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The rude `When are you having a baby?' question
Mercury News ^ | January 10, 2006 | Dear Abby question

Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom

DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.

In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''

My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?

Childless and happy in Texas

(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society; US: Texas
KEYWORDS: dink; judgmental; nunabusiness; rightonrightcrime; rudepeople; selfishness; smug
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To: wouldntbprudent
It's one thing to "choose" childlessness (though many still regret it later). It's quite another to become childless because you mistakenly thought you could put off the babies until it was more convenient (or whatever).

I'm a 28 year old male and childless. Am I making a mistake because I didn't just go marry and knock up the first girl I dated (who later ended up in an insane asylum, true story...for another day)? I'm not waiting for "convenience," I'm waiting for a suitable partner.

I realize that as a man, I have a larger window (no menopause, etc) but still...

161 posted on 01/11/2006 10:08:39 AM PST by RockinRight (The Republicans Suck Less than the Democrats)
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To: frgoff
The couple who can, but chooses not to have children are the ultimate in selfishness, for they demand that the future pay for their present.

Really? Why is that?

162 posted on 01/11/2006 10:10:25 AM PST by gogeo (Often wrong but seldom in doubt.)
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To: beaversmom

I usually respond to this with someting equally obnoxious like "and give up my crack? NO Way!"


163 posted on 01/11/2006 10:11:13 AM PST by stylecouncilor
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To: beaversmom

I'm a conservative Christian, artist, married, and childless by choice. I'm almost 41. My hubby and I love short visits with little ones in our extended families, but we are admittedly selfish in that we treasure our time alone (together).

I don't get offended when folks ask the questions until they get a judgemental scowl on their faces after about the 4th or 5th question, when I admit that I don't WANT kids.

My mother and MIL are the worst. They get angry and loud about it. When the two of them are together, they all but DEMAND we give them a grandchild!

I think I'd be willing to have a baby if hubby changed his mind within the next year or two, but I honestly don't hear a clock ticking or feel panicked to have a baby. My body is not totally gross, but it isn't that great either, so I'm not trying to hold onto a figure that is not there.

I truly admire anyone who chooses motherhood. I know it is such an awesome responsibility, sacrifice, etc.


164 posted on 01/11/2006 10:12:10 AM PST by Muzzle_em ("Get busy LIVING or get busy dying")
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To: Allegra

Since you're female that would be even more funny than coming from a guy...


165 posted on 01/11/2006 10:15:31 AM PST by RockinRight (The Republicans Suck Less than the Democrats)
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To: beaversmom
Some people aren't happy unless they are miserable and making others the same way. A simple question isn't reason for you to get all twisted out of shape.

You don't want to have kids? Cool. They would probably be as maladjusted and selfish as you. Some children are much better off never being conceived considering the screwed up parents they would inherit.
166 posted on 01/11/2006 10:20:20 AM PST by Dr.Zoidberg (Mohammedism - Bringing you only the best of the 6th century for fourteen hundred years.)
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To: beaversmom
I don't think you have to get hostile at people making an inquiry over something the majority of us do.

Well, you don't have to get hostile if some joker takes it upon himself to question you about the details of your sexual habits, bowel movements, etc. However, it would be perfectly understandable if you did.

I remember hearing about an old school friend who was sent an inquiry about attending the upcoming highschool reunion.

This is why I made sure to give my high school and college a bogus address and phone number. Cuts down on useless invitations to events that conflict with a subsequent engagement, and shuts down one source of telepest calls to boot.

167 posted on 01/11/2006 10:21:49 AM PST by steve-b (A desire not to butt into other people's business is eighty percent of all human wisdom)
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To: Dyslexic Mom
Yes, I get that one a lot too.
168 posted on 01/11/2006 10:23:08 AM PST by CounterCounterCulture
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To: Dr.Zoidberg

I am so thankful for the birthparents who recognize they are not ready to be parents and chose adoption as an option for their child.


169 posted on 01/11/2006 10:23:08 AM PST by pnz1
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To: mewzilla
Indeed. And the latter are more apt to be neglectful and want an increase in government child care services, at taxpayer expense of course.

Of course, if the former aborts as a form of avoiding having children, then that is also appalling.

170 posted on 01/11/2006 10:26:04 AM PST by CounterCounterCulture
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To: Criminal Number 18F
Maybe one can't have kids because of an STD, a botched abortion, or because one is queer as a three-dollar bill... things like that are your business and the world doesn't need to be told about them and really isn't asking for that level of detail -- WTMI!

Hmmm... that's another good way to dispose of such rude personal questions: invent an answer replete with TMI details until the pest flees.

171 posted on 01/11/2006 10:26:47 AM PST by steve-b (A desire not to butt into other people's business is eighty percent of all human wisdom)
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To: Dr.Zoidberg
A simple question isn't reason for you to get all twisted out of shape.

I agree. Just looking at the person and rolling your eyes, or saying "It's none of your business" generally stops unwanted questions or comments.

172 posted on 01/11/2006 10:26:48 AM PST by MEGoody (Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.)
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To: CounterCounterCulture

"if the former aborts as a form of avoiding having children, then that is also appalling."

And the nosey parkers who ask "why don't you have children?" hopefully won't be so appalling themselves as to demand that information!


173 posted on 01/11/2006 10:27:40 AM PST by linda_22003
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To: Allegra

Ain't that the truth. Me too.

:-)

How are you Allegra? I haven't talke to you in an age!


174 posted on 01/11/2006 10:28:31 AM PST by RikaStrom (The number one rule of the Kama Sutra is that you both be on the same page.../Exeter 051705)
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To: gogeo

Actually, in order to be a parallel construction, the question would have to be about you, not your wife.

But don't worry, I have a high tolerance level for rude people, too!


175 posted on 01/11/2006 10:28:35 AM PST by gridlock (It's not really a Circus until Teddy Kennedy gets out of the Clown Car...)
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To: MEGoody

I'm not sure that (regarding infertility at least) that people who have not experienced it really understand how hard it is to deal with for a lot of people. They may ask questions not understanding that it is hard to talk about.


176 posted on 01/11/2006 10:28:36 AM PST by pnz1
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To: pnz1
As am I.

There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than a person who screws around, gets pregnant(as a couple) and then murders a child just to clean up a mistake. Birth control by the blade is evil and those who do it are less than animals in my view.

If you aren't up to being a parent, don't f*ck around. If you do and get caught, don't compound your mistake by butchering an innocent.

There are many out there who would love to adopt a baby, any baby.
177 posted on 01/11/2006 10:31:15 AM PST by Dr.Zoidberg (Mohammedism - Bringing you only the best of the 6th century for fourteen hundred years.)
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To: Allegra

Sister!

I've had the same idiot question asked over and over....

Even had a lecture once from someone I barely knew about if I didn't have children, I'd die old and alone (thankyouverymuch idiot!)

Mine situation was due to a prolonged illness and subsequent surgery. Heck, I'm happy to be alive. Geez louise.


178 posted on 01/11/2006 10:31:56 AM PST by najida (When I'm good, I'm very very good, and when I'm bad, things get broken.)
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To: Allegra

Great post, Allegra. I could have written your post and I know many others who could have also.

I don't at all mind the questions "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" as long as people leave it there when I answer in the negative. But if it's followed by a "why?" query I do think that's intrusive and none of their business, just as it's none of my business to ask someone who has children why they had as many as they did, or why they didn't have more, or why in the world they married who they did, etc.


179 posted on 01/11/2006 10:35:03 AM PST by TruthSetsUFree
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To: Oztrich Boy
I feel that if you are asked a personal question you don't wish to discuss, you should reply in a way that is rude. (Hoe else are they going to learn?)

GMTA.

180 posted on 01/11/2006 10:36:09 AM PST by steve-b (A desire not to butt into other people's business is eighty percent of all human wisdom)
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