51st Way to Leave Your Lover

Special to FreeRepublic ^ | 26 November 2005 | John Armor (Congressman Billybob)

[Congressman Billybob]

My wife, Kemberly, has left. That’s ordinary enough. It happens a few million times a year, assuming that half of all American divorces are the wife’s idea. But this is about the why, not the what, of that decision.

The why is unique, and extraordinary. If I were she, and she were I, I would do the same thing. (Work on it. That sentence is grammatically correct.)

My wife has been offered the job of Head Chef of a new restaurant out of town, to be built and run to her specifications. To that you say, well, some commuter marriages work. Not this time. The restaurant is a few miles outside Pago Pago in American Samoa. And that is 8,000 miles from my home in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Our situation raises an interesting philosophical question. Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along?

Here’s our story. The Internet recounted its beginning, so it’s appropriate it should recount its end. We began with serendipity, a Newsweek recommendation of my column that brought me together with a lady from Indiana who read it. We end with serendipity, also.

Anyone with skills as a chef, and manager, and caterer, would jump at the opportunity to run a brand-new, four-star restaurant, if such an opening came to his/her attention. A fair number of you are closet chefs. You watch the Food Network. You think maybe you could chuck your humdrum day job and build a satisfying future with a special food product, or a brand-new restaurant. You know who you are. I saw you smile.

But opportunities like that aren’t advertised in the paper. Like much else which appears in the newspapers, things aren’t what they claim. You can rest assured that a help wanted ad that says it offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime,” doesn’t.

Here’s the story behind this story. Back in June, Kem made a business trip to American Samoa. The population is about 67,000, but of those the ones who come from mainland US or other nations are a smaller group and everyone knows everybody. When anyone new shows up, the residents get to know him/her promptly. It’s the equivalent of waiting for the stage in the American West a century ago.

Anyway, it turns out that a group of businessmen were interested in creating a new, four-star restaurant near Pago Pago. They knew what they wanted, but not who would do it. Enter a talented woman from North Carolina. Everybody invites each other in that group home for dinner. (There ain’t a lot of nighttime entertainment in Samoa.)

So, the folks on the island found out that Kem is a fine cook. They also found out that she knows her way around commercial equipment and management for kitchens, and multiple styles of cooking from many nations. To make a long story short, she had an opportunity to become Head Chef, and partner, with full creative control.

She looked at three possible locations for the restaurant, two for new construction and one a mansion with wrap-around porches overlooking the Pacific. Think of the architecture and environment described in Somerset Maugham’s famous short story, “Rain.” He was living on Samoa when he wrote that.

Kem has not described to me how long it took her to consider this offer that came out of the blue. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings worse by telling me that her delay was measured in nanoseconds rather than days or weeks. In any event, she returned to North Carolina, and immediately told me the good news (or bad news, depending on your viewpoint).

I understood right away how incredible this opportunity was for her, and why she wanted to accept it. So, instead of getting hysterical, I’ve worked with her on such details as getting a long-term, no-cut contract, and possible copyright issues with the name of the restaurant. So there you have it; probably the most extraordinary reason for the end of a marriage that you’ve ever heard.

Will I miss Kem? You bet. Do I wish her well? Absolutely. Since many readers of my columns are friends of both of us, drop her a line care of my address and I’ll get it to her. And if you’re in Pago Pago in about 14 months, look her up at the club, have “a Thanksgiving dinner that can’t be beat,” and say hello.

About the Author: John Armor is a First Amendment attorney and author who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. John_Armor@aya.yale.edu

[Blackirish]

A few years ago I had a great job and wife in Fla. Well the company went under so I had to pack up and move home to Chicago. My wife decided to stay in Fla. with her family.

So I lost my wife I loved and career at the same time. It sucked to be me.

After 3 tough years....I couldn't even find a job waiting tables... I was in the right place ..right time...I'm making more money then ever and I have a hot French girlfriend........never give up.

[andyk]

Like a couple others here, I don't think it was true love if you're both allowing it to end like this. It's nonsensical.

[hosepipe]

[ Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along? ]

Hmmm.. If she could leave(for good) for a better opportunity and did then she is better off and so are you.. Cause the marraige was just a convenience.. and merely got inconvenient..

It gets better than that(marriage).. A gold plated bidet is just a portal to a sewer.. sitting on one can fool some people into thinking they have finally arrived.. and the question arrived where?.. never seems to cross their minds at the time..

On the otherhand working there for a year or two could add to her credentials immensely.. then she could quit and get a good job AT HOME..

[silverspurs]

Sad.

"..for better, for worse..."

Nothing in there about chefs et al... (And I am a closet chef....)

Sorry, for her. Sorrow, for him.

[IronJack]

Why end the marriage? Only you two know if it's strong enough to withstand the distance. You both sound like conscientious adults; give it a chance.

[Poser]

UGH! Losing a wife and a chef at the same time! That's awful!

Now the important question: Tomato based BBQ sauce or mustard, brown sugar and vinegar? Inquiring minds want to know.

Sorry for your loss.

[Dark Skies]

Do you have a recipe for "Estranged Wife Samoan Deelight...with pineapple, fava beans, and a nice Chianti?"

"Serves 40-60 perhaps?"

[SweetCaroline]

SAD BUMP :^(

[i_dont_chat]

So many questions, so little time.

Where you invited to join her?

Instead of jumping to divorce, why didn't you try a "long distance" marriage? I bet the homecomings would be great.

This would be the start of something wonderful for you both.

Why the defeatist attitude?

[Sundog]

Oh Man, Billybob,

This is right up there with Rush going deaf.

I hope some miracle comes along for you so that your heart strings can be mended.

Sorry to hear, I am such a fan of yours.

[newberger]

John,

I don't care what you have written. This story lays bare the fact that you have subscribed to the values that are destroying our culture.

You both break sacred vows for a job??????

This is a dark day for FreeRepublic!

With grief,

Paul (aka Newberger)

[HitmanLV]

Work related stuff just aren't that important to me. That's one reason I started my own business, so it goes where I go and I wouldn't be subject to the whim of a boss that upsets my lifestyle.

I also made the decision to start my own biz so I could make more money, have more flexibility, etc. So there were many reasons.

While I rely on clients for a living, I turn away about 10-15% of potential clients if I feel I can't help them, if I freely nobody can help them, or if I just don't want to work with them based on a variety of things (lack or rapport, a bad feeling about them, whatever). This has a strange effect of angering some people but it's turned out to be great marketing for me, too.

About once every two years I get a call from a large east-coast law firm who find me and want to find out what it would take for me to come and train their entire staff: a month or two in NYC or Boston. I politely turn them down. Truth is, nobody can pay me that much for leaving LV for a couple of months, setting up shop in an obnoxious firm, and spending a couple of months training obnoxious ingrates who ask too many questions and, on balance, tend to enjoy challenging me more than learning.

I'm that rare breed that doesn't like a challenge and likes to make a lot of money with the least work possible.

That being said, there are many people who would look at the offers of interest as a 'chance of a lifetime.' For me, it's an annoyance. Actually, a person who would look at a busines opportunity as having such a different world view and set of values than me that I wouldn't weant to cultivate a relationship with them. In fact, I have bluntly mentioned on FR that I don't even like to get involved with women who work a crazy amount of hours at their job - I like a woman who has a more free schedule so we can enjoy time together, not count on a call at 6:30pm almost daily to tell me she is working late because the legal brief has to go out on Friday, and she will be pulling an all nighter.

Too much of that and I'm pulling an all nighter with somebody else. I applaud people who reject romantic interests who expect or demand a lopsided relationship. There are too many good people out there to have to settle with a person going for that brass ring.

And lets face it, even many of the greatest jobs on a hypothetical level become quite sucky on a day to day basis. Anybody who prefers this over a loving mate is, put simply, no mate of mine.

[BibChr]

Your priorities are whacked, dude.

Sounds like not just priorities, and not just him, and not just whacked.

Otherwise, I agree.

Dan
Biblical Christianity BLOG

[calex59]

Of all the stupid reasons to break up a marriage, a business opportunity is the stupidest. This type of scenario has been done to death by the libs in movie after movie and TV sitcoms brain washing the American public into thinking that love is something we should discard if the choice between love and business(read money) comes up.

I would never leave someone for this reason. Of course if she wanted to leave me for so shallow a reason I would say good riddance because if she didn't love me anymore than she loved being a chef(or exec. etc.) then I wouldn't want her.

The forgoing is my opinion, and you did ask. I feel sorry for you both, but for the her I feel the most sorrow, she will some day realize what she gave up for a business opp.

[HitmanLV]

It's not about being a chef or not. You can substitute that for anything, really.

It's about aligned values and worldviews. In this case, the couple doesn't have them - it's a feature of both their personalities, and not one person's fault or the other's.

[BibChr]

Unless I missed something, it took 52 posts for someone to say what you did -- and that, at a CONSERVATIVE web site.

Now, that is sad!

(Also, see my #54.)

Dan

[HitmanLV]

I'm a hell of a cook, but nope I don't have that recipe.

[papasmurf]

You call that a marriage? I didn't see the word "love" anywhere but in the title.

I'm sorry, Congressman Billybob, but you guys have deeper issues than a waiting job.

What about love, commitment, getting old together?

But, heck, I shouldn't be so harsh, I can see you're all broken up over this./s

...and I thought my marriage was rough :O)


:O)

P