Posted on 04/25/2006 6:38:23 AM PDT by Cincinatus' Wife
Twenty-five years ago, most men in the Tampa Bay area married by age 35. But since 1980, the number of never-married men 35 to 55 has jumped sevenfold.
ST. PETERSBURG - On the eve of his 50th birthday, Robert Mendenhall was trying to decide whether to spend the big day with someone new or with his ex-girlfriend. She had held his interest the longest: eight months.
Mendenhall, who works in regional sales for a roofing and window company, hangs out with half a dozen never-married men in their late 40s and early 50s. They are successful at their jobs, keep themselves in good shape and spend a lot of time traversing Tampa's social network. Mendenhall said he surmises they gravitate toward each other because none of them have kids and they like to go out on the town.
Most of them would like to find someone.
"I wanted to get married but the right one never came along," said Mendenhall, who decided to go out with his ex-girlfriend for his birthday. "It could be me, I guess if I analyzed it hard enough. But I think I've left the door open every night."
Twenty-five years ago in Tampa Bay, there were 8,500 never-married men age 35 to 54; now there are more than 57,000. There are 33 percent fewer never-married women in this age range.
"A large number of older people who have never been married are starting to appear on the scene," said Jodi DeLuca, a psychologist and relationship expert from Tampa. "It's not as much as the divorced, but they're in their late 30s and 40s and they've never been married. And if you question them why they think they never married, their answer almost clear across the board is, "I never met the right person."'
The numbers of women waiting to marry until they are older also has increased since 1980, but their numbers are not nearly as high as the bottleneck of men moving into their late 40s and early 50s, never having said their "I dos.' ' While the population of men has not even doubled here, this group has increased sevenfold.
Among 35- to 39-year-olds in Hillsborough, Pinellas, Pasco and Hernando counties, there are about 22,000 never-married men and 17,500 never-married women.
The difference between the sexes continues in 40- to 44-year-old never-marrieds: 17,500 men and 14,300 women. Twenty-five years ago the numbers were 1,900 men and 1,500 women.
"I think there's generally more acceptance for being a bachelor but I think it's harder for men to live single because they've not developed some of the same social skills to lead a good single life," said E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman.
Karl Balducci, one of more than 10,000 never-married men ages 45 to 49 in Tampa Bay, says he's become good at living alone. He builds a life around the beach, triathlons and fixer-upper apartments. Though he'd like to marry, he said he's very selective, and he's not going to force it.
"I'm hoping I can see someone from across the room wherever I happen to be, and I have the nerve to walk up to her and we see each other and we click," he said. "I would never do computer ads. It seems forced and unnatural."
Balducci, 46, said he's noticed a number of men in their 40s who have never married. Many are struggling with modern American women, so much so that one moved to the Ukraine to date women and another brought a woman back from the Philippines.
Balducci has a theory about it. Women, he says, are more independent - yet more confused.
"They don't know what they want and it makes it tougher on guys," he said. "Women used to be dependent on men and it's not like that anymore. And it creates power struggles when they do get together."
One of the reasons he thinks he's still single is that his income from fixing up homes, selling art and occasionally driving a moving van isn't enough for women.
"I think if I was in a higher tax bracket, I'd be more likely to be married because of that," he said. "It seems to me if women are in the work force, they should be more willing to settle for a guy who doesn't make a million dollars a year."
Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist from the University of Washington and a relationship expert on PerfectMatch.com, says men who have never married in these older age ranges fall into two opposite groups.
"One group is the men nobody wants, the ones where two seconds later you know why they are not married," Schwartz said. "They don't earn money or they are obese. They are not good in the market. They are losers in the truest sense of the word.
"The other group is guys with a huge amount of possibilities. They are handsome, charming, successful. They have a series of girlfriends, a series of romantic liaisons and they ... have too many choices to settle on one person. And they get to a point where suddenly they are 45 and it's not looking so good anymore and then they start to look around for someone to have a quick family."
Devin Ridley-Marks puffed on a cigar at the back of Central Cigars in St. Petersburg, his quest to find 20 years of lost papers of the Tampa Daily Times foremost on his mind.
He produced a tiny digital clock that counted down the time until a festival he was organizing to commemorate the newspaper his great-great-grandfather founded in 1893: 70 days, 10 hours, 24 minutes, 10 seconds.
But another clock ticks in his head. The 36-year-old wants to get married and have kids in the next five years.
Herein lies Ridley-Marks' challenge. Not only must he find someone who shares his passion for finding old newspapers, he's also struggling with the Tampa Bay area's demographics: There are 43,101 more never-married men than women.
That's 100 never-married men for every 84 never-married women.
Ridley-Marks said he's looking for someone who shares his passion for history and a southern sense of family and heritage. Like many people, he wanted to wait until he had his career going before he married.
On average, men now marry at age 27, compared with 25 in 1980; for women, the average age to marry is 26 now, compared with 22 in 1980.
Men have always tended to wait longer because they don't have ticking biological clocks to worry about . Some, like Ridley-Marks, have waited until they got careers off the ground. Now other factors are coming into play.
With fewer never-married women to go around, many younger men are dating women 10 or 15 years older.
"You're seeing a lot of younger men with older women and it's because there are no defined rules of engagement," said DeLuca, the psychologist. "Anything goes socially ... women in their 30s and 40s are open to dating men in their 20s."
Ridley-Marks says he won't settle for anything but someone who makes his heart pound. When she comes along is anyone's guess.
"It's hard to find the right woman," he said. "I think what you have now is a population of Generation X-ers and Generation Y-ers who are not pressed by expectations to settle down at a traditional age - in your 20s. And so you have 30-somethings behaving like 20-somethings."
I've gone to some very sad funerals, but none so sad that I wished I'd never known the person.
True point. I could not imagine not having my wife and children and God is in charge so we really don't know what will happen. Thirty years with someone is better than none. I would imagine six months with someone is better than none also.
LOL! Seriously, part of the issue is that the longer you're single, the more set in your ways you become, and the less likely you are to change your ways to accommodate a new lifestyle.
My wife and I married (only marriage for both) in our mid-late thirties. By then, we both had careers, had our own things, and we were both used to doing what we wanted without needing anyone else's buy-in or blessing.
After we tied the knot, I didn't think we'd make it a year. That first six months was misery. Then, we gradually knocked the rough edges off each other, laid down some groundrules as to how we'd live our lives, and worked things out. It wasn't easy, but we survived it.
I love my wife, and I know she loves me. But we both agree on one thing: If anything should ever happen to one of us, the other would NEVER consider marrying again.
Liar, liar, pants on fire:
That's because it's all about them and what their infantile wants.
There's the generalization right there. As for me, my cup runneth over, but just keep it up with your ASSumptions. Certainly proves the old saying is true.
rimshot
"Thankyou, thankyou, you'reawonnerful audience, don't forget to tip your servers, and hurry back!"
I don't think I agree with everything you've said, but the point of American men looking elsewhere for brides isn't a new story.
Back in the early days of my Navy career, it was pretty common for men to actively seek and court Oriental/Island women, affectionately (and probably bigot-like) referred to as "rice-burners." Many men found the concept of marrying a "corn-eater" unfathonable.
In general, their attitutudes toward American women could be summed up as "not worth putting up with." That was well over 20 years ago. So the Russian bride syndrome isn't anything new.
I thought by this time this thread would have several hundred posts, with some of the usual suspects hurling invectives with abandon, while avoiding the issue which your above statement points out.
Heck, ask an American female in an unguarded moment about what she thinks about how her counterparts act and she isn't all that glowing in the report. Granted, this anectdotal from my experience. Additionally, some of those females who I've had this conversation with then run out and engage in the same behavior they just disparaged.
It appears that the marriage strike is growing. There are other instances of your stereotypical 30 year old living in his parent's basement, but I think that is much less the problem than the fact that the current environment is fairly hostile to men when a relationship goes bad. This is made worse by a legal system that originally was formed to help women based on an older set of values, but then hijacked by opportunists who have turned it into a way to punish men just because of their gender.
If compared to a casino in Vegas, would you dare want to gamble there, knowing that the odds are highly stacked against you?
Words of wisdom.
In the 70's people were talking about not wanting to bring children into this world. I think they didn't care enough to help out the world or put effort into rearing children who would be an asset to humanity. A lot of those types are still around.
I dunno, meeting women isn't hard.. meeting a woman to marry is probably a bit tougher, but frankly if one isn't looking to get married (which it sounds like most of these guys aren't or weren't) one is very likely not to ever be.
Yes, "modern" american women, a lot of em can be superficial and frankly basket cases when it comes to expectations in a long term relationship... but not all.
I meet women all the time, I am happily married, so I'm not looking for a wife, but I'd say about 50% of those I spend any time with that I have met would certainly be on the "possible" list if I was looking.. the other 50% are either too self absorbed, to superficial, to selfish, or have personality or world views that I know from experience would clash to hard with my own to be successful, or while nice gals, have unrealistic expectations from relationships, or are still in their flighty stage, not going to settle down... or never will.... and yes, some just don't understand men at all... and expect men to be women... and that just ain't gonna happen.
I know that honestly, if I found myself trapped in midtown manhattan and had to find a bride, I'd probably be going after the first or second generation immigrants... they still have some sense about them when it comes to the relationship between men and women... and not fully corrupted by consumerism and greed... and frankly haven't been with everyone and their brother during the "wild days" and now want to settle down.
Then you are kind not to involve someone else. Bravo to you.
Bump!
But there are good, kind, sensible, loving American women too, as well as American men.
Oh I know... they are out there, finding them in a dense urban setting is a rather difficult task.... which is what my last paragraph is about. Far easier to find in more rural areas in my experience.
That certainly true.
No, actually you said:
More likely: I'm selfish and unwilling to compromise even on minor things.
"Merely" would mean "and unwilling to compromise even on minor things" didn't follow "I'm selfish." No one is hard pressed to find a value judgment there. What are you, a wannabe lawyer?
...and that you were literally "betting the farm?"
Indeed.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.