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$.$. Halliburton: "Thus capitalism has converted a painful conflict into a productive symbiosis that made me even richer."
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The ingenious device, soon to be available at Wal-Mart stores everywhere, resembles a dartboard that is connected to the local power grid. A network of industrial-strength generators will also be installed in public places, where frustrated environmental activists and other volunteers of the progressive persuasion, who are impatient with the slow advancement of the planet-friendly socialist utopia, can selflessly contribute to the saving of the planet by generating free, clean energy for the common good. Laboratory studies have shown a significant increase in the production of the common good when People Power is coupled with crack cocaine and other energy-enhancement drugs. People Power is not just renewable - it is a virtual eternal engine. The more capitalist prosperity it generates, the more anxiety and revolutionary vigor it produces in the haters of Western consumerism. The more energy they discharge to the power grid, the more capitalist prosperity they help create, and so on.  In a field experiment conducted in New York's Times Square, a group of street activists who had gathered to protest War for Oil at the local recruitment center, were also made to watch the famous gigantic neon-light blaze of capitalist advertising that floods the location. Within three minutes, hatred of corporations and consumerism had driven the activists into such a frenzy that their individual People Power Generators alone produced enough electricity to power the Times Square electrical circuit, allowing scientists to unplug it from the city grid without anyone noticing the difference. In another experiment, a test group of 20 Code Pink activists outside the New York Stock Exchange building had been unwittingly powering the work of all NYSE operations throughout the entire day.
The eternal engine of a self-loathing society, described in Karl Marx's dialectics as the unity of the opposites, was also known to the ancients as the "ouroboros" - a snake biting its own tail.
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Armed with this technology, progressive college campuses will no longer require external power lines. Experts have calculated that university libraries, auditoriums, and sit-ins are already generating enough anti-capitalist sentiment to light up a city like Columbus, OH, or Berkeley, CA. - the energy that is currently wasted on heated debates that result in the spreading of the Global Warming theory. The extraction of this revolutionary vigor will not only make campuses independent from polluting power plants - it will also allow students to improve their grades and focus more on the scientific aspects of Marxist dialectical materialism.
 "I used to feel all jittery when I heard words like Republican, capitalism, Bush. I was so worked up I couldn't hold a job. But thanks to People Power I'm now able to work at Halliburton, which raises my social status and mating potential. I still hate capitalism - only now, instead of bringing me down, this feeling makes my life much more enjoyable."
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The smallest unit of people's energy is called "Che." 1,000 Ches make one Mao. 1000 Maos make one Lenin. Halliburton researchers are already working on the next generation of People Power technology that will extract raw people's energy into a device that looks like a tinfoil hat. Dubbed "Portable People Power Extractors," they will be capable of transmitting up to 60 Ches per minute to the nearest power grid for conversion into electricity. Housed in a secret underground facility, the testing extraction laboratory is adorned with vintage Stalinist posters. Speakers are playing invigorating revolutionary music by Joan Baez, Pearl Jam, Rage Against The Machine, and the Soviet Red Army Choir. A dozen volunteer donors, wearing tinfoil hat transmitters, sit around reading "The New York Times," or browse Internet sites like DemocraticUnderground.com and MoveOn.org. The combined transmitted energy of 200 Maos is enough to power the nearby Wal-Mart store. No animal testing has ever been conducted here. According to scientists, animals do not get nearly as excited when they hear such phrases as "global warming," "American imperialism," or " Dennis Kucinich." But all donors agree that the extraction process eventually makes them feel better about themselves and the world at large. Power to the people! Crack cocaine is optional.
 MARXMOBILE with roof-mounted People Power demodulator
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Underway is the creation of Marxmobile - the environmentally friendly vehicle fueled by People Power (5 miles per Mao). To make it move the driver must keep thinking happy thoughts about universal redistribution of wealth, equal pay for unequal work, social harmony, and class enemies rotting in re-education camps. The car radio, tuned permanently to Air America, is always on - it energizes the driver's brain, which then energizes the vehicle. The trick is that to start the Marxmobile one must first start up the radio (touch the tuner and visualize George Bush falling into a stream of molten lava). After a minute of Air America news coverage the average liberal-minded driver will easily go from 0 to 45 mph. On the long waiting list for the purchase of these vehicles are Dan Rather, Michael Moore, George Soros, Howard Dean, and the entire staff of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. "I'd rather buy it from Fidel Castro," says Robert Redford, who is also on the list, "but I'm afraid the polar ice caps will melt sooner than Cuba develops such technology." Analysts predict that Halliburton will make an estimated hundred billion dollars in worldwide sales of Marxmobiles. |
Al Gore before People Power and after
"Bush is a liar! When he says solar power, he means global warming! When he says wind power he means hurricanes! When he says water, atom, and ethanol, he means tsunami, Chernobyl, and alcohol! He betrayed this planet!" |
"I guess this is what Lenin meant when he said, 'Communism equals People Power plus the electrification of the entire nation.' Welcome to the club, George W!" |
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