Posted on 03/15/2006 8:46:15 AM PST by Hannah Senesh
Who has time to spend an afternoon at home, standing aside and watching the ordinary lives of our children?
"You wouldn't believe what I’ve been doing for the last few weeks," said my friend Shirley as we both eyed the sophisticated basket of baked goods at the trendiest food shop in the city, and pick at a bowl of freshly-cut vegetables gleaming with just the right amount of spiced virgin olive oil.
"Every evening I try to recreate the taste of the omelet and the salad my mother used to make, and I can’t do it. I use different vegetables, I refresh the oil, I mix it up with emotion—but nothing happens. It all comes out with today’s taste. I want that good old-fashioned taste."
"It's obvious," I explained, "you need to use regular oil instead of olive oil. You can’t use canola, either. Go to the supermarket, buy a bottle of corn or soy oil, and you’ll find your childhood memories in that bottle," I assured her.
That evening I tried it at home: cucumber, tomato, and onion in a shower of regular oil with a lot of salt. It came out so perfectly that I imagined the tune of an old children’s television program and I fantasized that my mother would come out of the kitchen in a moment in a checkered apron, stand in the living room, and scold me for faking my scales on the piano again.
Once upon a time
Once upon a time the kitchen was not merely an unwelcome intruder in the living room. Once upon a time the pile of dishes did not reach the ceiling. Once upon a time, every room in the house had a door you could close. Try setting limits today.
Once upon a time, mothers were at home at 5:30, busily preparing the evening’s dinner. It wasn’t that they worked less than we do today. They worked, studied, cooked, and cleaned. Few had hired cooks or housekeepers; they simply managed things differently. But mostly it was the norm for parents to be with their children.
Even the most demanding job started to quiet down towards 5 or 6 p.m., and fathers came home while it was still light out, which gave rise to a custom of "being at home."
Those were the days
Once upon a time it was perfectly okay to work until 2 or 3 p.m., and anyone whose workday included a long mid-day break went home for lunch and a quick afternoon nap, which meant that parents were at home. They were present. They hovered in our lives and our consciousness. We saw them, we smelled them, we felt them.
They were not our mobile entertainment, they did not sit all day playing with us or creating activities for us, but they were there: they sent us on missions like folding laundry, had us stand beside them to peel potatoes or check for stones in the rice, listened with full attention to our conversations about ourselves, corrected us where necessary, and got involved, and there was a sense that we were not alone, so we didn’t feel lonely. We didn’t need to be the center of anyone’s universe because we were part of the world.
Who has the time for all that today?
Today, I don’t know how much we are really at home, really present, as our parents were in our lives. How many times a week do we spend the afternoon at home, standing off to the side and watching the simple daily activities of our children: the struggles over the temptation to play games instead of doing homework, the small tricks over the lunch plate?
Busy lives
Most of our children, after all, eat lunch in daycare centers and come home at 4 p.m. Some are brought home by babysitters, others by a parent who rushes out from a job he is forced to cut cruelly short, and immediately they run to various after-school activities, to meet friends, or to run errands.
And who has time anyway just to sit around the house and notice the smell of the house, the special sounds of 4 o’clock in the afternoon, the slow transition from full light to dusk?
Everyone’s in the same space.
Today the workday for parents is long and intolerable, and very few parents manage to get home while it is still light out to be with their children. Only those who are really lucky have a job that allows them, if not to work from home, then at least to do some of the tasks in the afternoon from home, within the most important four walls of their lives.
What kids want
Because that is what our children really want. For us to be home. Not to play with them all day long, not to read to them endlessly, and not to turn them into the sun that shines in the center of our universe.
All they want is for their lives and ours to be conducted, at least some of the time, in the same space for there to be enough overlap to hold onto. They want to feel we are truly there with them. Not just on the phone, giving out instructions, but really at home, in the same protected, complete physical space, busy with our affairs, working or cooking or cleaning or having a rest in the afternoon, but there. Accessible. Flesh and blood.
Perhaps if we internalize this, we will succeed in educating ourselves to work fewer hours and to run less quickly to nowhere.
This doesn’t just depend on the individual, of course; it demands awareness and consideration from employers and bosses as well. But don’t they want to connect to themselves from the most basic and simplest place? Don’t they want to use the gift of life to the fullest instead of passing through it without any idea where they came from and where they are going?
And perhaps, if we were more tranquil and moved slower, we would even manage to recreate the taste of the omelets from the good old days.
Mystery solved
By the way, one phone call to my busy mother solved the riddle: the omelets of my childhood were cooked using Blueband margarine, the miraculous rectangle that added a gleam to every dough, that moistened every cake, and that was licked with gusto when covered with a goodly layer of white sugar on a piece of regular white bread.
I called Shirley right away: "Go buy Blueband margarine. It will bring the taste back to your omelet." But she was already standing next to the counter, stirring an organic millet pancake mix with her oldest daughter, which she intended to eat with honey and dates.
Anat Lev-Adler is the author of the bestselling "Secrets of Working Mothers", published by Yedioth Ahronoth
Why should our politicians hear us? For some program we want them to finance? College was never affordable for the common man. It always meant great sacrifice something today's generation does not understand. The blue collar worker became the predominate work force and college was not needed for the majority. When the blue collar worker was on top of the world it made a college education more valuable. Now that a college education is a dime a dozen possibly because of the federal programs, grants, etc you have the college educated flipping hamburgs and they are not paid in relation to the money expended to obtain the education. At least this is my opinion. Stands to reason that price goes along with value. When you have an over abundance of something it cheapens it. Same for college.
I have been considering asking about a telecommute a couple days per week, but it may be difficult to talk the boss into.
Yum! What time is dinner?
Don't remember being "forced" into the workforce. Been working since I was 15; I wanted money to buy my own clothes and records. Mom & Dad didn't have much disposable income.
Worked through college too, had a sister one year behind me. I felt guilty asking my folks for beer and clothing money while they struggled with tuition. But I wasn't forced to work.
Worked after college because I enjoyed having my own place and my own money. Was the grown-up thing to do.
Never thought of stopping just because I got married. I was in a great field (early information technology) with interesting work in a great environment (a college) a few blocks from home.
Took 4 month maternity leave after my first baby. Found a great baby sitter who watched her and later her sister & brother for 10 years at my home when I went back. Was home for lunch (even nursed each for a few months), at school functions, and home less than an hour after the kids.
I would have gone NUTS being a stay-at-home mom. House might have been cleaner and weekends less chore-filled, but I would have been ready to shoot myself. I enjoy adult conversation and discussions, and hated most kids tv. I'm not one to watch the same movies over and over. And my husband was even worse; totally frazzled after a couple of days home alone with the kids when they were little.
I have plenty of stay-at-home mom friends. By the time the kids were 4 they were in preschool for a few hours a day and mom was stuck with not enough time to work or start home projects before pick-up time. I'm not judging whether one route was better than the other, but the benefit for me was that I always had a good income coming in and was able to keep up with the advances in the field.
If I had to do it again, I might have worked part-time for a couple of those years. But I was lucky I had a great employer and now enough years of service for all my kids to go to a private, catholic college for free. (Okay, the first one is at a private EXPENSIVE college not on my tuition exchange plan, but I have hope for the other two!)
I don't believe women are "forced" into the workforce any more than men are.
All I know is that eventually people will scream loud enough and something will be done about the cost of colleges. Now, which party will actually do something is up for debate.
I think our politicians should hear us because they work for us.
I think its just a matter of making it a priority.
I have always worked anywhere from 40 to 80 hours a week, but have always been home every evening... nearly always eat dinner as a family... and my wife stays home.
I also manage to play 3 sports a week as well as 3 professional business meetings a month... wife is a girlscout leader, and my son plays sports and piano and karate as well... at times it is hectic beyond belief, but it is very rare we don't eat dinner together or spend at least some time together in the evenings.
Your life, and what you do with it, reflect your true priorities. What you say doesn't matter, what you feel doesn't matter, what you believe doesn't matter.. its what you DO that counts.
Yea, we don't have a 5,000 square ft McMansion, and yes, our cars are 14 and 10 years old respectively, and no, we don't have a ski chalet or a beach house... and no, we don't have name brand clothing.... no, we don't even have extended cable or digital tv... Only have a prepaid cell phone for use in emergencies.... most of the clothing our kid wears is second hand..... as is some of our stuff, and the stuff that's not is generally from lower end department stores.....
However, those cars are paid for, our kid goes to private school, I'm home every night.... And no matter how hectic my jobs have been, I always make sure that is the case... even if it means leaving work at 5pm, only to go back at 9pm and work until 1am to make up for it.
I could change this behavior, probably double my salary in short order, and never see my family... and I could have a new car, big house, and all the toys... but I'd rather have true influence in my childs life rather than showering him with gifts over guilt for not being there.
I am a huge proponent of dinner at 6:00, which was my family norm. I've even let it slide to 6:30 (to allow for my 1 hr+ drive home), but my wife doesn't do that. As soon as she gets in from picking the kids up (she's 'out' of work at 3 pm (teacher), and picks the kids up about 5:00-5:30 so she can do her paperwork/etc.), she gives them snacks, then wonders why they don't want dinner at 6:30... (at least it's good snacks... grapes, bananas, apples).
I really wonder about today's kids, and what it'll be like for my grand-kids. One thing is for sure, I'm going to be the grand-pa that tells the "back in my day" stories...
Actually if the Government didn't guarantee student loans, you'd see college prices drop like a rock. THe only reason they go up so much is because the colleges know every kid that shows up at the door can get $XXXX automatically backed by uncle same in loans... there is no downward price pressure from that point.
All I know is that eventually people will scream loud enough and something will be done about the cost of colleges. Now, which party will actually do something is up for debate.
I think our politicians should hear us because they work for us.
IMO, the problem is not at the federal level. It is at the College level. Administrators are making waaaaay too much money. Check out how much presidents are making at universities and add their perks. Coaches are making waaay too much money also. And, to add salt to that wound they receive State funding along with Federal funding for tuition, grants and who knows what else.
I agree our pockets are being robbed but looking to politicians to solve the problem is a joke. Colleges should be boycotted until they lower the tuition costs and quit building "estates" rather than rooms for learning. BUT, today's generations seem to be all about 'looks.' Is the Church big and pretty, is the campus awesome and are there all kinds of extracurricular activities, etc. Oh, and I can't forget the kids need a place to park their only toooo often new cars. These generations are as spoiled and as much on the government doll as former generations. No generation has been exempt from wanting some type of funding (entitlement) from the government. I just wish they could admit it.
Better watch out; I cook trout, too. ;)
Not everyone is dumb enough to think that being a wage slave is the end all and be all. There's more than one way to skin a cat and its not impossible to spend time at home and still make money. Maybe not in a preferred manner - but where there's a will there's a way.
"What kids want
Because that is what our children really want. For us to be home."
List?
"I'm in my early 30's and absolutely hate the "women's movement" for basically making me have to work."
No one is forcing you to work. If it's important to both of you that you stay home, he's just going to have to make more money.
I hear ya and it must change. I often wonder if it ever will but I think over time, hopefully some of it will change.
All I can do in response to your post is stand and applaud. Sorry that's difficult to see on a message board. :)
I have to tell you, I hear this excuse for working (enjoying adult conversation)... as though raising a child shuts you off from the world if you stay at home... Nothing could be more from the truth.
My wife quite work when our first was born, yes, it took her a little time to adjust to it, but it also opened up all sorts of meaningful "adult conversation" and things beyond watching the same show over and over.. which IMHO your child shouldn't be doing anyway.
Lets just go through a few things she's been up to since quitting work, that have kept her from "adult conversation".... She spent several years in various board member positions for a local community group.. she has been a girl scout leader for 5 years and trainer (no we don't even have a daughter)... She is active in our local church and school... She knows just about every child and parent and teacher and adminstrator by name... Active in all sorts of other community activities.... etc etc etc...
If you think all a "stay at home mom" does is clean the house and cook dinner, you are sorely mistaken. All those things that every community needs done just to stay operational, require people to do them, most of the folks that do them are volunteers, and those volunteers fall largely into 2 groups... Retirees and stay at home moms... Yea, the jobs aren't glorious, but without them being recess monitors your kid wouldn't even get to go outside on a nice day, or helping out in the lunch room your kid might not even get a meal served...
Any "stay at home mom" who is "bored" isn't trying... You'd be hard pressed to find anyone, working or not that is as busy as my wife on a typical day.
You like work, that's great, but I just don't remotely buy the line of "need work to keep from going nuts"... there is so much out there to keep anyone who is available busy you won't have time to go nuts.
I'm not a proponent of dinner at six - neither were my parents, since that was cocktail hour, and it's the same for me today. It does sound like snack time is too close to dinner at your house, though....
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