Posted on 03/01/2006 7:09:06 AM PST by ZGuy
In the United States, living together instead of marrying has become the norm for couples -- half of young adults aged 20-40 are cohabiting instead of getting married. Cohabitation has increased nearly 1,000% since 1980, and the marriage rate has dropped more than 40% since 1960.
Some see substituting living together for marriage as an insignificant shift in family “structure.” Those who are better informed realize that the shift has disastrous ramifications for the individuals involved, as well as for society and public policy.
The faulty reasoning leading young adults to make such a poor choice must be exposed. Here are four myths surrounding the shift.
Myth No. 1: Living Together Is a Good Way to “Test the Water”
Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage -- the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80% higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months.
Myth No. 2: Couples Don’t Really Need That “Piece of Paper”
A major problem with cohabitation is that it is a tentative arrangement that lacks stability; no one can depend upon the relationship -- not the partners, not the children, not the community, nor the society. Such relationships contribute little to those inside and certainly little to those outside the arrangement. Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage, indicating that, in case the relationship goes sour, they can avoid the trouble, expense and emotional trauma of a divorce. With such a weak bond between the two parties, there is little likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure.
Myth No. 3: Cohabiting Relationships Usually Lead to Marriage
During the 1970s, about 60% of cohabiting couples married each other within three years, but this proportion has since declined to less than 40%. While women today still tend to expect that “cohabitation will lead to marriage,” numerous studies of college students have found that men typically cohabit simply because it is “convenient.” In fact, there is general agreement among scholars that living together before marriage puts women at a distinct disadvantage in terms of “power.” A college professor described a survey that he conducted over a period of years in his marriage classes. He asked guys who were living with a girl, point blank, “Are you going to marry the girl that you’re living with?” The overwhelming response, he reports, was “NO!” When he asked the girls if they were going to marry the guy they were living with, their response was, “Oh, yes; we love each other and we are learning how to be together.”
Myth No. 4: Cohabiting Relationships Are More Egalitarian Than Marriage
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
So What’s the Conclusion?
A mass of sociological evidence shows that cohabitation is an inferior alternative to the married, intact, two-parent, husband-and-wife family. Increasingly, the myths of living together without marriage are like a mirror shattered by the force of the facts that expose the reality of cohabitation.
Dr. Crouse is senior fellow of Concerned Women for America’s Beverly LaHaye Institute.
You're missing the point too. Read previous.
You say that like it's a bad thing...
A bit more realistically, it must be serving some need of both parties, or one would leave.
I'm always on the dang computer, that's how. :~D
Ideally, if the fist person one has sex with is a new spouse, they will strongly bond to that person. It's very similar to the imprinting that a fresh hatched chick will get on the first moving thing it sees.
Multiple partners over a brief period of time will blur the bonding response and make it difficult to settle down on any other single partner.
I think that this bonding is one of the reasons arranged marriages seem to have a lower divorce rate and more happy couples than the modern 'love' marriage. With our current society, awash in sexuality, and favoring later marriage, it is very difficult for any normal hormonally hypercharged teenager to 'last' long enough to marry to a virgin as a virgin.
I don't know the solution, but it seems our society militates against our biology.
Not to you. You're a guy!
I've overheard them bragging to each other, though...
You responded: Wow if you think marriage is about sex and money its no wonder you're so jaded. My wife is my friend, and partner. She helps me to be a better Christian. I have less money and recreational time now than when I was single but I am a more complete person.
Let me put it another way. The state provides a powerful incentive for women to marry for money, and divorce for profit. That being the case, it also provides a strong incentive for successful men not to marry.
This is all plain silly. SILLY! To discuss marriage success rates and longevity, and leave out the question of the quality and length of the courtship (pre-marriage, and pre-co-habitation) is just crazy.
Let’s assume people move in together more casually (that is, earlier) in their relationship than if they were to get married. They know each other less well and, bingo, are less likely to stay together. The problem is a short courtship.
I lived in an area of the country for four years that was very religious – cohabitation was less socially acceptable, couples married earlier (at younger, more impulsive ages, with shorter courtships) and divorce rates were high.
Again, the key issue is quality of the courtship. If someone wanted to study couples who each knew each other for the same period of time before EITHER moving in together unmarried or moving in together married, THEN you’d have a decent argument about the superiority of one over the other.
Thank you for your well-put clarification. People make this discussion 1) too complicated and 2) are too defensive about their own individual stances.
Bingo!
Frank and Marie?
"So are the girls who sleep around not whores? Of course the guys who sleep around are also whores."
Yes, if a monetary transaction is involved for services rendered.
Perhaps. Yet arranged marriages also have a high success rate, and in that case there is often little or no courtship.
Noooo. Who are Frank and Marie?
Unless they're nice shoes, of course...
lol! ok! you got me! (**whoosh**) [sound of me throwing my cards on the table]
Barone ("Everybody Loves Raymond").
(I meant that I'm throwing my cards in, in response to the 'arranged marriages' point.)
Though, I do wonder what marriage success rates are like in cultures where having a mistress/lover is considered acceptable.
As a divorced dad I have a very vital interest in understanding 'wha happened!?!?' Not only do I have the larger issue of what our high promiscuity and divorce rates are doing to our society, on a personal level what advice can I give my son and daughter? And is the advice the same for each of them? If not why not?
You have contributed a valuable piece of the puzzle to today's conversation. Please don't fold now!
D'oh!
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