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The rude `When are you having a baby?' question
Mercury News ^ | January 10, 2006 | Dear Abby question

Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom

DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.

In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''

My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?

Childless and happy in Texas

(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society; US: Texas
KEYWORDS: dink; judgmental; nunabusiness; rightonrightcrime; rudepeople; selfishness; smug
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To: beaversmom
She right and probably very happy. Its people who feel children are the right thing to do, or the next phase of life that make the worst parents. Child care is a full time job, best done by people who really, really, want to do it. Not by people who are fulfilling life's next phase, or yielding to assurances from others that it will be one big happy experience.
Unless, of course, one is Catholic and compelled by liturgy.
81 posted on 01/11/2006 3:55:16 AM PST by anton
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To: beaversmom

Greetings beaversmom:

Life is all about decisions. One can choose to be offended by the baby question, or one can choose to be engaged in a pleasant conversation which began with the baby question.

Cheers,
OLA


82 posted on 01/11/2006 4:01:52 AM PST by OneLoyalAmerican (Even if your mother says she loves you, check it out.)
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To: Allegra

When asked if I have children, I usually pause and then with as thoughtful a look as possible, answer haltingly, "I...I don't think so." It usually gets a double-take and then a laugh, and the conversation moves on.


83 posted on 01/11/2006 4:05:56 AM PST by Clioman
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To: All
How about the always pleasant "Oh, my GAWD! You're so skinny! You need to gain some weight! Even just a little... Here, you can have some of mine. Some questions and/or statements are not only aggravating for the millionth time, but seem to be acceptable by the 'not thinking' public. Not everyone wants someone to bring up their mistakes and/or personal choices a dozen times a day. It just gets old. If someone has a broken arm, you don't come up to them every couple of hours and pound them on the shoulder or arm just to say hi. A caring person should learn that they've made a mistake, apologize sweetly, move on and remember not to do it again. That said, I had an aunt and uncle that had no children while the rest of the (large) family had a couple apiece. I was told once by my mother that they didn't know why and I let it alone. You just don't need to be nosy.
84 posted on 01/11/2006 4:07:13 AM PST by Dyslexic Mom
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To: beaversmom

My tag line says it all.................


85 posted on 01/11/2006 4:07:17 AM PST by joe fonebone (Thin skinned people make me sick!!!)
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I'm a consertative. I'm not Lesbo. I have two wonderful, grown children but there are many times I think that if I knew then what I know now, I'd never have had children.

The weariness, the worrying, the expense, the teenage years.... on and on. I love them dearly but at times I'm envious of my sister who married and never had any. I call her "Oh Wise One"


86 posted on 01/11/2006 4:10:28 AM PST by Mayflower Sister (DEMOCRAT: THE PARTY OF COWARDS AND TRAITORS)
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To: adamsjas
Translation: we're too self centered to have children. Its all about US.

Who does more harm? The couple who doesn't want kids and doesn't have them? Or the couple who doesn't want kids and has them anyway?

And BTW, there are other reasons for couples being childless besides selfishness. Folks should never assume.

87 posted on 01/11/2006 4:11:05 AM PST by mewzilla (Property must be secured or liberty cannot exist. John Adams)
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To: Clioman
I usually pause and then with as thoughtful a look as possible, answer haltingly, "I...I don't think so." It usually gets a double-take and then a laugh, and the conversation moves on.

I love it! With your permission, I'd like to steal that.

Now I can't wait for someone to ask me that again. ;-)

88 posted on 01/11/2006 4:16:27 AM PST by Allegra (Ooooops....I've Done It Again...)
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To: Dallas59
I'd turn around and ask the unknown person if they have had their colon cleaned out lately.

I am going to have to make a note of that.

I did tell one particularly Nosy Parker, "Because I have seen yours," in answer to the "why?" question.

89 posted on 01/11/2006 4:16:29 AM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (Proud member of the Free Republic Humility Club. We are twice as humble as you are.)
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To: mewzilla
And BTW, there are other reasons for couples being childless besides selfishness. Folks should never assume.

Thank you.

Some of the narrow-minded, judgmental, "if you're not exactly like me, you're wrong" attitudes on this thread are appalling.

90 posted on 01/11/2006 4:19:02 AM PST by Allegra (Ooooops....I've Done It Again...)
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To: Harmless Teddy Bear
I did tell one particularly Nosy Parker, "Because I have seen yours," in answer to the "why?" question.

Oh, I'm getting some good material here! LOL

91 posted on 01/11/2006 4:19:57 AM PST by Allegra (Ooooops....I've Done It Again...)
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To: Harmless Teddy Bear
I did tell one particularly Nosy Parker, "Because I have seen yours," in answer to the "why?" question.

Oh, I'm getting some good material here! LOL

92 posted on 01/11/2006 4:20:09 AM PST by Allegra (Ooooops....I've Done It Again...)
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To: CounterCounterCulture; Allegra

Dittos. Good post.


93 posted on 01/11/2006 4:22:11 AM PST by rintense
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To: Dyslexic Mom

Some of it is cultural. Around here (Nashville, TN), newcomers are aghast when they find out that it is NOT considered rude to ask someone what church they attend. OTOH, it takes people a while to learn the "Nashville wave". When in traffic, if someone lets you over, you are expected to wave to the other person as a way of thanking them. Anything else is considered rude.

So I don't think these rules are universal.

Also, you don't know stupid questions till you've adopted children from overseas (of a different race). It is the norm for adoptive parents to get all in a huff over these questions, but my wife and I made a decision early on that we would NOT teach our kids to be perpetually offended. We just smile, and answer as best we can. Some examples:

When my son was 2 years old, and my daughter a little over a year, someone (who knew we adopted them as infants) asked "Do they speak English?"

We frequently get asked "How much did they cost?"

I've taught my kids to say, when they get a certain look because they have asian faces and southern accents, "I was born in SOUTH Korea."

The only one we can't let go is when someone says something derogatory about their birth mother IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. We feel it's important to defend their birth mother vigorously, but politely.

The proudest parental moment I've had so far was this summer. My son (9) was standing next to me, and a kid about 4 years old walked up to him and asked him where he was from. My boy, calmly and matter of factly, asked him, "Do you mean where I live, or where I was born?" It was hard not to tear up.


94 posted on 01/11/2006 4:26:02 AM PST by Warren_Piece (Three-toed sloth)
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To: Paulus
And that's what makes questions like these inappropriate. Years ago when I was young a foolish, I remember saying to a co-worker, 'so when are you going to have a baby?', she snapped back 'when I'm ready. When are you?' It wasn't until later that I found out she and her husband had been trying for a while and ultimately couldn't have children.

I have never asked that question again. Nor will I.

Some people just don't understand that there are reasons- medical, choice or otherwise- that people do not have children.

95 posted on 01/11/2006 4:26:19 AM PST by rintense
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To: beaversmom

When somebody this self-absorbed gets this offended, it is usually because somebody is pointing out something in them that they know, deep down, is wrong. Otherwise, why get offended?

Her friends are trying to encourage her to have a baby because they know that this is a joyful thing, and they want to share their happiness. Of course, it sounds like Happy in Texas could make even this miserable.

People who call themselves "Happy" are like those 6-foot-5 three-hundred pound guys who call themselves "Tiny".


96 posted on 01/11/2006 4:27:07 AM PST by gridlock
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To: beaversmom

My bet is she'll want one when it's too late for her to have her own... and settle for adoption. I also bet her 'partner' jumps-ship when this happens.


97 posted on 01/11/2006 4:28:11 AM PST by johnny7 (“Iuventus stultorum magister”)
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To: rintense

I agree.......
My favorite respose to questions that are none of their business is " Why do you ask ? "
That usually works, if not, I tell them, "quite frankly, it's none of your business"


98 posted on 01/11/2006 4:30:06 AM PST by Jeffrey_D.
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To: Allegra

I was at a party and one of the women asked my friend why she didn't have anymore children (she had one). When given an answer, she replied, 'but your children are beautiful! You should have more.' For some reason, I thought that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. So did my friend.


99 posted on 01/11/2006 4:30:12 AM PST by rintense
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To: Jeffrey_D.

Yep. It really is nobody's business.


100 posted on 01/11/2006 4:31:29 AM PST by rintense
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