If this is an example of the typical 'modern' American man-eater...err...I mean 'woman'...it's no wonder they're saying "no thanks" and heading for tropical climes.
Posted on 04/25/2006 6:38:23 AM PDT by Cincinatus' Wife
Twenty-five years ago, most men in the Tampa Bay area married by age 35. But since 1980, the number of never-married men 35 to 55 has jumped sevenfold.
ST. PETERSBURG - On the eve of his 50th birthday, Robert Mendenhall was trying to decide whether to spend the big day with someone new or with his ex-girlfriend. She had held his interest the longest: eight months.
Mendenhall, who works in regional sales for a roofing and window company, hangs out with half a dozen never-married men in their late 40s and early 50s. They are successful at their jobs, keep themselves in good shape and spend a lot of time traversing Tampa's social network. Mendenhall said he surmises they gravitate toward each other because none of them have kids and they like to go out on the town.
Most of them would like to find someone.
"I wanted to get married but the right one never came along," said Mendenhall, who decided to go out with his ex-girlfriend for his birthday. "It could be me, I guess if I analyzed it hard enough. But I think I've left the door open every night."
Twenty-five years ago in Tampa Bay, there were 8,500 never-married men age 35 to 54; now there are more than 57,000. There are 33 percent fewer never-married women in this age range.
"A large number of older people who have never been married are starting to appear on the scene," said Jodi DeLuca, a psychologist and relationship expert from Tampa. "It's not as much as the divorced, but they're in their late 30s and 40s and they've never been married. And if you question them why they think they never married, their answer almost clear across the board is, "I never met the right person."'
The numbers of women waiting to marry until they are older also has increased since 1980, but their numbers are not nearly as high as the bottleneck of men moving into their late 40s and early 50s, never having said their "I dos.' ' While the population of men has not even doubled here, this group has increased sevenfold.
Among 35- to 39-year-olds in Hillsborough, Pinellas, Pasco and Hernando counties, there are about 22,000 never-married men and 17,500 never-married women.
The difference between the sexes continues in 40- to 44-year-old never-marrieds: 17,500 men and 14,300 women. Twenty-five years ago the numbers were 1,900 men and 1,500 women.
"I think there's generally more acceptance for being a bachelor but I think it's harder for men to live single because they've not developed some of the same social skills to lead a good single life," said E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman.
Karl Balducci, one of more than 10,000 never-married men ages 45 to 49 in Tampa Bay, says he's become good at living alone. He builds a life around the beach, triathlons and fixer-upper apartments. Though he'd like to marry, he said he's very selective, and he's not going to force it.
"I'm hoping I can see someone from across the room wherever I happen to be, and I have the nerve to walk up to her and we see each other and we click," he said. "I would never do computer ads. It seems forced and unnatural."
Balducci, 46, said he's noticed a number of men in their 40s who have never married. Many are struggling with modern American women, so much so that one moved to the Ukraine to date women and another brought a woman back from the Philippines.
Balducci has a theory about it. Women, he says, are more independent - yet more confused.
"They don't know what they want and it makes it tougher on guys," he said. "Women used to be dependent on men and it's not like that anymore. And it creates power struggles when they do get together."
One of the reasons he thinks he's still single is that his income from fixing up homes, selling art and occasionally driving a moving van isn't enough for women.
"I think if I was in a higher tax bracket, I'd be more likely to be married because of that," he said. "It seems to me if women are in the work force, they should be more willing to settle for a guy who doesn't make a million dollars a year."
Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist from the University of Washington and a relationship expert on PerfectMatch.com, says men who have never married in these older age ranges fall into two opposite groups.
"One group is the men nobody wants, the ones where two seconds later you know why they are not married," Schwartz said. "They don't earn money or they are obese. They are not good in the market. They are losers in the truest sense of the word.
"The other group is guys with a huge amount of possibilities. They are handsome, charming, successful. They have a series of girlfriends, a series of romantic liaisons and they ... have too many choices to settle on one person. And they get to a point where suddenly they are 45 and it's not looking so good anymore and then they start to look around for someone to have a quick family."
Devin Ridley-Marks puffed on a cigar at the back of Central Cigars in St. Petersburg, his quest to find 20 years of lost papers of the Tampa Daily Times foremost on his mind.
He produced a tiny digital clock that counted down the time until a festival he was organizing to commemorate the newspaper his great-great-grandfather founded in 1893: 70 days, 10 hours, 24 minutes, 10 seconds.
But another clock ticks in his head. The 36-year-old wants to get married and have kids in the next five years.
Herein lies Ridley-Marks' challenge. Not only must he find someone who shares his passion for finding old newspapers, he's also struggling with the Tampa Bay area's demographics: There are 43,101 more never-married men than women.
That's 100 never-married men for every 84 never-married women.
Ridley-Marks said he's looking for someone who shares his passion for history and a southern sense of family and heritage. Like many people, he wanted to wait until he had his career going before he married.
On average, men now marry at age 27, compared with 25 in 1980; for women, the average age to marry is 26 now, compared with 22 in 1980.
Men have always tended to wait longer because they don't have ticking biological clocks to worry about . Some, like Ridley-Marks, have waited until they got careers off the ground. Now other factors are coming into play.
With fewer never-married women to go around, many younger men are dating women 10 or 15 years older.
"You're seeing a lot of younger men with older women and it's because there are no defined rules of engagement," said DeLuca, the psychologist. "Anything goes socially ... women in their 30s and 40s are open to dating men in their 20s."
Ridley-Marks says he won't settle for anything but someone who makes his heart pound. When she comes along is anyone's guess.
"It's hard to find the right woman," he said. "I think what you have now is a population of Generation X-ers and Generation Y-ers who are not pressed by expectations to settle down at a traditional age - in your 20s. And so you have 30-somethings behaving like 20-somethings."
Okay, just getting back on here. Thanks for your kind words, HOTD. I agree, bitterness is in bad taste except in the most extreme circumstances!
If this is an example of the typical 'modern' American man-eater...err...I mean 'woman'...it's no wonder they're saying "no thanks" and heading for tropical climes.
Well, on first glance she's kind of yucky.
She is the most recently fired "Apprentice".
She is a shallow, egotistical know-it-all excuse for a human being. I cheered last night when she got axed.
If you don't watch the show, there is no way I could acurately describe her to you.
I'm glad I missed it.
Today I made dinner for a neighbor who had a very bad thing happen to her.
Tonight think she knows there are still good people.
We all need to know there are so many good people, of all sexes and colors and nationalities.
My prayers to your neighbor.
I'll disregard the ad hominem aspect of your reply (assuming comparing one to a lawyer is a negative thing in your book--for all I know you intended no value judgement either :-P ).
Have a beautiful day.
...bias towards women in the educational system....
&&
Lie propagated by feminists.
I didn't know what happiness was until I got married. But then it was too late.
(This was a favorite of my late father-in-law. God rest his soul.)
...they don't want to go to any more funerals than they have too.
&&
What a ridiculous reason.
I think they must really mean that they don't want to have an intimate relationship with anyone.
Good one, Bigg Redd. Another one from Henny -- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I don't watch the show, however from enough of office politics I already have a good idea of what she is like. I would probably be risking termination on grounds of sexual harassment in the workplace by merely saying good morning to her (yes, I have run into those types). That's why women in the workplace (or even in the same engineering profession) are absolutely off limits for me. BTW, the workplace includes bicycle racing, thanks to the policy of USA Cycling (that's right folks, bicycle racing is a job, not a hobby, according to certain executives in USAC.)
LOL!
Another one from my beloved late father-in-law, which he used on the occasion of his 60th wedding anniversary:
I've been happily married for 25 years. Of course, I've been married for 60 years....
He got many of his jokes from a record (records?) that he used to listen to on his mother's gramophone. (He would have been 93 next month.) He had the timing down just right, too.
Good one. We always remember with extra fondness the people who made us laugh. Okay, just one more of Henny's oft-repeated ones: A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
That's one of the dumbest observations, you are right. There is no shortage of attractive, nice women available for long term relationships. Guys who sing this tune just aren't trying, or they don't really want it.
That's certainly a part of it, but there is no reason to dismiss male wants out of hand at infantile. Men have more freedom and choice when it comes to a female companion, and are exercising that choice. While selfishness as an obstacle to a long term, successful relationship is present in both men and women, that's not to say that most expectations of men and women are necessarily invalid.
I agree. I work almost exclusively with young 20s graduate students and most of the people I know are between early 20s and early 40s. I have described these folks as a remarkable combination of exaggerated (if shallow) self esteem combined with almost no self confidence or self assurance. Its a strange mix and creates a lot of people who just can't cope with things very well (notwithstanding good careers or academic credentials.
One question I often ask young women in particular (but I get the same response from men) is after they tell me how aggressive and dedicated they are about success, "I know what I want, and I'm going to get it," I ask them nicely "so what do you want?"
Invariably I get a 'deer caught in the headlights' look, and they get confused and begin to stammer. They really have no idea what they want or how they are going to get it, but that doesn't stop them from boldly announcing their dedication and life goals. It's really very comical.
I think people approach their love lives similarly: they think they know what they want but really haven't given it much thought. They are quick to talk in catch phrases and slogans, but when called on it, they are stunned and almost incoherent.
I laugh.
I have no idea what the guys who lament how difficult it is to find attractive and available women are talking about. it's never been easier to find an attractive companion.
Who's the chick? She doesn't impress me at attractive at all. Almost mannish.
Thanks. From her picture and your description, she reminds me of 100s of women I worked with in a few nyc law firms.
The thing I used to like about these women is that they have cultivated a world view that they don't have good men in their lives because men are somehow 'intimidated' by them.
Yep, if by 'intimidated' you mean 'we took a look, and rejected you.' :-)
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