Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
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I was using a screw driver hammer just this afternoon. I used it to knock a battery cable down on the terminal. I also regularly use a half inch ratchet hammer.
Never having taken shop (Catholic schools), I was smart enough to use a small c-clamp to hold the wood, and keep
my fingers out of the way.
The blade grabbed the wood, wedging it against the table, and proceeded to propel the saw up the wood, finally
hitting the clamp, and stopping dead. I turned it off, removed the piece, and turned it back on to see if I did
any damage.
The saw started shaking. I turned it off, and removed dust cover, noting that the elbow was missing.
Any way, the c-clamp took out a dozen or so teeth, remarkably throwing some out the dust exhaust, knocking
off the elbow.
I thought something went whizzing by my head...
So, while I didn't know enough to tighten the saw, I knew enough to fashion a jig.
(It was also an excuse to buy a few other toys.)
Only if you hit arabs with it.
"25. Hands - used to see if two wires are conducting electricity."
I've seen more than one electrician test 110v by wetting 2 fingers, same hand, and seeing if they are hot by touching them.
Don't try it with a finger on each hand, it will kill you!
Or a bucket of steam.
Oh, I saw a home improvement show last summer where this cute little chickadee was wielding a nail gun to frame up a door way. I thought she was holding it in a precarious fashion, and was thinking she could easily shoot a nail through the board into her arm.
They cut next to here holding a bloody rag on her arm, waiting for the ambulance!
Don't forget the arc start for the welder, you know, it's in the Green can.
Have you ever hunted snipe?
Specialization is for insects.
I actually own a metric crescent wrench, it has a 200 mm length...
Not a joke, either, you should see people's faces when I tell them they grabbed the wrong adjustable! :)
gets em every time, some people actually put it back in the tool bag!
Voltmeter (aka multimeter): Device used to test the voltage of dead batteries; it normally has dead batteries itself.
Wait, maybe I shouldn't have answered that.
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If you found it, it won't go any further than me.
That is a secondary use for that tool. It is correctly known as a "Crescent Hammer"
"it normally has dead batteries itself"
I always have at least one 6 pack of 9v batteries in my truck boxes for just such occurances.
Crap like that is why my truck boxes and contents weigh 1500#
2 cross boxes and 2 side boxes crammed full and the tool that you want is always on the bottom!
Ain't kiddin' there. Neighbor's garage was there one day, wasn't there the next. Go figure. Heck of a way to turn a fine antique pickup truck into an insurance check.
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