Posted on 05/13/2006 1:22:06 PM PDT by Digital Disaster
May 13, 2006
Berkeley, California
Scooter's hamster, "Jumpy" died this week and Scoot's been taking it pretty hard. He came over drunk the other night and dragged me into a long, deep discussion on Heaven, Hell, and the meaning of life. He was obviously seeking assurance that Jumpy was in Heaven. I guess I shouldn't have told him Jumpy went to Hell because he pooped all over the coffee table, or made those sizzling noises and "hamster screams" like he was burning up, as Scooter got real hysterical and fell to his knees begging God to rescue Jumpy. I finally told him I was just kidding and lied that I had dreamed Jumpy was in a big gold hamster wheel in the clouds. It seemed to give Scooter some relief, and he got up and finally went home.
A couple of days later Scooter and another guy rode up to my house on bicycles. They were dressed in black slacks, crisp white shirts, ties, and goofy helmets. When I came to the door, Scooter handed me a bunch of literature and started rambling about "The Prophet," "gold tablets" and other crazy stuff. Oh crap, Scooter had turned into a Mormon! Great. I had his little friend wait on the porch while I invited Scooter inside so I could see how bad this situation was.
Brother Scooter showed me the weird one-piece underwear he had to wear. He told me how he had found true peace in his life, and how, after he died, he would become a king over his own planet in the "Celestial Kingdom." He said he knew he wanted to become a Mormon when they told him how they baptize the dead so the deceased can go to Heaven. As you might guess, the first thing Scooter did was baptize little dead Jumpy so he could go to, as he put it, "The Animal Planet" in the Celestial Kingdom. I didn't have the heart to tell cultist Scooter that "Animal Planet" is a TV show and not a celestial place.
Everything turned out okay, as the Mormons soon excommunicated Scooter after finding out about the baptized hamster and his excessive pot smoking. He tie-dyed the holy underwear and came away with a really cool swimsuit, so all was not lost.
Humor? I thought humor was supposed to funny.
It's weak and lame and it also smells.
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