That thought consoles people, but the evidence really doesn't support it. Kids don't really care how their parents feel about each other. They care how their parents feel about THEM. And the way you show you love them is to stay with them no matter what.
One point that I remember from another books about divorce, was that even when the divorce was for survival reasons - spousal abuse, drug addiction, promiscuous infidelity - it was still very difficult for young children to understand.
You can't explain, "He contracted HIV from sleeping around with trash of mixed gender," to a 7-year-old. All the child understands is that one parent is gone, he's probably had to move away from his school and his friends, his mother has no money, etc.
Well madprof....I don't think I agree.
Loving the children's mother or father is essential for the healthy nurturing of the child. Mostly we learn to love from our parents love for us and their love for each other.
My wife's family had a great deal of criticism of the mother and it really screwed up the kids. Whenever I'd visit the #1 phrase I'd hear was, "Aw Ma!"
The father was always belittling her in front of the kids and they learned to do it too. It affected the whole household's attitude toward each other.
The daughters grew up determined not to let anything like that ever happen to them....and I married one of them...very defensive at any criticism.
Dont know that I agee with you about the way to show children that you love them, is to stay with them no matter what....
I worked for a woman who was married to a very abusive man...she remained married to him, as both parents were Catholic, married in the Catholic Church, and did not believe in divorce, for any reason...
But this man regularly beat my boss up, and when he got tired of smacking her around, he started in on the two boys...Now, ,this was during the mid 1960s and I dont know if even the police would have intervened in this mess...
One nite, he started in beating up this woman...then he physically picked her up, and threw her out of the house, keeping the two boys inside...she ran to her parents, seeking help, and fearing what had happened to the boys...shortly after that, the two boys appeared..apparently they heard their mom being thrown out, and quickly dressed, hoping to try to escape through a window, which they did successfully...but my boss says that when they arrived at her parents house, the younger boy, much shorter and thinner, than the older oby, was dressed in his older brothers clothes, and the older boy had crammed himself into his younger brothers clothes...the sight of her two boys, scared to death, ,crying, and dressed in each others clothing, ,convinced her, that regardless of what the Catholic Church thought, enough was enough, ,and she was going to get a divorce...
Which she did...both she and her boys did have to have intense therapy, but seemed to be managing and making progress...then she met a wonderful man, who loved her and her boys...she married him, and they remained married for decades...and her two boys, were ever thankful, that she took them out of that horrible situation, where she and they were regularly were beaten and abused by a man who thought of them as nothing more than punching bags...I dont think that either the wife of the children ever believed this man loved them, as much as he abused them...
Of course, not all cases of family problems, or dysfunction are as extreme...and I do think that many people do divorce for the most trival and ridiculous of reasons...
But I just dont believe that we can make a blanket statement, that kids always benefit from the parents remaining together..sometimes the parents staying together causes greater harm to the children...
So very true.
I don't know if you can take a general statement, "most kids" , and make it specific to a particular kid. There are miserable kids from intact homes and wonderful kids from miserable non intact homes.
There is such a thing as showing too much love...smothering....holding them back.....ruining their lives.