good grades. It was simply expected as a natural ("you won't get blatant rewards all the time in real life" - very true). We might get a gift of money for Xmas/BDay. I don't know if that was common in your day or not. But I remember even as a youngster wondering why some of my friends or others got money for grades; even then I was rather....appalled! Not envious; I thought it was strange! ;-D
One problem MAY be that some kids know that they can yell to school officials about the "abuse" and parents are afraid they will get the kids taken away. When ours were young, we told them that if they thought they could do that then we give them something to really tell. LOLL We never had much trouble with ours.
Your so right, a parent must be consistent, its the key to being effective.
Now I have to gouge my eyes out and soak my brain in bleach. Thanks a lot.
Thank you. Seriously, I think the thing about discipline is that there is no "one right answer" that applies across the board to every child. Each child is different. Some children can be disciplined with a look, others a loss of privileges (if it is serious and done correctly), others with a spanking. It depends on the child, the parent, how the parent applies the punishment, the age of the child, a number of factors.
Ditto! LOL!! But it's getting better. Or he's getting better at what not to tell me!
No, I understand ya...(I was just replying to Pesidio's post, specifically)
One of mine became a Bahai (after divorcing his first wife and then later marrying again), another is back on track with God, and the third is mad at God for stupid decisions he's made. So one out of three ain't bad and momma's wearing out her knees on the other two. They're still good kids, hard working, etc. but just making stupid decisions. All have been divorced and remarried.
My dad used to give me a little money for E's that I got, and I did well in school so it was a bit profitable. We didn't get money for doing chores. My mother loved Christmas, always had parties for us on our birthdays. She liked to party as well and had a good sense of humor. She was from Norway and going through pictures and scanning them into my computer, I can see that she had good friends, a loving family, and liked to laugh. I'm glad I'm doing this for my family. Mxxx
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