The rude `When are you having a baby?' question

Mercury News ^ | January 10, 2006 | Dear Abby question

[beaversmom]

DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.

In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''

My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?

Childless and happy in Texas

[RockinRight]

It's one thing to "choose" childlessness (though many still regret it later). It's quite another to become childless because you mistakenly thought you could put off the babies until it was more convenient (or whatever).

I'm a 28 year old male and childless. Am I making a mistake because I didn't just go marry and knock up the first girl I dated (who later ended up in an insane asylum, true story...for another day)? I'm not waiting for "convenience," I'm waiting for a suitable partner.

I realize that as a man, I have a larger window (no menopause, etc) but still...

[gogeo]

The couple who can, but chooses not to have children are the ultimate in selfishness, for they demand that the future pay for their present.

Really? Why is that?

[stylecouncilor]

I usually respond to this with someting equally obnoxious like "and give up my crack? NO Way!"

[Muzzle_em]

I'm a conservative Christian, artist, married, and childless by choice. I'm almost 41. My hubby and I love short visits with little ones in our extended families, but we are admittedly selfish in that we treasure our time alone (together).

I don't get offended when folks ask the questions until they get a judgemental scowl on their faces after about the 4th or 5th question, when I admit that I don't WANT kids.

My mother and MIL are the worst. They get angry and loud about it. When the two of them are together, they all but DEMAND we give them a grandchild!

I think I'd be willing to have a baby if hubby changed his mind within the next year or two, but I honestly don't hear a clock ticking or feel panicked to have a baby. My body is not totally gross, but it isn't that great either, so I'm not trying to hold onto a figure that is not there.

I truly admire anyone who chooses motherhood. I know it is such an awesome responsibility, sacrifice, etc.

[RockinRight]

Since you're female that would be even more funny than coming from a guy...

[Dr.Zoidberg]

Some people aren't happy unless they are miserable and making others the same way. A simple question isn't reason for you to get all twisted out of shape.

You don't want to have kids? Cool. They would probably be as maladjusted and selfish as you. Some children are much better off never being conceived considering the screwed up parents they would inherit.

[steve-b]

I don't think you have to get hostile at people making an inquiry over something the majority of us do.

Well, you don't have to get hostile if some joker takes it upon himself to question you about the details of your sexual habits, bowel movements, etc. However, it would be perfectly understandable if you did.

I remember hearing about an old school friend who was sent an inquiry about attending the upcoming highschool reunion.

This is why I made sure to give my high school and college a bogus address and phone number. Cuts down on useless invitations to events that conflict with a subsequent engagement, and shuts down one source of telepest calls to boot.

[CounterCounterCulture]

How about the always pleasant "Oh, my GAWD! You're so skinny! You need to gain some weight! Even just a little...

Yes, I get that one a lot too.

[pnz1]

I am so thankful for the birthparents who recognize they are not ready to be parents and chose adoption as an option for their child.

[CounterCounterCulture]

Who does more harm? The couple who doesn't want kids and doesn't have them? Or the couple who doesn't want kids and has them anyway?

Indeed. And the latter are more apt to be neglectful and want an increase in government child care services, at taxpayer expense of course.

Of course, if the former aborts as a form of avoiding having children, then that is also appalling.

[steve-b]

Maybe one can't have kids because of an STD, a botched abortion, or because one is queer as a three-dollar bill... things like that are your business and the world doesn't need to be told about them and really isn't asking for that level of detail -- WTMI!

Hmmm... that's another good way to dispose of such rude personal questions: invent an answer replete with TMI details until the pest flees.

[MEGoody]

A simple question isn't reason for you to get all twisted out of shape.

I agree. Just looking at the person and rolling your eyes, or saying "It's none of your business" generally stops unwanted questions or comments.

[linda_22003]

"if the former aborts as a form of avoiding having children, then that is also appalling."

And the nosey parkers who ask "why don't you have children?" hopefully won't be so appalling themselves as to demand that information!

[RikaStrom]

Ain't that the truth. Me too.

:-)

How are you Allegra? I haven't talke to you in an age!

[gridlock]

Actually, in order to be a parallel construction, the question would have to be about you, not your wife.

But don't worry, I have a high tolerance level for rude people, too!

[pnz1]

I'm not sure that (regarding infertility at least) that people who have not experienced it really understand how hard it is to deal with for a lot of people. They may ask questions not understanding that it is hard to talk about.

[Dr.Zoidberg]

As am I.

There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than a person who screws around, gets pregnant(as a couple) and then murders a child just to clean up a mistake. Birth control by the blade is evil and those who do it are less than animals in my view.

If you aren't up to being a parent, don't f*ck around. If you do and get caught, don't compound your mistake by butchering an innocent.

There are many out there who would love to adopt a baby, any baby.

[najida]

Sister!

I've had the same idiot question asked over and over....

Even had a lecture once from someone I barely knew about if I didn't have children, I'd die old and alone (thankyouverymuch idiot!)

Mine situation was due to a prolonged illness and subsequent surgery. Heck, I'm happy to be alive. Geez louise.

[TruthSetsUFree]

Great post, Allegra. I could have written your post and I know many others who could have also.

I don't at all mind the questions "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" as long as people leave it there when I answer in the negative. But if it's followed by a "why?" query I do think that's intrusive and none of their business, just as it's none of my business to ask someone who has children why they had as many as they did, or why they didn't have more, or why in the world they married who they did, etc.

[steve-b]

I feel that if you are asked a personal question you don't wish to discuss, you should reply in a way that is rude. (Hoe else are they going to learn?)

GMTA.