Nothing New In Ubersexual (El Rushbo Comes Out Of The Closet Alert)

RUSH: Folks, have you heard the new term "ubersexual"? Snerdley, you've heard it? I just heard it for the first time today. I know that there's metrosexual and heterosexual and homosexual, bisexual, animal sexual, trisexual, and all that, but I've not heard of ubersexual. Let me tell you what ubersexual is. Well, first, Snerdley, you tell me what you think it is. Oh, well, then! He says he doesn't know what it is, but (interruption). Okay, all you've done is heard the term. All right. Well, the definition for this -- we got three audio sound bites. Grab 15, 16 and 17 there, Mike. This is from the PR Newswire. So that should -- somebody is trying to create a new word here. Headline: "Bono, the Ultimate Ubersexual. Advertising Giant JWT Names Top Ten Ubersexuals - Men Who Ooze M-ness, Self-Awareness, and Self-Confidence (and Almost Always Get the Girl)." That's an ubersexual, and "J. Walter Thompson, the world's oldest advertising agency and the largest agency in America, has named the top ten men it defines as ubersexuals. These are men who embrace the positive aspects of their masculinity or M-ness (e.g., confidence, leadership, passion, compassion) without giving in to the stereotypes that give guys a bad name (e.g., disrespect toward women, emotional emptiness, complete ignorance of anything cultural outside of sports, beer, burgers, and athletic shoes). Marian Salzman, Executive Vice President, Director of Strategic Content, JWT Worldwide, points to ubersexuals in her new book, The Future of Men, as a significant segment of the young male demographic that advertisers and marketers too often overlook." Too often overlook? Too often overlook? There isn't one commercial on an NFL game that has anything to do with anybody who's over 12, including the beer spots. Anyway, let's go to the audio sound bites here because you'll find out who these people are. I mean, I've got the list here. Let's see what happens on the audio sound bites first. Who is this? Al Roker is interviewing Marian Salzman of JWT and Ira Matathia. They are the authors of this book, The Future of Men. Al Roker asks them, "What is an ubersexual?"

MATATHIA: Excellence in everything. Fine wine, good cigars, understanding the finer things. That's sort of quintessentially it.

SALZMAN: An ubersexual is actually that much more macho. He's more willing to go out with other guys for dinner. He doesn’t care what people think. He's not worried that people think he's gay. He knows he's straight, and that's all that matters.

RUSH: Gee. 'Til they got to there they were talking about me! I always worry if people are going to think I'm gay. Well, no, look it, fine wine, good cigars? That's me. Understanding the finer things, confident, rather go out with the guys for dinner, doesn't care what people think? Man, that's me. Let's keep going. So Roker says, "You like the people they selected on the lists. You like Bono. You have Bill Clinton, George Clooney. Are these the classic ubersexual men?"

SANTAGATTI: In Hollywood, when you become famous, you're pampered a little bit too much and you can lose your ubersexuality. You gotta make sure you don't get too many facials, too many manicures, and you carry your own luggage every now and then.

HUGHES: What women really want is the great guy. If you read what the ubermale [sexual?] is really supposed to be, I think Bono fits, because not only is he madly in love with his wife, capable to keep up a commitment, he's passionate about causes. He's outside of himself.

RUSH: Here's the last question here. Roker says, "Final definition, what is an ubersexual?" He already asked that. Let's see what answer they give him this time.

SANTAGATTI: To keep it simple, the bottom line is, he's gotta be a provider. He's gotta be a woman -- a guy that a woman can rely on.

HUGHES: No, the bottom line is an ubersexual is a guy that -- that has a capability to be trusted, who's honest, who is respectful, and can make you a priority.

RUSH: You know, it just never ceases to amaze me. There's nothing new in any of this. In fact, this is what men were before feminism came along and neutered them! Feminism came along and neutered men. Men weren't supposed to be any of that. They were supposed to be sensitive or be in touch with the feminine side, and these liberal women married these guys and turned them into actual wimps, and, you know, the feminist movement's imploding, and women in the feminist movement want what is now being called the new man, the "ubersexual," which is simply what a man was before they came along and started changing basic human nature. Now, here is the list. You know what else amazes me about this? I don't care how long you live, how old you are, when in human history you lived, it seems like people are obsessed and preoccupied with finding the perfect mate. Does it not? I mean, they're writing advice books. The women magazines are writing advice books for 75-year-old women on how to find your perfect mate. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just so universal. Here's the list. Number ten on a list of ubersexuals is Jon Stewart. Number nine is Guy Ritchie. Number eight is Pierce Brosnan. Number seven is Ewan McGregor. Number six is Barack Obama. Number five is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Number four is Donald Trump. Number three is Bill Clinton. Number two is George Clooney, and number one is Bono -- and they have descriptions why each of these guys qualify.

Which one are you most curious about, Mr. Snerdley? Of the top ten that I read here that you'd like to know why they are ubersexuals? Which one? Trump? Okay, here's what they say about Trump: "Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money." Is this what feminism has become? None of that was supposed to matter. That was supposed to turn off. All of that was supposed to be a turn off, right, Dawn? All of it, especially the money, because you were to provide for yourself and you weren't supposed to be dependent. Who else? How does Guy Ritchie get on this list? He can't even make a movie that people want to watch. He married Madonna. Well, you can call it "marrying up." Guy Ritchie: "His masculinity is unquestioned even though he's married to one of the world's top music icons. (In fact, gravitating toward strong women tends to be an uber trait.)" Pierce Brosnan, Ewan McGregor. Who is Ewan McGregor? Was he in one of the new Star Wars movies or something? I don't even know who he is. Okay. Barack Obama. Okay, let's see what they say about Barack Obama. "At the DNC, he managed to marry sentimental love of family with a new face of patriotism. And he looks sharp in a suit." Oh, wow. Well, man, turn me on! Dazzle me with blindness. That qualifies Barack Obama, and here Schwarzenegger. Now, I love Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't misunderstand, but the LA Times, all these babes that he's out there pinching and groping and so forth, lawsuits and stuff? Well, that's what they're saying. It's the same type of people that now put him on the list. "He journeyed from body builder to mega movie star to politician, all the while keeping his shoes buffed and hair in place. He has succeeded in every challenge he's faced, and he has a Kennedy for a wife." No, no, no, no. It's not just rich or powerful. You've got to be, aside from Schwarzenegger -- well, Trump too -- you've got to be lib. Jon Stewart: "[O]utspoken without regard to what other people think (as evidenced by his skewering his hosts during this year's Advertising Week). He is supportive of women and pokes fun at himself in a self-deprecating way."

We're being led to believe here that these are all unique traits that only these ten guys have these traits, and these traits are nothing special. Pokes fun at himself? Outspoken without regard to what other people think? George Clooney "appreciates the finer things in life (including his villa on the shores of Lake Como), and he is strongly bonded with and loyal to a cadre of male friends. His timeless image has allowed him to rise from B-sitcoms to box-office hits, some of which he's directed and/or produced," and Bono: "He's global, socially aware, confident, and compassionate, and he commands a huge base of followers who are fans of his music -- and his humanitarianism. Is it any wonder rumors are swirling about a Nobel Peace Prize?"

The Code of the RETROSEXUAL man :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "*****" in the title. Example..."***** Eye for the Straight Guy" The censor took care of this 'un...

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is cussing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i. e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

The first known recorded ubersexual in the literal meaning of the word was one Enkidu from Gilgamesh epic, about 5000 years ago. He was a "wild man" and to tame him a bit they offered to him certain hierodule [temple prostitute] Shamash as a bait. Well, he took the bait and they were coupling without breaks for seven says and seven nights [168 hours - in pre-Viagran epoch, no less!]. Thus he became an ubersexual benchmark, and the record is still standing.

That was the record?

Heck, I broke that record easily with my first wife when I was in my twenties.

I'm working on breaking it again with my fifth wife now that I am in my fifties.

I started to move to Utah and marry two twenty-year olds, but I realized that I wasn't wired for 220.

Wow, looking at my life experiences, I realize that I am obviously an ULTRA-ubersexual.

No, really, I'm not kidding you ......really!

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