Posted on 09/10/2005 5:15:18 PM PDT by wagglebee
It's one thing to be respectful of gays and gay parents. It's quite another to engineer a deceptive study and use it to assert that lesbian families are a better environment in which to raise boys than heterosexual families. That's what former Stanford University gender scholar Peggy F. Drexler, Ph.D. does in her new book, "Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men." Not surprisingly, a friendly mainstream media is helping her promote her claims.
In the book's opening pages, Drexler's message is one of tolerance for various family forms, as she notes that lesbian and single-mother families "can" effectively raise boys. But "Raising Boys" soon devolves into outright advocacy of lesbian parenting. In Drexler's world, lesbian families – protected from fathers and their toxic masculinity – are the best environments in which to raise boys. Married heterosexual mothers try their best, but the positive influence these hapless moms try to impart to their children is overwhelmed by that of the malevolent family patriarch.
According to Drexler, lesbian moms are "more sophisticated about how they teach their sons right from wrong" than heterosexual couples, and there are "real advantages for a boy being raised in this new type of family." Heterosexual mothers don't measure up in "moral attitude" and are less likely than lesbian moms to "create opportunities for their sons to examine moral and values issues." This in turn slows the "moral development in their sons."
Furthermore, Drexler asserts that boys raised by lesbians "grow up emotionally stronger," "have a wider range of interests and friendships" and "appear more at ease in situations of conflict" than boys from "traditional" (i.e., father-present) households. Fatherless boys "exhibit a high degree of emotional savvy ... an intuitive grasp of people and situations." Best of all, sons of lesbian couples are much more willing to discard traditional masculinity than boys trapped in heterosexual households.
For example, Fiona's son paints his nails, while both of Maria's sons dance ballet. Ursula's son chose sewing and cooking for his electives in seventh grade. Kathy's son has rejected playing baseball as being "too competitive" – no surprise, because in their local, father-led baseball league, "the better players get more playing time."
Yet Drexler's research has obvious flaws. For one, the families she studied were middle to upper class, older women who volunteered to have their lives intimately scrutinized over a multiyear period – an unrepresentative, self-selected sample.
More importantly, her research suffers from confirmatory bias – Drexler saw what she wanted to see. Drexler is not an objective social scientist, but instead a passionate advocate for lesbian mothers. She calls the "maverick mothers" raising sons without men "avatars of a new social movement" and says her book's "stories, voices, data and findings will reassure, hearten and empower" them. Her research did not measure objective indices of child well-being, such as rates of juvenile crime, drop-outs or teen pregnancy. Instead, Drexler personally conducted interviews of mothers and their sons and made subjective judgments about their family lives. It is not surprising that Drexler found lesbian families to her liking. In fact, her dogged determination to see only good in lesbian couples and problems in heterosexual ones at times reaches absurd proportions.
For example, though Drexler doesn't seem to notice, her lesbian moms, particularly the "social" (i.e., non-biological moms), cheerfully endure insults and disrespect that no parent should ever tolerate. Carol's son calls her "stupid." Bianca's son calls her "lazy." Martha's son hops into her bed and effectively tells Martha tough luck, sucker – go sleep somewhere else. Thankfully, in each case progressive lesbian mom dealt with the problem through patience and talking. By contrast, Dad – who Drexler usually portrays as being overly strict – would probably have had junior pull weeds in the yard for a few hours as he waves goodbye to his PlayStation. He is (sigh) sadly unenlightened.
For Drexler, boys raised by lesbians are a better breed than those raised by heterosexual couples. When Drexler was struggling to hold on to her briefcase and her bags, 11-year-old Damien saw "that I needed help and immediately offered it." Drexler is taken aback – a boy being helpful and caring? She notes, "When I thought about it later, it clicked in my head: This is a boy being raised by two moms."
Lesbian-raised Cody helps clean up the playroom. Lesbian-raised Brad offers Drexler a stool to sit on when she comes to his room to interview her. Both considerations are the product, we are assured, of their special upbringings. Yet Drexler could have found many kind, helpful, empathetic boys raised by heterosexual couples – like my 12 year-old son, who recently told his grandparents, "I want you to move next door to us, even though it will mean more chores for me" – if only she had been willing to look.
At the same time, Drexler refuses to see obvious indications that the boys she interviews need fathers. When one of Brad's two moms picks him up from the day-care center after work, every day she has to pry the 6-year-old off of the leg of an after-school worker named Ron to whom Brad is – pun intended – quite attached. A less determined researcher might see this as evidence of Brad's need for a dad. Not Drexler, who instead tells us that, given Ron's presence, Brad's mom "knew she didn't need to worry about Brad's lack of an everyday father in his life."
Julia's little boy says, "I want a daddy." Darlene's little boy tells his mom: "We could find a daddy and he could move in with us." Three-year-old Ian – fatherless by the decision of his "single mother by choice" mom, Leslie – watches TV with mom, continually pointing at male figures on the screen and saying, "There's my daddy." Leslie explains, "No, we don't have a daddy in our family," but little Ian doesn't get it and continues to point and ask. A problem? Not according to Drexler, who writes, "Will some little boys trail after men they don't even know, perk up at lower-decibel voices or hang on to the pant legs of the men who cross their paths? Maybe." But whatever it is, she assures us, it isn't father hunger.
She enthuses that "sons of lesbians went to great efforts to define the terms of the bonds and relationships in their lives that the boys from straight families seemed to take for granted. All terms in their lives were complex." Is this a good thing?
Drexler does allow that some male figures can be positive for boys. Who? "Grandfathers, godfathers, uncles, family friends, coaches" – in short, anybody but dad. In fact, boys being raised without fathers benefit because they enjoy "more male figures in their lives than boys from traditional families." But more does not mean better, and a group of men with little stake in a boy's life are a poor substitute for a father's love and devotion to his children. Nor can they provide the modeling that boys need – the best way for a boy to learn how to become a good husband and father is to watch his father do it.
Drexler believes that boys in heterosexual families are worse off because they are "stuck with a single male role model" – dad – whereas in lesbian families boys are free to choose their own. Yet a child does not have the judgment to properly select his own role models, even with a parent's input. The fact that fatherless boys usually choose older, rebellious, thuggish boys as their role models – and are often led by them to their perdition – eludes Drexler.
Drexler holds up a variety of other family forms and "nonofficial parenting figures" as alternatives to heterosexual, married families, including Hillary Clinton's village, "communal living" and "seed daddies." She approvingly quotes a columnist who writes, "With so many single mothers around, and double mothers becoming less of a novelty, it is the children of traditional couples who are going to be asked, 'Who is that man in your house?'"
The boys Drexler studied don't need their dads, but instead benefit because their absence helps create what one might call the "maternal dictatorship." For Ursula, the single mother of two boys, Drexler enthuses that there's "no discussion about parenting methodologies. No crossed signals ... no compromising ... the decisions, the choices, the priorities were all hers." Better yet, "lesbian co-parents achieve a particularly high level of parenting skills ... [and] a greater level of agreement than heterosexual couples. A higher degree of consensus cut down on conflict in the home, enabling a clear message of love and support to be heard by the kids."
Drexler has it exactly wrong – conflict over parenting methods and strategies is not a negative but a positive, for two competing and different viewpoints wean out bad ideas and help preserve good ones. This is particularly true in heterosexual couples, where both male and female perspectives are considered in decision-making. By contrast, in single parent homes ideas and parenting strategies are implemented without consultation, and the effect can be harmful. In lesbian homes, parenting strategies are used on boys without input from anyone who actually knows what it's like to be a boy.
While "Raising Boys" is being promoted as a harmless, feel-good affirmation for "maverick moms," it is in fact an attack on the institution that research shows is the best-suited to raising children – the family. Drexler encourages women thinking of having fatherless children to make that "leap of faith." But the rates of all major youth pathologies, including juvenile crime, teen pregnancy, teen drug abuse and school dropouts, are tightly correlated with fatherlessness. Drexler waxes poetic about the nebulous benefits of fatherless parenting, but makes little attempt to explain why fatherless families produce so many troubled and pathological children.
The boys raised by the well-heeled, educated San Francisco lesbian couples Drexler studied will probably do better than most fatherless boys because their socioeconomic status is higher. But nothing in Drexler's research indicates that an extra mom can replace the strength, tough love and modeling a father gives his son.
I'm....going....to...hurl.
Yeah. My kindergarten daughter has a class full of boys with no fathers who are disruptive, loud, rude and unmanageable. They need a dad with a strong hand, but only get namby-pamby discipline, if any.
WOW!!!!! I agree very much with what you say here. I am a first grade teacher and one year had a class full of kids from single-parent and divorce situations. Almost all of them had some kind of emotional or other issue. Several missed more than 11 school days (450 total form 25 students). One girl missed 65 days. On top of that, there were some difficult things I had to deal with and a former student of mine was suffering from cancer and passed away.
I worked my tail off that year and saw many, many, many miracles happen. But it wasn't me, it came from somewhere else, because some things were just not explainable.
I usually tell this story longer, but my point is that the students who come from two-parent, nuclear family, and involved households (especially with a strong and involved father) are generally the most well-rounded and best-behaved kids.
There's a real need for strong male role models. I don't know how many times parents have said that to me. I try to be one (not a replacement parent though) to my students. I really wish there were more males in teaching, especially the younger grades where they are sorely needed. I have heard that too, from many parents. I will keep trying my best to do my part to try to be an example for good to my students and hope that I make some positive difference in their lives. I especially encourage and admire those dads who strive to spend time with and help their kids.
Thanks for your example.
This is why these leftist freaks hate the President
Indeed we do. My dad never let any of his 6 sons wear earrings and none of us ever have, not even one tattoo either.
I'm sorry, but to this knuckle-dragger, that sounds like being "more sophisticated about how they teach their sons their right hand from their left."
Anything more complicated than the normative understanding is just plain wrong.
So much for diversity! Intolerance of heterosexuals and males, in general, don't provide much of a learning opportunity for the kids. Yet, I am supposed to "embrace" different cultures of all types- even those I abhor.
You probably won't hear a peep out of Hillary over this one.
I wonder if the diversity expected of Americans for our Islamic fanatics would be repaid in kind to these weirdos? How long would this sort of family exist in an Islamic society? This sort of crap is only able to exist in our free society- the same one these idiots hate.
>Fiona's son paints his nails, while both of Maria's sons dance ballet.<
Why, because their mommies wouldn't be caught dead doing either behavior???
I've yet to see a lesbian with either painted nails or with a penchant for the ballet.
This is not a difficulty of understanding. It is a refusal to accept...plain and simple.
I like what Rabbi Daniel Lapin says: there are many ways to honor G-d, but only one way to reject Him.
That's why you see homosexuals standing shoulder to shoulder with abortion advocates, who support poverty pimps, who support socialists, who support animal rights, who support death penalty opponents, who support gun control.
The one thing that links them all together is their militant opposition to what we know as Natural Law.
Garbage it is, yes. And women like this are the ones who are teaching it!! Kids are not born gender confused, it's taught in school, and in homes like this!!
Not gonna happen until the "child molester" witch-hunt is over.
A male in a profession that brings him in close proximity to unrelated children has as much sense as a male that marries for any other reason than religious.
Leaving the ugliness aside, not all gay people believe this garbage
You bring up a great point: who would do all the manual labor to build the cities they live in? Who would cut the trees that make up the houses they live in? I have NEVER seen a woman garbage collector either. There are so many jobs that are avoided by women because of the strength they require, and the boys they are raising in this experiment will be similar in the inability/unwillingnes to do them. These women are out of touch with reality. They are ignorant of how the world really works.
I'm glad I'm in the Army- where men can still be men (for the most part).
My understanding is this refers to mothers that choose to remain single Gidget. I can tell you from experience they have very similar worldviews.
Mine is still paying for her foolishness. ;o)
How many of those divorced people out there married for something other than "love," moog?
I hate to pour cold water on your idealism, but it's just like domestic adoption...you don't do it if you have a lick of sense.
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