Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
TABLE SAW: A rotating disk useful for launching pieces of wood at your midsection at high velocity.
Deciding he might better try it out first, he pointed it at a piece of material leaning against the wall.
He hit the air release and to his surprise, the ball bearing went right through the material and the cinder block wall.
Also flings a Vodka toddy across the room.
BTW, I'm still laughing my head off (there's a tool that will help me reinstall it....can't remember which tool, but it's in the shop somewhere). ;)
we used to send 'em looking for a "sky hook".
The Johnson Bar.....for extracting the best laid plans.
long handled shovel. device for keeping utility company employees vertical.
"sky hook".
I fell for that my first night working as a bouncer.
I asked the manager where to find the "sky hook" and he looked me in the eye and just shook his head.
By the way I'm the most gullible person on the planet.
Ever notice how when you only have one drill bit of that size, it always breaks off when you need it most, yet the same bit will grab and fling three foot of bar stock into your chest while you are holding it.
Yep, it happens. Took me from a 36B to a 34. har har ;)
or relative bearings
...BTW...EXACTLY what a club needs...a gullible bouncer, LOL!!!! "Yeah, I'm with Paris Hilton...yeah, that's the ticket...."
ping
Where I grew up helpers in the way were sent to retrieve board stretchers and sky hooks.
We used to send them to get a can of WD40 and K9P.
I'm still trying to figure out what a skyhook is - from my first overnight scouting trip fifty years ago......
"... Suspecting this could be dangerous..."
Hold muh beer.... ;) LOL, I about choked on a Pringle reading that.
I carried the romex cable and drilled the studs. My boss sent me out to his truck to fetch a cable stretcher since it appeared that the cable wouldn't reach the junction box! I spent an hour rummaging in his truck looking for that darn cable stretcher!!!
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