Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2006 Results

San Jose State English Dept. ^ | 7/11/6 | Atrocious Writers

[bwteim]

Thanks. MinuteGal's image was quite something! Got me going;)

Stop by and bump the Freepathon! You know you ought to....

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[Skooz]

bump

[bwteim]

The gems are in the details of these Bulwer-Lytton paragraphs, as in your "3:00 AM stool watch".

That must be what the moderators on Dee You feel like
;)

[LexBaird]

Aww. Mine didn't make it. Here's what I entered:

"I had paused at the door of Pollack's Diner to pick the kraut from my teeth and brush off the cracker crumbs, flip the butt of my fag to the gutter, and light another Camel, jockeying the match which I had struck on the wet back of the matchbook to ignite, to consider the info that Mick Limey had been so niggardly with (not spilling it for the usual sawbuck greaser, but so I wouldn't give his square head a wop), information that gave me a chink in the case but made me froggy and gave me the heebies, when suddenly it struck me that if I wanted to nip in the bud the Sensitivity Trainer serial slayings, I was going to have to quit playing defense, and become totally offensive."

[Darnright]

You forgot,

"His brow dripping with Global Warming induced sweat, Algore ventured alone out of his double-wide southern mansion wiping the remains of Tipper's yogurt-laden kiss off his love-bit lower lip into the dark and stormy night rife with dark, pollution-laden clouds hanging low over his head like Rosie O'Donnell's pendulous mammaries......."

There, that's more realistic.

[speedy]

Haha. My idea of cruel and unusual punishment would be to have to read the complete works of Henry James and Fenimore Cooper. Bulwer-Lytton would be a relief after that.

[ZGuy]

I like yours more than most of the ones that won.

[martin_fierro]

"Marty LOLed like the head of a drunken man..."

Thanks for the Ping!

[talleyman]

LOL - thanks!

[Billthedrill]

Many thanks. Writing that bad is truly an art form. A bad art form, but an art form. BTT.

[don-o]

Ping (if I'm logged in) and read later

[MinuteGal]

An excellent improvement that makes my entry truly more realistic.......but you forgot the sweat beads recoil alert!

Leni

[Lazamataz]

Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking.

All of these are funny but this was my favorite.

[Lazamataz]

Abandoned as an infant on a liferaft like a lone sardine in a diet coke (because dead sardines float), Laz furiously fished, paddled, and sighed by moonlight and sunlight (but only occasionally at twilight because that was his time of rest) and when at the age of 17 he saw his first helicopter he fired the semiautomatic repeating flare gun so that it spelled, in the sky for the helicopter pilot Jake Murfeld who was on his very first piloting mssion ever, to see:

Please put me on the ping list

[MarineBrat]

There's a Bulwer-Lytton ping list? I gotta be on that! ... please.

[MarineBrat]

Spur of the moment try #1) - Bob Throckchester, ex-lmberjack exstraordinaire, felt a wave of confusion as he absent-mindedly filled boxes at the Hersheys chocolate factory where he worked with his friend Mort Busterbottom at the end of the assembly line, because while he knew that Mort was a certified fudge packer, he wasn't too sure of himself.

[badgerlandjim]

Thanks for the ping. These are always a real joy!!

[Robert A Cook PE]

Taken from the story itself, THIS sentence would be a competitor,

"Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "pursuit of the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

[Xenalyte]

Good Lord above. That's a jaw-mangler.

[ErnBatavia]

We used to see a comedian on HBO who dressed like a Sam Spade style detective (Drudge-esque fedora, etc)who spoke that way in his act.

One of my favorites was "She had a body that could evacuate a monastery", or it's derivative "She had a body that'd make the Bishop kick in the stained glass windows".