Most awful movies (in celebration of Hollywood's fourth declining revenue year in a row)

9/28/05 | ltn72

[pabianice]

Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.

So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:

Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure

Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!

Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.

Examples:

Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe

Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen

"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense

“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior

"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!

Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds

"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots

Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level

[Betis70]

"Mars Attacks" seems to be one of those movies that people either hate with a passion or really love.

I happen to really love it.

"You gave up pork?"

[PigRigger]

Titanic. This film was a disaster (get it?). 1997 was a bad year for film if this was its best. Again Leo DiCaprio can't act....

How about The Beach?.......Man that was a fantastic movie...laughed through the whole thing, especially when he had his Apocalypse Now moment.....

[Skooz]

And the overhyped, excruciatingly boring Tina Tuner as the "Acid Queen......" Man, that was brutal.

Brutal.

[MplsSteve]

I haven't seen 'The Hollywood Knights' since sometime back in the early 80's.

Now that was a classic movie! Lots of laughs too.

[Sensei Ern]

Blair WItch, the first one, was boring, but the last scene was definately worth it. Not because of the movie, but because of the reaction of the crowd. Those who saw it know what I am talking about...the basement scene. One guy in the audience freaked out..."OH HELL NO!" he stood up, screamed and then fell into the seat crying like a baby, having just has the crap sacared out of him.

[uncbob]

I would respectfully disagree. In "A Few Good Men," the military was portrayed as, for the most part, an ethical institution (Cruise, Bacon, both the younger marines, Moore and Pollack) that was capable of weeding out the corrupt colonel. The only area where I think it strayed into typical liberal agitprop was the need to make Keifer Sutherland's psycho Lt. into a born again Christian.

NOT SO

The true military types ( ya know the ones that do the fighting and dying ) all looked bad--Nicholson was a paranoid--Platoon leader was an automaton --and the one officer didn't have the character neede so he shot himself_- Only military that looked good were the LAWYERS in uniform

Blacks were pictured as heroic or ethical -- the judge and one in the platoon

White males were either the bad guys -Colonel-Lieutenant --and the one pvt in the squad who was a dim bulb who couldn't do anything right unless the Black guy helped him --Crusie was a go along to get along who only cared about softball UNTIL Demi Moore gave him a backbone

At Least you got the Born again Christian slur right

Notice none of the baddies were black --They could have made the prosecuting attorney blac and the judge white

[T Minus Four]

Cat 1: Batman Begins

[geopyg]

"She peaked early in her career (Santa Claus Conquers The Martians). From there on, it's all been downhill."

I'm trying to think of a similar movie that had a very young model in it. Can't remember the model (a dark haired lingerie/clothes model - very famous, probably peaked 10 years ago). But it cracked me up because here is this unbelievably gorgeaus woman, and she opens her mouth to speak and it was this high-pitched squeaky voice!

Saw it on MST3K a few years ago. (Are they still around?)

[Syco]

Agreed, though I think Johnny Depp is a great actor. Wierd, but great.

[Skooz]

Yep. I know exactly what you're saying.

"The World the Flesh and the Devil" with Harry Belafonte was one of mine.

[Hildy]

Just for clarification, I didn't say it was THE BEST movie of all time, I said it was my FAVORITE movie.

[najida]

OMIGOD!

Ya know, I can see why a teen would just love this movie...but to an adult, eewwwww!

[Romish_Papist]

Anything with Bill Paxton in it is pretty much destined to suck. That man is about as good an actor as an old urinal cake.

[Syco]

It is SO great to finally see someone who feels the same way about Finding Nemo. We walked out, though primarily because it was way too hyper for our kids. My two year old started freaking out when that wierd fish at the bottom of the canyon (with the glowing appendage) started chasing Nemo's dad. This film is so over-rated it's scary.

[Sprite518]

That movie was a classic along with Fast Times at Ridgemond High. However, I will not view it anymore because of Sean I am an idiot Penn..

[Syco]

I miss that show with a passion. It was so great, and yes, it is sorely needed today.

[Jack Deth]

Class 1/ "The Green Slime": Went with my family to the Chillum Drive-In for a Dusk to Dawn Show. "Slime" is one of the worst 1960s Italian/American pieces of really bad Sci-Fi.

Also "The Paper Chase": Saw it with my girlfriend and kept wondering why I was there. Since I knew as a teen that college wasn't going to be in the cards. Especially with a Professor like John Houseman.... "The Sterile Cuckoo" was so much better!

Class 2/ "X-Tro": Bought it on a whim and a brief review in "Twilight Zone" magazine. Should have saved my money.

Also, the little known "The Spook Who sat By The Door". A great novel about a black CIA agent who resigns a few years after training. Returns to Harlem and begins training (With or without his superiors aegis) black gang members on the finer arts of sniping, bombs and other insurgencies for the up coming Revolution.

Great little book. God awful movie!

Jack.

[Woman on Caroline Street]

We just watched Pirates of the Caribbean for the third time in two weeks, for the sole purpose of counting how many times Depp said "Savvy?" Depp is truly a gifted actor (although I haven't seen Charlie and the CF yet, but I don't think I like the way he portrays WW from the previews). Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was a great flick. We recently picked up "Where the Buffalo Roam". Also a good pick (Bill Murray as Thompson and Peter Boyle as his attorney). Yea, I'm a fan of the gonzo journalism.

I'm sorry. It's bad movies we were supposed to discuss. Here's another one: Random Hearts. It's one of those movies where you're waiting for it to start, and suddenly, it's over.

[Sprite518]

Are you crazy? I thought that was a very good movie...

Way better than another of the Batmans....

[dfwgator]

However, I will not view it anymore because of Sean I am an idiot Penn..

But I'll still watch the pool scene with Phoebe Cates.