Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
My God, how could someone hate a little BABY?
Someone needs to call CPS - this is a case where the parents would probably give the baby up willingly. I'm just shocked that anyone would think speak about a child - anyone's child, but especially their own - that way. This is truly repugnant. She's repulsed by a baby? I'm repulsed by *her*.
I really don't know if this woman's husband "can't stand the baby" either; methinks she may be excusing her own behavior by saying her husband feels the same way as she does. Of course, that is just my opinion...
Wow, nelly. First of all, I was once a young lady who swore I didn't want children. But then my husband and I did become pregnant and we were so happy we probably drove folks crazy with our joy. LOL
This woman is not alone in her feelings for her child. I didn't experience that, but I've read enough to know that it does happen. Should she have had her tubes tied BEFORE she even knew how she would react? I think she is hormonal, and with counseling, love and support, she'll be just fine. Of course one worries about the baby, but if she is reaching out, she's already realizing that she needs help. God bless her and help her in her time of need, and God keep the baby safe.
To call her an "idiot" is....well, cruel and totally without compassion, IMO.
Many doctors won't perform a tubal on a 26 year old woman without children- they are afraid the woman will change her mind and sue the doctor.
It sounds like she's going to kill the little girl if someone doesn't intervene."
Not "sounds like".She is going to kill the little girl if
someone doesn't get her out of there.
The letter to Abby is a cry for help and part of her alibi.
I agree. Guys aren't the most understanding durning these times either. I think she's scared of this baby. She needs her mother.
You are probably right in your assessment - however, our culture has raised so many people to consider children a "burden" and a liability, it is becoming more common for some folks to truly hate children, (their own and other people's children as well). I'm just not sure how we are supposed to react any more to such vehement verbal attacks of parent to about their own children.
Part of me wants to offer her counseling and a break - the other part of me wants to cry for the hard-heartedness of this world.
I have known at least three people in my life who had severe post-partum depression; my mother was one. So I know all too well the terrible turmoil a family can experience when baby does not "fit in" with the mother's plans... but I still have a very hard time accepting such a public display of hatred for a little baby.
I think that's what bothers me the most - it's an angry rant directed at an innocent baby, and it's as if the mother has no idea that this is truly WRONG to hate a baby so...
I read this today too. I didnt like Abby's advice. I think she needs to get help ASAP and that the child should be placed with family or foster care. I don't know if it is true the father can't stand the baby but until he can get back here and deal with all of this, that baby needs to be away from the mother. I wonder if any of her friends, family or neighbors are aware of this woman's hatred for her baby. Prayers for this poor baby.
I would take the baby and I know a lot of other people who would, too. I planned my first two babies and the third one was a "surprise". The best little surprise present I ever got from Heaven. His name means Gift From God. He is grown now. Our mothers and grandmothers didn't have the luxury of planning their families. They didn't have the pill, etc. They just got married and had babies. My great grandfather had 16! Eight with his first wife and eight more with his second wife. Good thing the bitch in the article didn't live back then. She could have had 20 kids to hate. My three adult children are my joy in life.
Good. Then let them be arrested. At least then someone with a clear head will intervene in what is potentially a dangerous situation for that baby.
And it took us 8 years to get the first child, we were in our 30s, thought we couldn't have children. Our children are such treasures. And that is how children should feel about themselves, that they are treasures to their parents. My parents never wanted three daughters, which is what they got, and trust me, it would be better to let them be adopted, if they are not wanted. Life is hell when you are not wanted. I am 55 and my mother still tells me she didn't want me, certainly not another winter baby, and most certainly NOT ANOTHER GIRL. I hear this every time I see her.
This sounds like a horribly spoiled woman who does deserve the title of adult.
NOT deserve the title of adult
Yes, she needs her mother, and she needs counseling and support. She's reaching out for help. That's the first step, and an important one that some are overlooking.
That's key. You have no idea what the father thinks. You only have what an obviously twisted person has told you. He may love the baby dearly, but she thinks he doesn't love her becasue he isn't there. The "If he loved her he would come home" line of thinking. Don't tar him until you hear it from him.
I think the man should get a divorce and keep the baby himself.
Well, although public, it is anonymous, so it not like the baby is going to know how her mother feels- unless she keeps the baby in order to keep up appearances, in order to show what a wonderful person she is. I bet the husband wants to keep the baby because of family pressure and "what would the neighbors think?". How many children would be saved from horrific childhood if only their parents had admitted that they weren't cut out to be parents.
I bet there are more women (and men) out there like the writer then we would like to think, and instead of the right thing being done by the parents the children suffer.
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