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The quick and the dread (DaveBarry)
Maimi Herald ^ | Dave Barry

Posted on 02/26/2006 8:00:31 AM PST by nuconvert

The quick and the dread


Miami Herald

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 12, 1995.)

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: ``Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it!''

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales. I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. ''I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets'' is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. These are, of course, young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 mph and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, ``Cool.''

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together. We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill). If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, ''I'm just catching my breath!'' in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw. At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing. In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range. Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself.

You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope. Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete. You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two-step method:

STEP ONE: Watching Brad do something.

STEP TWO: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics. I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM, my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

''Keep your knees bent!'' Brad would yell, helpfully. Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if THAT would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, ``FORGET MY KNEES! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GRAVITY CHUNKS!''

Needless to say, my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes, he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me. If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: barry; davebarry; humor; snow; snowboarding; sports; winter
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1 posted on 02/26/2006 8:00:34 AM PST by nuconvert
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To: nuconvert

Put a motor on it, or count me out.

2 posted on 02/26/2006 8:03:33 AM PST by digger48
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To: nuconvert

cute, if cynical. My brother taught himself to ski backwards in about 60 seconds... he got the hand/eye genes, I think.

3 posted on 02/26/2006 8:05:40 AM PST by the invisib1e hand ("Who is it, really, making up your mind?")
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To: nuconvert

I like Dave Barry. He reminds me of my dad.

4 posted on 02/26/2006 8:05:49 AM PST by Boxen (You're thinking in Japanese. If you must think, do it in German!)
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To: nuconvert; DollyCali; Goodgirlinred; nascarnation; Blurblogger; Carl; vetvetdoug; GregoTX; ...
Too funny ping

love Dave Barry,thanks!

5 posted on 02/26/2006 8:10:01 AM PST by apackof2 (You can stand me up at the gates of hell, I'll stand my ground and I won't back down)
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To: nuconvert


6 posted on 02/26/2006 8:16:59 AM PST by Search4Truth (Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God - Thomas Jefferson.)
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To: nuconvert

too funny!

my boys LOVED the olympic snowboarding events the best.
their fav was the new snowboard cross. looks waaaaaaaaay
too adventurous for me tho.

7 posted on 02/26/2006 8:35:44 AM PST by leda (Dream a better dream and work to make it reality!)
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To: Boxen

I like Dave Barry, reminds me of ME!

8 posted on 02/26/2006 8:47:23 AM PST by Clintons Are White Trash (Lynn Stewart, Helen Thomas , Molly Ivins, Maureen Dowd - The Axis of Ugly)
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To: Clintons Are White Trash

Me too!

However this article puts me in the mind of my eight year old stating that she will be the next "Flying Tomato".

I began to pray for her safety and my sanity as soon as she said it.
This is the child who is too scared to ride a bike.

9 posted on 02/26/2006 9:11:03 AM PST by netmilsmom (To attack one section of Christianity in this day and age, is to waste time.)
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To: apackof2

I like snowboarding and skiing a lot. I sit here in Mississippi and watch it all the time on TV. A man has got to know his limitations. I personally participate in riding on or in bicycles, horses, motorcycles and boats.

10 posted on 02/26/2006 10:27:55 AM PST by vetvetdoug
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To: Boxsford; Irish Rose; Ditter; kitkat


11 posted on 02/26/2006 11:22:20 AM PST by nuconvert ([there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: digger48
More ever, It needs brakes.
12 posted on 02/26/2006 11:41:07 AM PST by oyez (Appeasement is insanity)
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To: nuconvert
This one is my favorite of all! Hilarious! Skiers are! Barry's generalizations match up perfectly to my generalizations.
Not a fan of snowboarders...unless I'm watching the Olympics where they are well out of my way and voting district.
13 posted on 02/26/2006 12:05:39 PM PST by Boxsford
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To: apackof2
I think I will sit in the lodge beside a warm fire drinking hot chocolate with Harm. Of course, that will be after Harm and I have tried dog sledding and he has dumped me in the snow several times and I am on an advil diet. :(
14 posted on 02/26/2006 12:05:40 PM PST by Goodgirlinred ( GoodGirlInRed Four More Years!!!!!)
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To: nuconvert

Saw my first snowboarder about ten years ago at Mt Hood. I knew at first sight that they are not from this planet.

15 posted on 02/26/2006 12:13:52 PM PST by daybreakcoming (If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. A. Lincoln)
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To: vetvetdoug

I just started horse back riding lessons about 4 months ago

Something I have always wanted to do and I love it!

Doesn't take long being around horses to want one of your own

I really like a breed called Paso Fino

This Paso Fino Palomino Stallion is gorgeous, isn't he!

Image hosting by TinyPic

16 posted on 02/26/2006 2:02:27 PM PST by apackof2 (You can stand me up at the gates of hell, I'll stand my ground and I won't back down)
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To: apackof2


17 posted on 02/26/2006 2:09:05 PM PST by The Spirit Of Allegiance (SAVE THE BRAINFOREST! Boycott the RED Dead Tree Media & NUKE the DNC Class Action Temper Tantrum!)
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To: Blurblogger
Check out the post above yours, #17

You like horses don't ya!?

18 posted on 02/26/2006 2:26:48 PM PST by apackof2 (You can stand me up at the gates of hell, I'll stand my ground and I won't back down)
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To: apackof2

Headache gone?

19 posted on 02/26/2006 2:36:19 PM PST by carlr
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To: carlr
Not completely no

Maybe I shouldn't have gone for a walk?

Its chilly here, 28 and kinda windy

The biggest thing is that the barometric pressure is still high 30.28 and it needs to be in the 29. range
So it makes it hard for my muscles to relax...:>

AND I gotta to go do homework, read about 25 pgs., take a short Quiz and do a 150 word answer
I am putting it off, obviously...LOL

BTW thanks for asking

20 posted on 02/26/2006 2:46:31 PM PST by apackof2 (You can stand me up at the gates of hell, I'll stand my ground and I won't back down)
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